Life seems like a curse

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sranjanm2002
sranjanm2002 Member Posts: 23
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mom died of TN IBC. It has been 2 months since she gone. She lived for 2 Years only. Its 5am here and I am unable to sleep. I feel cheated by god. I loved my mom so much and I couldn't accept the fact that she had cancer. How could the god be so unfair. My spirituality is so much shaken. Can't believe cancer took my mom away. It feels like yesterday we went to hospital for chemotherapy. It must be my sins that I have to live such kind of life. It hurts so much. I never thought it would happen with me. I always prayed for the well being of my mom even when she didn't have cancer. I have everyone in family but I feel alone. Feels like I don't need them. now. Without mom life feels like a curse. Only death can help me to be united with my mom again.

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  • Linda1966
    Linda1966 Member Posts: 633
    edited October 2012

    Honey, your grieving the loss of your wonderful mum and thats natural. But how would she feel knowing that you feel that life is a curse?? She raised you to be strong and loving so please instead of turning away from your family and friends, hug them close and value them for being connected to you though your mothers love and care.

     The absolute best thing you can do in your mums memory is to live a great life filled with happiness. Its what she would have wanted for you.

     Im sorry if Im not saying the right things, but honestly I dont think god or spirituality has a lot to do with cancer and death. Im not particularly religious, though I do believe in god and that I will one day be reunited with my loved ones. It is my faith in that belief that has helped me through such awful losses, not the belief that god should have intervened and saved my particular loved one. If god had that ability we would not have children with cancer, children being abused etc etc.

     It doesnt seem like it now, but over time the pain will fade leaving behind all the wonderful memories of your mum as she was before cancer and without the horrendous feeling of loss that accompanies them right at the moment.  

    I hope you can find peace, love and happiness as you move forward in your life. I also hope Ive helped and not hurt you in my attempt to ease your pain.

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  • thefuzzylemon
    thefuzzylemon Member Posts: 2,630
    edited October 2012

    Hello.  You and your mom had a very special relationship for sure.  Your grief reflects how much you loved her.  If you believe you will see her after your life, then you believe she has a soul.  Are you certain she is not with you already?  If you are into the gospel, then perhaps you will remember that those who suffer are the most blessed.  There's probably a million of these that could be looked at to help you heal.  Past that, I am certain your mom would not want you to suffer this way.  What would she say?  Or what would she want you to do?  What is causing you the most pain?  Seems like you feel cheated?  Well, you were.  And that will hurt.  But, being consumed by this will surely destroy you...and no mama wants that for her baby. 

    Have you connected with others here who have lost there mama's to BC?  Have to talked to anyone professionally or otherwise?  There are a lot of great programs out there to help - Gilda Club, LiveStrong to name a few.  Talk this out, honey.  Keep on talkin' and workin' through it.  Did mom raise you to be strong?  Did she raise you to question your faith?  Don't let go of mama just because she isn't in the physical anymore.

    I am sorry if I sound a little aggressive.  I worry for mine own when that time comes.  I hope that they would hear words just like these if they needed them.  So, I am sending you these from my heart and my experience.  I am worried for you...

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  • mandapanda
    mandapanda Member Posts: 105
    edited October 2012

    My mom will also be gone 2 months on the 10th. I was so close to her. I miss her so much it hurts. I'm only 29 and I think how will I go on without my mom. When we knew the end was near, we did have lots of heart to heart talks. She told me not to feel guilty to laugh or be happy. But, I do feel bad sometimes. If it wasn't for my kids, I would really think about ending my own life to be with her. I know that is horrible, but I really can't fathom the idea of living without her. She was such a big part of mine and my children's life and also my extended family. Im dreading the holidays. I'm pissed off my kids probably won't remember her bc they are 3 yrs old and 3 months old. I'm pissed God took a good person out of this world. She would do anything for anyone!! Im sorry if this turned into my vent. But, I wanted you to know I know how you feel and our moms would not want that for us. Somehow we need to be stronger and find peace. So, I will pray for you. I'm hear to listen if you want to private message or write back on here. Take care.

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  • camillegal
    camillegal Member Posts: 16,882
    edited October 2012

    Hi, there are a lot of us knowing how u feel but we go on cuz u'r mom would only want the best for u--and thinking in the dark place where u are now she would feel terrible. God is not to blame for all the sffering--life is to be blamed---unfortnately the blame wanders around--but there is no one to blame, but it's how u handle what has happened to u and I'm sure u'r mom would want u connected with u'r family and reach out. U need comfort and there must be someone or a therapist who can help you throgh this very sad time. I still find myself talking to my Mom--I feel she's arond me and that softens the blow

    I hope u find peace in time and happiness in u'r life. Don't rush thru life, savor every moment like 'r mom would want u to.

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  • sranjanm2002
    sranjanm2002 Member Posts: 23
    edited October 2012

    Thank you everyone for the reply. I miss my mom so much. I loved her so much. I am trying to be strong. I talk to her, I try to feel her. Losing mom is the biggest loss of life, once gone would never come back. I am 29 and I had lots of plans with my mom but god called her without thinking about me. If god knew how does it feel to lose mother ; it may never happened to us. Its an injustice. I don't need anyone in my life but I know I will have to live and tolerate everyone. Seriously ? Is god even exist or human made them by writing books etc. Let me tell you I was so into god. I still worship I don't know why but have lost big amount of my faith. it hurts to live without mom but that's the life. I fear god, I do not love him now. My life is miserable and god couldn't even protect my mom then what is the use of worship and reading all these religious books and celebrate religious festivals ? My whole life is in front of me without mom. I hate such kind of life. I always wanted to die before her and it didn't happen. God could have taken my life also at least he is good in that. It was my mistake to born in this world and I regret my decision. Sorry for sounding angry and sad but it really hurts and thanks to the person who wrote my destiny this pain would never go away. Wish I could take vengeance.

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  • markat
    markat Member Posts: 909
    edited October 2012

    Hi I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I'm a mother, and close to your age. I understand the bond you had with your mother and that you are devastated. I'm sure your mother would not want you to be going through this pain alone. I really think you need to call a doctor or therapist tomorrow and try to get an appointment as soon as possible.



    (((Hugs)))

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