Sept 2012 chemo

justegan I know how you feel. This is hard for us but we are all going to be stronger for it. Keep the faith this will pass

Hi everyone,

   I ddn't get to thank everyone for all of the birthday wishes the other day- so thank you thank you!  I think last time I wrote, I was just so depressed I had tried to forget all about my birthday.  Yesterday, we threw small birthday party for my kids (with my mom and my sister's help) and it was great.  The only problem, was that morning, my hair started super duper falling out in clumps in the shower.  I ended up wearing a small cap so the hair wouldn't fall in the food.  After everyone left, my sister buzzed my head.  This is her second time to have to buzz someone's head because of chemo.  She buzzed my mother's head three years ago.  It was emotional, but I must say- I woke up this morning feeling so much better.  At least I don't have to anticipate that anymore!  The only thing I wish is that it looked all bald or at least more even.  I have some bald spots and some not so bald spots.  She was too afraid to use the razor, so she just used the clippers on the shortest setting.  Not very pretty.  I wore a wig that afternoon to the store.  I was pretty sure a couple of people could tell, but for the most part it seemed nobody noticed me.  Which was nice.

Aliasismo: Thanks so much for the kind words about my blog.  It does help me to write things down and make art.  I have been working on a large painting right now that I am excited to use my steroid high next week to finish:-)  

 Justegan: I totally understand about feeling ugly.  Just wanted to let you know that my sister and mother came over to my computer the other day because I was showing them one of the videos that someone posted, and they saw your picture.  My mother commented on how young you were- and then both my sister and mother talked about how beautiful you are.  I know it doesn't really matter what other people think, it only matters what we think.  But I still wanted to share with you.  I hope you are able to get back in touch with your beauty.  

Another friend sent me an e-mail yesterday.  She is super sweet and has been supporting her mother who has been fighting cancer for the last several years.  Anyway, she always says things that both make me cry and make me feel better simultaneously.  Which is nice.  This is what she said to me yesterday.

"We are hard-booting your body right now -- we are shutting everything down and running an anti-virus program. We are getting rid of everything virus-related, including hair so that you have a fresh start. While your body is shutting down to be rebooted, lots of things will LOOK like they are turning off or going away (including your hair, your energy, your positivity, etc.). But this is only how it LOOKS. In reality, we are giving your immune system a huge jump start and when we turn you back on, you will go gang busters with no virus inside you. You will grow beautiful, thick, healthy and pure hair. You will regain your energy and your health. You will have a new appreciation for who you are and what you can do in the world, and you will be triumphant. You will look back on this period with lots of compassion for yourself because you went through an unspeakably hard time, but you got through it!"

Hope everyone has a beautiful day.  I am off to the coast to see the tide pools and then maybe drive to Pescadero to have some delicious Garlic Artichoke bread.  The ocean always makes me feel better.  The coast is super windy, so I think I will be wearing a head scarf and leaving the wig at home:-)

Mariposa, wonderful analogy! Enjoy the ocean and breath it in.



Justine - you will never be anything but beautiful.

So day 12 after first chemo and my hair is falling out like its raining. Trying to get up the courage to buzz it off, for some reason it just start crying thinking about it. I have already cut 10+ inches off. If one more person tells me it's just hair and it will grow back I am going to scream! Sorry just needed to vent.

So..after 18 days of my first chemo i woke up this morning my hair is slowly falling off i have a small bald part to my left side....even though i cut it 1/2 inch to my head i had a major melt down this morning....to top it all of my father came back from church and said that he blessed my picture with the priest and later he sat next to me and started to explain to me why people get cancer....really......really ......... do i wanna know why we get it........no i already have it.........i told my parents that im hungry and i didnt want to eat anything healthy today.........so we are ordering  just chinesse.....they went to pick it up..and they also went to exchange some stuff at the mall.......so soon a they left i cried my eye ball out!!!!!!!.....picked myself up .....put some make up and here i am.......i dont care about my hair ...i just didnt want to look bald.....but guess what its happening........so no more tears ...my tears will not stop the process ....but i feel much better.....i needed to cry alone cause i can say to myself "get a hold of yourself you are WARRIOR!!....its tempaorary"... I dont want to hear.....dont cry its going to be ok.... your hair will grow..or its just hair....well then you shave it ALL off!!!!...maybe just for fun i will walk around with a shaver and the next bitch that tells me "its just hair...i will shave it all off" and then i will say its just hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...... lol....no i wouldnt do that  but would love to!!!!......lol...........

I love that Video...made me laugh...yes had couple of dumm a$$ ask me if they can rub my avatar look....and my mother -in- law ask me if she can feel my lump.......seriouslyyyyy............ackward...

My parents are here from Colorado and i wish they would just give me some space......they are so over bearing...and we are latin so you know how it goes...eat this eat that ..its heathy ....They feed me

over and over and over ...i gain 4 pounds...dont get me wrong i love the healthy food....but i wish they would i understand that i cant just eat everything they hear on TV or what people say whats healthy and what not!!!!!!!

A funny story, at least I think it's funny.

I am in the buffet line at Golden Corral the day before A/C chemo # 2.  WBCs OK so I have an immune system for that day.  Used the lookgood make up and have on wig # 1 which does look good.  Bright clothes, Steinmart bright beads necklace and dangling earrings to match.  Lady next to me has badly wrinkled face and looks about 75-like me.  Except, she has long henna red hair in flowing curls (Think Pretty Woman the morning after).  She looks up at me,  I'm tall, she short, and says, "Your hair looks so good.  Very Beautiful.  Where do you get it done?"

I bend over and whisper--"it's a wig.  Totally bald underneath."

"Oh" she says.  "Where did you get it?  It looks great."

"Cancer Institute near Florida Hospital main center.  Elane Spa."

Then we both moved on to fill our plates.

Now I thought this was funny.  It seems everyone, even the 9 year old across the street who probably knows nothing about the situation, thinks my HAIR looks great. 

Hugs, and have a peaceful Sunday.

Good story Cindi! Here is mine from yesterday:



Went to a BC fundraiser yesterday. I saw folks haven't seen since diagnosis. Comments were, you look great, you have lost weight, you look tired, your face looks thin, couldn't tell that was a wig. The best comment was none at all.

Donating long hair is a great option.  I had to search, but found an outfit that took grey hair.  I found the worst part of bald was feeling every draft!  Toques- soft with fleece linings worked well, even wore them at night.  Chemo is do-able!  Hang in there all of you!  The movie "Why I wore Lipsick for my Mastectomy" is worth watching.  May we all find our "inner cleavage"!

Cindi it was not for me. A motorcycle ride to raise BC $$ that my husband rode in. Too cold for my achy bones to ride in so I waited for him to return. I was just in shock that people would say negatives. Clearly they have no idea of what we are enduring.

http://denise4health.wordpress.com/

I'm in that fatigue stage where I don't feel like doing anything.  A little nauseus.  Just watched movie The Client with husband.

 Started worrying about Taxol to follow A/C.  Looked at January chemo bunch and found the blog at webb address above,

She is far ahead of us, but has important things to share.  Good night, and no SE.

Yes, you ladies are all so inspiring.  Thank you for posting your ups and downs and lifting us all up with positive things - I read you every morning (and afternoon and evening), and it always makes me feel better to know that there are people here with the same challenges I have (and that we're MAKING IT THROUGH IT!)

Cindy74 - Excellent blog! I too am doing Taxol after my AC - and my Onc said Taxol is much much gentler - less side effects (except that neuropathy thing), less drop in the white blood counts, less, less, less!  Hopefully it will be much gentler for you too. Hugs.

Whenlifegivesyoulemons,
That picture definitely made me smile. Thank you!

Mariposa, 
Thank you for your kind words. You are right, it doesn't really matter what other people think, it matters what I think. However, it is still nice to hear that others who do not know me find me beautiful...so thank you for that. I am trying to get back in touch with what make me beautiful...I know I have a lot of great qualities. But I always thought of myself as inside/outside beautiful. Now I feel like my outside doesn't match the inside and its tough. But I will get there, I'm sure of it.

EnglishRose,
Thank you. I ate terribly, watched a French film I've been meaning to see ("The Intouchables") which was good and watched my favorite show Dexter. That put a smile on my face and today I am feeling much better for it.

Jojo,
Thank you!

Butterfly,
Thank you. It is tough at times but I am getting through it.

Jojo,
I am sorry that people are so tactless. I am used to hearing that now. That I look great but I do look tired. I've gotten used to that statement unfortunately.

Cocobean, 
Thank you...I know it sounds silly but sometimes it is nice to just hear it. Especially, when you don't feel like it.

That blog is great reading Cindi, thanks for posting.  I wish I had read that prior to AC!

Before my last AC this Friday, I am going for a spa day Thursday (pedicure, facial, etc).  It's my celebration to leave the red devil behind and move forward. 

I love the blog too. Makes me smile! I feel like such a slug after this second ac. It's a drag! And I had a friend lecturing me about exercising during chemo yesterday which really ticked me off! Easier said than done! I think for me the fatigue is the worst. I am usually very high energy and I just can't muster it right now. Thankful that I'm not in pain though and that I have all of you and better days ahead. Definitely pamper yourself! You deserve it. We all do. I look forward to a day when thus disease is obsolete. No one should ever have to endure this! But we will come out stronger than ever before. Have an energy filled low se day everyone! As I type this from bed. Lol

whenlife

Thank you.  I was beginning to develop a fear of 12 Taxol.

In bed with no energy.  I know bettet but I just watched a depressing movie with Julie Christie. 

Away From Her.  Julie has Altzheimers, and in the movie, it progresses.  Olympia Dukakis is also in it.

I have a Netflix queque of about 250 movies or British TV series.  By the time a movie gets to the top of the queque, it may have been on the list for a year or so.  Sometimes, I remember to go through the list and be sure there are light funny ones near the top, but there are only so many Sleepless in Seattle or You've Got Mail, and you can only watch even them so many times.

So I watched it, although hubby let me know he wasn't interested,

I guess I am a little worried about Chemo Brain.

It was a beautiful, well written, well acted movie--very touching, but not a good one to see now.

Will mail it back this morning and check the queque to be sure future movies are more appropriate.

The best thing I watched this weekend was Winged Planet on the Discovery Channel.  Incredible pictures of birds in flight and diving underwater.  For some pictures, they used drone aircraft shaped like birds to fly with them, and for others they actually put cameras on bird's backs.  Technology.  They probably will show it numerous times.  I think I taped it on Saturday.

Now to find Happy Films