Mom passed in January

KatieHulsman · May 2006

Hi everyone. This is my first time on here. I just found this site online and I thought it would be a good place to come to. I found out Dec.23 2005 that my mom, who was 54, had breast cancer. It was so far along that it had spread to her liver, lungs and bone marrow. I had one month exactly to live with the fact that she was ill, and only 3 weeks knowing that she was terminally ill. She passed away on Jan. 23 2006. It's been almost 4 months, and I haven't dealt with it. I still don't think it's real. I was just wondering if there is anyone who has been though this before, because I would love to be able to talk to someone about it. I hope to hear some responses soon.

Anonymous · May 2006

Hi Katie,

I am so sorry to hear of your mother. You have had a great deal to deal with in only a brief time.

I hope because of your Mothers BC, that you will become very vigilant, getting or maintaining timely imaging and self exams.

So sorry for your loss.

gentle hugsssssssssssssssss

suzie14 · May 2006

Katie,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair that your Mom left you so suddenly in such a horrific way. On this site you will find much love, support and many cyber-hugs.

Feel free to pour your heart out here and rant and vent and cry at the injustice of this dastardly disease.

Sending you many gentle hugs as you attempt to work through the loss of your Mom. I do hope you have family or friends or perhaps clergy to ease you through your feelings. as well. It is important that you talk about your Mom and do keep coming back here and say what you need to say when you need to say it 24/7 and receive the support you now need so much.

God Bless
~suzie

KatieHulsman · May 2006

Thank you. It is quite a lot to take in. I was always sure to get my physical done annually. I have more of a reason to now.

csp · May 2006

Hi Katie,
I am so sorry for your loss. Everything hapening so fast
you have had no time to heal it takes a while and , yes do come back this is a safe place to let your feelings out.
There is something very theraputic about typing it out getting it out of your head and having others validate your feelings.

Welcome Katie, sorry you are here.

Hugs,
Carrie

jgrjunque · May 2006

So sorry to hear about your mother's death. Katie, this is going to sound like a bit of a cliche, but time does heal... and you haven't had nearly enough time to even begin to heal. I lost my mother to cancer on April 23, 1999... and there are still times I feel like I will never be able to handle it. And my mother was almost 20 years older than yours.

Please give yourself time... and be very kind to yourself.

fancy2 · May 2006

I lost my mother when I was 19--43 years ago. Some days I still feel sad about it. She missed so much. She never saw her grandbabies. She died in a car accident so it was even more sudden that your mom's death. All I can say is, hang in there. Time DOES heal. Life and death are a circle--when you start one, you automatically get to the other.

I had a lot of regrets left--things I didn't say to her that I could/should have. Maybe you could adopt a Mom that needs a daughter and help her in the ways that you didn't get to help your mom? Kind of in honor of your Mom.

Gentle hugs to you. Feel better. Keep posting.

KatieHulsman · May 2006

Thank you everyone for your very kind words. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me. I'm only 23, and although I do have 2 older sisters and my father, I live about 2 hours away from them. They all live in the same town, within a 10 minute drive from each other. I have no one here where I live that has gone through what I have been through. I live with my boyfriend of 6 years, but talking to him just isn't the same. He does everything he can to help, and I love him more for that, but he just doesn't understand. I get so angry and frustrated. My mom never did anything to deserve what she got. At least that's how I feel. She was supposed to be there for me in June when I graduate from College, but now, she won't be. People say that she'll be there in spirit, but it's just not the same. I wonder why me? I know it's selfish, but why me? Why did I have to lose my mom. It's not fair. I haven't even cried. I mean, I cried a little bit when I got the phone call, and a bit at the funeral. Whenever I start to cry, I stop. I don't let myself do it and I don't know why. I feel like.....if I cry....it's a sign of weakness. And I hate being weak. I hate that I'm not closer to my family. And to be honest, I get jealous of the fact that my sisters have each other right there, and the fact that they have my dad too. They have family dinners all the time, and I just feel left out. I feel like I'm not as big of a part of the family as I should be. I have all these different emotions going through me all the time and it gets so confusing. The only thing that I have to comfort me is that the last thing my mom and I ever said to each other was "I love you". Thanks again everyone for letting me vent. I'm sure this isn't the last of it. I can tell already that talking to everyone here is going to help.

Thank you all!

lynnes · May 2006

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about your mom's passing. My father died when I was 23 (I'm now 47) and my mom died March 29 from breast cancer. I, too am devasted. One thing I have learned since my dad died is to allow yourself to feel angry, bitter, cheated and not to feel guilty about it. I think this is part of the healing. You have every right to say "Why me?"

Also, I think at your age there are fewer people in this situation, so that could account for some feelings of loneliness. I know of a couple of women your age who lost their mothers recently (one to bc and the other to an aneurysm) who might like to email you. If you like PM me w/ your email and I will send them yours.

Also as someone else said, time does heal. Having been in this before, I know it is true. I just have to keep reminding myself of this, too.

Take care,
Lynne

missingmymom · May 2006

Katie,

I am so truly sorry for the untimely loss of your mom. Although everyones situations are different a loss is a loss. I am 43 and lost my mom on October 25,2005 to Breast cancer. She was 62 at the time of her death. I wish there was a magic bullet I could send you to take away the pain or something I could say but there isnt. I can tell you as many have said that time does help, I feel anger, loss, sadness, emptiness, bitterness and the list goes on and on. I too seem to stop myself when I cry but dont ever feel like tears are a sign of weakness, you have suffered an incredible loss and you must allow yourself to grieve or you will never heal or be able to go on living. Our lives will never be the same but we must continue to live them in honor of our moms. Just give it time, allow yourself to feel all the emotions, they are normal and will eventually lessen. I wish you all the love and eventual happiness that the world has to offer. Gentle hugs to you.

Love,
Linda

cowgirl · May 2006

Katie,
I am so sorry for your loss! Being there in spirit is not the same thing, I know you want her flesh to hug you and her words to encourage you. I am sure she would beam from ear to ear to see you Graduate! Please feel free to vent here, you are feeling alone and that is why this board is so great! My best support came right here! From men and women that helped me triump over my situations!

KatieHulsman · May 2006

Hey Everyone.
Well, I had a scare today! I was in the bath relaxing after work and I was giving myself an examination (I do it once a month) and I found a lump. I thought I was going crazy so I screamed for my boyfriend to come in and double check. Sure enough, it was a lump. So I jumped out of the bath, dried off and Zack (my boyfriend) and I drove straigh to a walk-in clinic and I got examined. Luckily the doctor said it is "Fibroadenomas", which isn't cancerous. Naturally I breath a huge sigh of relief. The doctor is sending me in for an ultrasound and a mammogram still though. Even though I know it's not cancerous, I'm still nervous. He says that I might have to get a biopsy to remove it. I've only told my one sister about it until I see what has to be done. Once I know more, then I'll tell my dad and my other sister. I just don't want to worry them because I do that enough myself. I'm just so scared that what happened to my mom is going to happen to me. Then I start to think about how much I miss her. As much of a cliche as this may sound, my mom wasn't just a mom....she actually was my best friend too. I still feel so angry, and I hate that feeling. I want it to just...go away. Sometimes I feel like a child because I can't get out how I feel. I've decided that I'm going to go to a greivance counsellor (sorry about the bad spelling) to help me figure a way to let out my feelings. My dad suggested it, and I agree with him completely. Anyway, I just wanted to give everyone an update. I will let you all know what the doctors tell me after the mammogram and ultrasound. Thanks for all the support everyone. You've all been more kind than I could have imagined.

Katie

suzie14 · May 2006

Katie,
When I first read your post a day or two ago, I was at work and could not adequately respond. It touched me deeply inside. I am so sorry for your loss. You have every reason to feel the way you do and every right to vent and cry and scream and yell.
I was relieved to read that you have decided to get some grief counseling. Make the appointment as soon as you can.
Also keep coming back here and say what you need to say.

As far as the lump you found, do insist on a biopsy at least. I do hope and will pray that it is benign. Do you have an appointment for the Mammo and Ultrasound? Do keep us posted about what is happening, ok?

Gentle hugs,
suzie

missingmymom · May 2006

Katie,
Everything will be okay. Please keep us posted. Hang in there and stay strong I know it is hard.
Visit often as this site has been an absolute godsend to me since my mom died.

"we all shine on"
Much Love,
Linda

jgrjunque · May 2006

Quote:

Sometimes I feel like a child because I can't get out how I feel. I've decided that I'm going to go to a greivance counsellor (sorry about the bad spelling) to help me figure a way to let out my feelings. My dad suggested it, and I agree with him completely.

You are a child, dear heart. You will always be your mother's child. And grieving for her like a child is not a bad thing. Getting help to cope with that grief is also not a bad thing, at all, and I hope it helps.

The biggest thing that will help, though, is time and you've had precious little of that. I lost my mom to cancer in April of 1999, and I still rant, rave, scream and cry on occasion. But it does get better with time, and with time you will find yourself doing more smiling at the memories than crying over the loss.

Hang in there... and we all have our fingers and toes crossed that your lump is totally benign.

omahaoma · May 2006

Katie,
I am so sorry about your Mom. I am glad your boyfriend is supportive, but there is something about sharing your feelings with your "girl-friends". Talking helps (even if on the compter).

Please do have a biopsy. The rule is "any palpable mass must be biopsied"--that is the guideline set forth by the National Comprehensive Cancer Network. Don't let anyone talk you out of a biopsy--believe me they will try!

God Bless you. You are in my prayers.
Holly

cowgirl · May 2006

Katie,
I think a counselor will really help you deal with your loss. Grieving is a very long process, and sometimes a stage can take longer than you would like. But your anger is a good sign. Keep us updated!

I am praying for you on your mammogram.

Anonymous · May 2006

Dear, I would like to extend my most sincere condolences regarding the loss of you mother.

Although it is a very painful time in your life, please try and focus on how very fortunate you were to have such a wonderful mother. Some never are able to experience such a bond.

Time will greatly help reduce the pain you are feeling.

HeroicSong · May 2006

Katie,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I lost my Mom last month. I'm still in shock. Please know that whatever you're feeling is all right. It's ok to let it out. I know it feels like if you start to breakdown, you'll never stop. You seem like a wonderful person and eventhough it seems like the grief is never ending, you'll be ok. If you ever need to chat, I'll listen to you, cry with you and try to give you some hope.

Best,
Jennifer

Sweetxrn · June 2006

Katie, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I was on this site a few years back - when my mom was sick. I was only 22 (now 26) when she passed. Unfortunately she had cancer for 8 years. My mom was only 46 when she passed. Its hard. Really hard. I have an older brother and an awesome dad. I've since moved away from home. Not in attempts to run away by any means. It's just something I needed to do for me. Anyway.. people say time heals all wounds. I'm still skeptical about this. It still hurts like I've never imagined. You cry a little less everyday, but you still have your break down and "ball" like a baby moments. I honestly feel like a piece of me died with her that night. BUT we have to move on. We don't have much of a choice. I dont know why exactly I ended up here tonight - maybe for you. But I wrote this about an hour ago and I think I'd like to share it with you if you don't mind.

Each day we turn a page
Things happen in our lives
Sometimes for the better -
Sometimes for worse.

We live
We love
We Win
And yes, sometimes we even Lose.

But sooner or later
We all must face
The day we close a chapter in our lives
To end that time
With or without fear
And move on.

All we can do
Is have faith
Faith that each chapter
Is better than the last.

Always remembering
Where we've been
Because it has made us
Who we are today.

It sucks. It really does. I'm sure you're not even close to acceptance yet... you are probably still in shock/denial...and most likely anger. I dont know. I was angry at God for a long time. But now I see the whole situation as a learning experience. Believe me, it took a long time to see that. I am a better person for having to deal with this. I am strong and so are you. Everyone leads a different path in this life. Some just aren't so great. Regardless, we must deal with what life throws at us. Just take one breath at a time..one day at a time. It will be ok - I promise.

Tracey

Mom passed in January

Comments

Categories