Why can't I get on with my life?

yes I understand where you are coming from - I'm a 5 year survivor and a day doesn't go past when I don't think about it however I try to be quite rational with the whole thing (which can be hard) so that every ache and pain can just be an ache or pain and nothing sinister. If I get something that worries me, if it's gone in a day or two then I know that it was just one of those things so that if it happens again - my brain learns from this. It's not easy and I've had my worries which have gone on and on but the trying to rationalise things does help. I also stress incredibly at the thought of appointments - doctor, dentist, optician - I forced myself to see the optician recently as my eye sight had definitely deteriorated (took a lot of courage for me and I was shaking in my boots) but all it was, was my eye sight had worsened and I needed stronger glasses - my brain was obviously thinking it was something more sinister and I'd spent all that time worrying - nothing is the same anymore is it? I think this feeling is quite normal and you sort of learn to live with this - it's a complete loss of confidence in your body.....

I feel like I'm in the same boat.  Worrying all the time.  Obsessing about recurrence, etc.  I'm trying mindful meditation and have considered seeing a counselor.  Just not sure what kind to see and where to go.  Therapist?  Counselor?  I tried a support group, but only one time.  Maybe I need to find time again.  My husband says I should stay off this site and move on, but I have found that it helps to read of others feeling the same.  Also it helps to answer questions for those having the same surgery I had.

 I know one thing is certain.  I need to get off this worry boat because it's just not healthy to keep your mind in that "bad" place all the time. 

I hope we can all find our way.  If anything works for me I'll check back and share. 

I'm on the site this morning, asking myself the very same question! I am two years post treatment, and it seems like every morning, the first thing that I think of is "I hope the cancer doesn't come back today." It kind of pisses me off that it's almost always in my mind, especially as I begin the day.

Patsy

RebzAmy...hey girl, I haven't been on since forever.  I just read a few of your last post for  I wanted to catchup with you.  I see being a stepmother and a wonderful daughter in law has been a blessing for you and them.  You are so blessed and how is the wonderful husband doing.  Are you both residing at the same place, are you working outside the home?  How is everything? 

I have been distraught these last four months.  A few days ago, I decided not to take anymore of my cancer pill (Arimidex).  I took it for two and a half years and had eight chemo treatments (stage 2), my hair and eyelahses are thinning more and more each month (crown and front) and there is always a fingernail that I am always having to fight to be normal.  I had to quit clipping my nails for if I did the nail (everytime) would detach somewhat and damage them.  I quit wearing nail polish so that I can always be ontop of them, therefore I get one healed up and boom another one starts lifting from it's side.  I bought a fungal liquid from the store (since none of my doctors would prescribed me Grisifulvin) and use it, it helps but it stinks and I usually stop using it. 

I had a wonderful time dating my guy that I reunited with this last year (I had dated him when I was fourteen).  He was so smitten by me, asked me to marry him, was the best, sweetest person I have ever had in my life for eight months. He was sixty four, just shy of getting his social security check.  But all turned around when he couldn't seem to keep up with the over the road driving and trying to wooe me.  He made plans of us being together forever and then as time got closer, he started backing away.  Then one day he told me he didn't want to get married.  I didn't worry about it, I thought he'd change his mind again, he loved me too much, it seemed.  Then major change was he just quit his job all of a sudden.  His last words to me was, "Hang in there, he was going to get this other job and it would work out for us, he would be home nights and weekends and of course he loved and missed me."

He disconnected from everyone for three months.  (His family said he was more depressed than they had ever seen him.  He lived and stayed away... sixty miles away).  I tired to connect several times, but he just cut me off.  Then I heard he finally got the job he wanted, so I finally connected a six weeks after he got it.  He agreed to meet me, said it wouldn't take very long.  When we met, I said, okay you talk first.  He said, no that I should talk.  He did say initially "I make enough money for only me and I am going to work until I die."  All he sounded was selfish and in his own world, just completely forgot about our dreams together and our love for each other.  I sat there without saying anything except every loving promise he made to me and how I was initially (in the relationship)  relunctant in letting him into my heart.  But he made it in, pushing me saying, "Do you think you could ever love me....do I have you (he would say over and over, until he had me.  Bought me a bracelet, paid for a car repair without me ever asking him to do) and when he finally got me, he started drifting away, then immediately shut me out.  

He never would talk, only let me talk, he wouldn't say he loved me or if he CARED if someone else entered my life.  I said, you may want to be alone, but I don't.  I eventually felt a big tear welp up in my eye.  His body expressions, eventally caused him to lean over and he rested his head into his hands and said, "I remember all of it, I said it all, I remember."  I seemed to be breaking the hard heart and getting him restirred from the memories and love we had shared, but instead I broke down and I quietly got up and walked away, not looking back.   The last words I said, without looking at him was "I won't give you up...in my heart."  When I got outside the building that we had met in, I finally looked back (while getting into my car) and he was still sitting inside.

Now he wasn't planning to give me any  time, he said, it won't take very long for our meeting (I knew what he meant, but I would never question it). He never spoke negative, he only listened and agreed when I said he said this or that.  I also said, "You said I could talk you into anything....he said, "Yes, I did".  He never got up or tried to leave me.  The only few words he had said initally was, "It's best if you go back J(where I came from)".  

He wouldn't say whether he loved me or not or if it was okay for me to meet someone else.  It was a long quiet meeting and I never asked why he treated me the way he did. I did say, "No matter how he treated me or what he has said...I still have the most tender heart for him."

When he came back into my life, I was healing from my cancer treatments, he never knew what I went through, the four surgeries, the eight chemo treatments. But I was sympathizing with him.  Oh yes, he did say, "You are a good woman".  That was all he said through the remainder of the visit. So, I have been so sad for months, so distraught.  But I am trying to pick up the pieces, still trying to find another job and get off of the third shift postion.  I am not going to contact him ever again, initially.  Not even to give him a status update of me.   

Here it is Oct 13th, 2012. This is weird, I gave up coming to this forum because my love life ended finally and I got really depressed.  But tonight at work, I thought I will just put this topic (???) into the google search bar and boom, my forum post came up.  Then I thought that was weird, I am reading about myself.  Then I went into the site and still hadn't logged in, then I looked up "Singles with Breast Cancer" and boom, there I was front news.  Would you believe I didn't even remember writing last month, I was so depressed.  So now I decided to log in and give an update.

 I see I had already told you all of our last meeting him and I.  What have I done since is ask myself, "What can I do to stiumlate his heart again to be one with mine?".  I decided that I would make a DVD movie, learned how to do it and took all of our pictures, had text overhead of the things (promises) he said or made of them.  Then I added a song that he said was our song.  I made a cover for the DVD with our names in script on a beautiful background of a blooming flower.  Sent it off and no he didn't respond.  So I decided maybe it was a damaged DVD, so I remade another and sent it off as well.  I perfected it in everyway, this time with a note, "Maybe we could have breakfast periodically.  We can go Dutch!".  Sent it off before our one year anniversary meeting came to light (Oct 12th).  Therefore these last two weeks, I was hoping for a final response from him....still nothing. 

I noticed the Arimedex thinned my hair so much, just after these two and a half years of five taking it, I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore.  I was thinned haired before and did not want to be in a wig again for the next two and a half years. 

So here I am again alone, except I have to keep turning to God and asking him to forgive my stupidity, letting men deceive (this was the second one since cancer).  I went into a wailing of the spirit that I had never done before, while crying in the bath tub, last Saturday night.  Then four of my church members came to the door the following night, without a warning.  They were just knocking door to door, I was glad to receive their prayers, for guidance.  Of course they said, get your mind off of man and onto God.  

I was to go for an interview the following Monday morning and had a little shakiness in my right hand Two days before...I thought I would take a small pill that my mother was on to see if it would help stop it.  It drugged me so bad, my heartbeat went down so low, I could of died.  If it hadn't been for the people that came to my door just hours before I left the house for work, I wonder if I would of died.  I was not in a situation to leave my job and go to an ER, I would of lost my job.  So I made it, God willing.  Though Monday, I had to take a typing test for the job interview and my hand took off shaking sooo bad, that I had to pray.  With God's help, the interviewer told me that I did good.  Again, God's divine help through the prayer of those people. 

Today, before coming into work, my heart seemed to act up and I almost fainted twice at the Drug Warehouse.  We as cancer patients, have went through so much.  Many think I should stay on the pill, but with eight chemo treatments, I endured enough.  Two heartbreaks later and it isn't worth it, thinning hair, baldness if I continue with just taking Ameridex...I am not going to do it.  Now, if my hair doesn't come back overtime, I may starty the Ameridex again, because I wouldn't be losing anything.  But I am not going to waste anymore of my youth at sixty one (if I have any left) for two and a half more years feeling low about my hair going all over the sink again. 

I am okay, though my guy isn't coming back it seems.  But God is going to help me get a new job, get a new life and make it mean much more to me.  He is opening the doors that I would not of been able to open.  This is the first time in a week that I am even steering off, just writing to you all about the loss of the man that made me happier than anyone in my entire life.  I have never been in love like I had been with him and I am sixty one this year.  I guess after you get older, people don't want to change, if you give them time to think.  I could of married him in a heartbeat, but he might of been cruel to me, maybe I am spared the years of mental abuse. 

Hope all is well, with each and everyone of you.  It is kind of irritating for me, to be as good as one can be and your love walks away forever.  And a lot of people just seem to make their relationships work.  I am not looking anymore, I have had enough disappointment, just going to focus on making a living myself.  Problem is I was smiling more than I ever did before and now I just have hardly any feelings, just walking around speakless, almost like a zombie.