A husband's perspective

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hydro
hydro Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hi,

I'm a husband of a breast cancer patient, so I don't fit in real well at most of these forums.   I've learned plenty over the past few months from reading the forums, and everything else I can glean from the web though.

I discovered early on that it helped, and has continued to help quite a bit, for me to express what I feel, and what has transpired, in a blog.  I felt so helpless and inept to begin with, and I admit that still, I feel helpless at times.  It is a lonely place to be when you are the husband, and you need to be the strong one.

I am no expert, and I don't have a lot of advice, but I thought if sharing our experience, from the perspective of the husband, helps some other husband somewhere, or anyone else, that this would be a good thing.

My wife Dawn just finished her 3rd round (of 4) of AC chemotherapy after a mastectomy (Stage IIA with one involved node), and I've been blogging about her fight, and will continue to share it online, at least until she has finished the rest of her chemo (12 taxol infusions, weekly after she finished the AC) and then 33 radiation treatments. 

If this helps some husband, gives him hope, or ideas, or some solace in some way, I offer my experience here:

 hydro5280.wordpress.com

Having your wife, the love of your life diagnosed with breast cancer is a hard whack upside the head and everywhere else, for any husband.  One day at a time we get through this.  

God Bless,

Brad

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  • eric95us
    eric95us Member Posts: 2,845
    edited August 2012

    Thank you.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012

    Hydro

    Thank you so much for your input.

    My husband keeps everything in. His way of coping with this kind of thing, is to ignore it.

    I was diagnosed 4 weeks ago and not having surgery until October.

    Last night when he got in from work, I told him we need to talk. He said, " uh oh."

    I told him, I really need to know how he feels about all of this. That he's always been a boob man, and I need to know he'll still love me after mastectomy. Reconstruction won't be for a year or so. He said, he doesn't love me for my breast.

    I told him, I need him. He's a major part of my support team. He doesn't have to know details unless he chooses to, but sometimes, I just need him to hug me, and assure me we'll get through this together.

    He told our son the other day, that I go on this site all the time, and he thought, I was dwelling on the disease, and making myself more afraid.

    I let him know, that I'm fine, and I will stay fine, but that this site is a great support. Also, some of these ladies make me laugh out loud, and laughter is healing. They also offer great advice in talking to doctors, handling side effects, looking and feeling better, diet & exercise, etc.



    It's so wonderful to see a husband on here! WHAT A MAN!!!



    Blessings

    Paula

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  • BrandyJ
    BrandyJ Member Posts: 1
    edited September 2012
    I was treated for breast cancer in June 2002 (age 42).  I had a right mastectomy, chemo and radiation.  Then went on Tamoxifen for 3 years, then Arimidex for another 2 years.  This past Easter I started having severe pain under my right rib that radiated through to my back.  Went to my primary care and it was brushed off as that I had eaten something bad.  I lived with horrible pain for another 2 months, thinking that I was having gallbladder issues.  Finally I was admitted into the hospital June 13, 2012 and was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.  My right lung was completely collapsed and my cancer has spread to my liver, lungs, hip bone and a spot on my spine.  I have had 3 rounds of chemo so far.

    My main issue right now is my loving husband of 32 years.  He is my main caregiver right now and he doesn't have any real friends that he can talk to.  I know he is trying to be so strong for me and just take care of me the best way he can.  I know he is so full of fear over losing me, although he thinks after 6 rounds of chemo that I am going to be done and beat this cancer just like I did 10 years ago.  Do anyone of you have any ideas of where I can get support for him-some group or connection with another husband that is going through the same similar experience as us.  He is such an emotional loving man and I just wish he had someone he could talk to.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  This is one of my first times joining in this group, but do really enjoy reading all of your comments.

    BrandyJ
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2012

    Brandy

    I'm so sorry you have progressed to stage IV ( as if this could actually be called progress! )

    I don't know my final diagnosis yet, as my surgery isn't scheduled until oct. 22, because of insurance issues. I can't imagine the horror of recurrence.

    I,m concerned about my husband, as I said before, because he holds everything in. Right now, I look fine, no symptoms, or treatments, so I really do feel fine.

    I'm going to check online to see if there are any support groups for husbands of BC patients. I had hoped that Hydro would share more.

    If I find anything, I will post on here.

    In the meantime, I will be praying for you.

    I met a lab tech at the cancer center I go to who is going through her 4th round of treatment. She has been stage 4 for 16 years. Don't ever give up!



    Blessings

    Paula

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2012

    Brandy

    Does your husband read at all? I just found 2 great books written by husbands of breast cancer patients.

    1. Breast cancer husband.....by Marc Silver

    2. Stand By Her.....................by John W. Anderson



    I looked for support groups for husbands online. There are a few, but this very site, Breastcancer.org has some answers you may seek.



    Blessings

    Paula

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  • MikeStalter
    MikeStalter Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2012

    Hi Brad

    I was the same way and that is why I wrote a book about what it was like to be the husband of a person with breast cancer.  Maybe my book would help you and others.  It is titled Still Have Faith.

    I will keep all of you in my prayers.

    Mike

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited September 2012

    Mike~thank you..I know this was for Brad, but I'm looking for ways to help my husband cope too. Anything you can share will be appreciated.

    Judging from your email address, I believe you are a Christian? We are too, but my husband hasn't studied the word as long as I have so his faith hasn't been exercised.



    God bless you

    Paula

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  • MikeStalter
    MikeStalter Member Posts: 2
    edited September 2012

    Yes I am a Christian and here is my standard email to tell people about my book.  Please feel free to contact me and please check out the book, Still Have Faith on amazon.com and Facebook. 


    Hi, My name is Mike Stalter.

    I wrote a book titled Still Have Faith which is about my wife's 17 ½ year battle with Breast Cancer and the first 4 years after
    her death.  I am hoping to help others by sharing my story.  

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  • floogendad
    floogendad Member Posts: 41
    edited September 2012

    Brad very well written as there is not much in the way for husbands as far as support goes.  We have been dealing with this for 3 years now started as Stage I, recurrence at Stage III and most recently Stage IV.  Just know that there are others out here for you to lean on if you need.  Drop a line anytime.

    Bryan

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