What could have been

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Crescent5
Crescent5 Member Posts: 442
edited June 2014 in Stage I Breast Cancer

I've been waiting for that glorious epiphany where I suddenly feel, as a survivor, how blessed I am and how I will now live every moment to its fullest.

It hasn't come.

As we approach Fall (in Maine, September is Fall), my soul is harkened back to that phone call early September 2010. "There was a problem with your mammogram, and we'll need some more pics. How soon can you come back?"

As the days grew into weeks, I knew a simple ultrasound wasn't going exonerate me. It's a slow but deliberate moment in the process when you start to accept what's really happening. It's the moment your innocence is gone forever.

My husband brought home a beautiful bouquet of flowers (so unlike him!). I noticed they matched the turning leaves outside. I just looked from the flowers to the window. Was this the beginning of the end of my life? Was it really going to end now? This way? This damn young? Will this be the last time I will be able to appreciate the leaves turning? Will I be too sick next year? Will I even be here?

It's been 2 years since that wave of reality surprised me into acceptance of my own mortality. No matter how crappy life can be sometimes, nothing trumps cancer.

So where's my damn epiphany??? I want the angels to hover over me with a cloak of appreciation. I want to taste what I've never tasted before and ..... nawwww. That's not going to happen.

We were driving back from dinner last night when as usual this point in August, I noticed the beginnings of a fall sky. It's coming early this year. Epiphany? Tap. Tap. Tap. Wherefore art thou?

And there it was with all the starkness of the reality of cancer. I am alive. It was not the beginning of the end. It was just the beginning of a bunch of awful crap. I didn't expect to be here now, but I am. And I am probably fine (it would be nice to know for sure).

As a survivor, I feel a little disgusted in myself that I wanted more. Aren't I suppose to wake up, listen to the birds and rejoice? Instead, I am still waking and thinking, "What the f*** just happened??"

It's all a process I guess. I am here. That crap is probably behind me. What will I see this fall when the leaves start to turn? It happened. It's over. Pick up the pieces now.

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  • jwilco
    jwilco Member Posts: 486
    edited August 2012

    Your post really hit me.  I think I'm in the same place, waiting for that epiphany or something.  Just not sure what.  It will be a year in Oct since I had my UMX surgery.  I found the lump at the end of Aug last year.  I can't believe it's been a year of worry, stress, surgery, etc.  So now what?  That's where I am right now.  In the middle of a big "now what?" phase.

    Hopefully we will figure it out.

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  • momand2kids
    momand2kids Member Posts: 1,508
    edited August 2012

    Hi

    I think that there might not be an ephiphany--for me it was more of a gradual returning to my wildly chaotic and fortunate life..... and I was past the 2 year mark when that happened--- you are still "there" if you know what I mean.  I don't know how it is for others, but for me, at the almost 4 year mark, I just about never think about it.... I feel a little like a rubber band--I stretched and contracted for the experience, but I have have been relaxed back into my original shape (more or less!).  But there was no great moment--just lots of little ones (like the flowers from your h).  The truth is, before this happened, it was really about the little moments.  And, in many ways, it still is.  I like to say that breast cancer did not change my life, it changed how I am in my life.....

     I hope you will find, as I did, as the third year comes and goes, your thoughts go there less and less.... and your life re-emerges.  I think there can sometimes be pressure on people to do something "big" when they experience these life events.  My experience has been that it is all about the small things..... Everyone has to approach this in a way that works for them.  There could be an epiphany, but maybe it is just not ready to show itself yet.  Or it could be lots of small ones!!!!!!

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited September 2012

    C5 - As you know I "left" emotionally for 4 months. You were there cheering me on, leading the way. Thank you. Yep it was a cruel trick for us to be so close and have the rug pulled out from under us. I gotta say the 40mg of Prozac per day gives me a new outlook. I was on the edge and in a very dark place for quite a while. Now I and my family are stronger for it. Ephipanies (sp?) can be big or small. I hope you find yours soon and often.

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited September 2012

    I believewe all have some of that but it takes some longer to get on with their lives, I had to move along for I was in the Process of making wedding plans when I was diagnosed, I thought my husband would change his mind and not want a bride with one breast, But GOD had sent me the man of my dreams and we have been married 18 yrs and oh by the way I am an 18 yr Survivor(Praise the Lord), it took awhile but I believe you too will make it pass that Point, God Bless. msphil(idc, stage2, 3 nodes, chemo and rads L mast. and 5yrs on Tamoxifen  

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  • New-girl
    New-girl Member Posts: 358
    edited September 2012

    I love reading posts that encourage and push me on.  Thanks msphil for letting me know that our lives will start to move along hopefully without the cloud of cancer ever present.  This year has been horrific and I am so ready for better days ahead.

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  • bluepearl
    bluepearl Member Posts: 961
    edited September 2012

    Sometimes post traumatic syndrome enters the picture....or as they once said "shell shock". It is all an existential crisis and one way or another we all find our ways of coming to grips with our own mortality. It can take a while. Know that you are never alone in this. We are there or have been there....

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