I am not built for this.

ps - NONE of us is built for this... not a single one of us....

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree with BikerLee--unless someone has gone through cancer they really can't relate. Do you have other resources, like a peer support group or ?  I'm sorry to hear your counselor doesn't seem to be helping. Maybe another would be a better fit?

FWIW, after I finished treatment I went through a whole second round of sadness, anger (etc) not to mention side effects from starting tamoxifen (including 6 weeks of really bad insomnia. No wonder I was in such a bad mood. No sleep for six weeks!). None of my family or friends could understand, and were telling me to be positive and put the experience behind me, etc. (my mom even suggested I "stop dwelling on it." ha!) The counselor helped me get through that tough time. I also briefly attended a support group. (some cancer support centers even have groups for young cancer patients). I continue to go to my Guided Imagery group (like meditation, for patients with different types of cancer) and that helps a ton. Even when I'm not necessarily having a bad day, it feels good to be surrounded by my tribe.

p.s. there's nothing wrong with punching a pillow. Good way to get rid of some of that anger. My counselor also suggested keeping a journal to get some of those thoughts and feelings down on paper. Maybe something to try???

i totally get what you're saying.

kf - i feel ripped off as well!

i mean, i was in good racing form and WHAM - here's some chemo for you....  oh, and say goodbye to your natural hormones...  

i'm younger as well - not young... but young for breast cancer.  i've been going to a young breast cancer survivors group - it's good... we have a little kid, and i identify a lot more with women on the younger side than the older side because of that and also becuase i'm an athlete and heavy into my career....

i'm sure the break up is not helping either. that's tough, to have a break up when you're already feeling kind of low...

third thursdays - there is a young breast cancer survivors support group near the u of mn campus.  i can give you more deets, if you are interested.  i have really benefited by going. it was a relief to meet other people feeling somewhat as i did... and sometimes still do.

right now, i seem to just feel stressed out.  partly because i've started putting stuff back on my plate again...  stuff that involves some ambition and planning...  and it's stressing me out because i haven't done much of that since the diagnosis of just over one year ago. another part of that is that i feel myself approaching fast as a biker... and it's just so tantalizingly close... and yet i wonder if i'll actually get back to fast.  i love riding hard with my buddies. i love racing hard. i love it so... and i'd like that back. another piece of it is people around me always asking questions - so, are you cancer free now?  well, i hope so, but i'd rather not talk about it...  i just want to fly off the cancer radar.  i want people to stop asking me questions all the time. i want people to just see me as lee.  on the other hand, i'll never be the same as i was before cancer.  that person essentially does not exist anymore.  and that has me bummed out.  i miss my innocence, if you will.

and so... what am i to do?

how am i to relearn stress management?  how am i to toss the anxiety about recurrence to the curb?  i have no control over whether i'll have a recurrence - oh sure - i'm doing good things with eating and exercise and so on...  but i'm not a fanatic about it.  

i guess i could go on and on and on....

but, actually, i think i'll return my attention to this big project i need to work on.

i hope you have a peaceful afternoon.... 

Tanya, I just wrote a long response to your post, but it poofed into thin air before I could save it!  So here goes a slightly quicker version...

What I said was, I won't presume to understand exactly how you feel because I am a lot older than you, and I have different stats. But there are a few things I've learned from bc and life that I wanted to share with you.

First, no matter how bad you feel today, I know how quickly something good can happen to give us a new perspective.  This quote by Mary Anne Radmacher that a friend sent me when I was first dx'd is something I read many times when I was having a dark day, and it always reminded me that tomorrow would be better:  Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."  

Another thing I've learned is that the fear you're feeling now about the next four more years doesn't remain as strong as it is now. That's why we all celebrate our cancerversaries -- not to remind us of our dx, but because it lifts our spirits as each year goes by that we're cancer-free.  So just know that you're not going to continue feeling as worried and hopeless as you do now for 4 more years. It really does get easier.   

And anger, as uncomfortable as it is, is a good thing.  You need to feel the anger at what's happened to work through it.  And if your counseling sessions aren't helping, perhaps you need to find a different counselor -- one who is very experienced at working with younger women with bc.  Along the same lines, I hope your medical team has given you abundant hope about your prognosis.   If you aren't getting positive messages from everyone caring for you, find people who give that to you. 

And I guess the other thing I wanted to say is that breaking up with a boyfriend is always devastating, but especially so on top of the other stuff you're dealing.  But, you know, there's a lot of truth in that Garth Brooks song about thanking God for unanswered prayers, and maybe the breakup, as painful as I'm sure it is for you, will turn out to be an unanswered prayer for which you will be very grateful when you meet the right man.     (((Hugs))), and please let us know how you're doing today...  Deanna

Deanna--so well said.As always you do know and say the right things

Everyone must remember that when you hear your name and cancer in the same sentence you life just changed.

It will get betta...Time is the key.This is one ugly monster we are fighting with but We are bigger then that!!!

Tanya, places with enough bc patients often have more than one support group -- early stage & metastatic -- for the very reason your doctor mentioned.  In fact, I think UCLA even has a 3rd separate group for newly-dx'd women. So don't let your doctor make you feel weak or lead you to believe you're "mentally not ready" or "stable enough" to deal with a support group.  Separate groups make a lot of sense because early stage women and women with mets have very different issues and concerns, so I see the lack of separate groups as a downfall on his part or the hospital's part.  Is there possibly a larger medical center within driving distance of you that offers separate groups?  

I also didn't say earlier but want you to know that you are truly stronger than you think you are.  I know there are days when it all comes crashing down around us -- especially going through a relationship loss on top of the bc.  But you CAN do this... you ARE doing this, even though you don't feel like you are.   And I just truly believe it's going to get better.  It sounds like you're just at a very low point, which we all have at one time or another.  Please hang in there!  I'm also going to PM you my phone number if you ever feel the need to talk.     Deanna 

Hi Tanya,

Wow! I just had this same conversation with MYSELF today. I however, did not have to have chemo/radiation or hair loss. I had a double mastectomy w/o recon in June 2012. The day of your original post I went in for TE's. I went in with boobs, came out with small ones and over the last 2 weeks have seen my boobs transform into what I currently have as bowling balls sitting on my chest now. It's quiet comical to try to roll over at night 1. because you are now top heavy and 2. I still have my drain tubes in and they are killing me.

I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do. It sucks to have cancer and no one seems to understand but the ones who are going through the same issues. I see people on tv or in public and all i want to do is rip their heads off, because they are wearing cute low cut shirts, while I'm stuck trying to cover up drain tubes. I actually thought i was doing ok until this past saturday when all i wanted was my mom to come and take care of me and let me cry. My husband and children are amazing but I can't cry in front of them right now because they are still reeling from my diagnosis in May. My mom refuses to cry because if she does then she feels like it's beating her.

I say i'm cancer free but you are completely correct when you say you are not cancer free for another 4 years. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family. I hope you can find peace with your feelings. The women that are on these discussion boards are amazing and give out great advice.

christy