Struggling to stay positive

Hello! We have a very similar diagnosis...I just wanted to let you know that I'm impressed with you letting tour feelings out. This disease has the ability to f up our worlds. I have MH trouble to this day with no real estimated time of going away. Luckily, thankfully, we have each other.

The way I look at it, a healthy lifestyle, and especially plenty of exercise, will make me feel better as long as I am still around. It may also stave off the mets. I would rather have mets in ten years than in three. Of course I would prefer not having any mets at all, ever, but I will take a decent delay if that is all I can get.

yep it sucks. However Im glad I at least know in advance and have a chance to fight. My cousin's b-day wouldve been 2 days ago. When she was in her late 30's she had rt upper quad pain and nausea and ignored it. By the time her sister took her to the ER and they did a catscan on her it was already too late. It was everywhere. She never smoked or drank. She lived in the country. And she died a month later of metastatic cancer. Im not even sure what her primary was. She was so sick and didnt even have the chance to fight it with any treatments or surgery. At least we know what we have and can at least try to fight it. And yes there are people who have had bc years ago and it never comes back. Today when I walk outside I sit and listen to nature. I stop and spend the extra 2 minutes letting my grandbaby put stickers on me or paint my toenails. Now I get out of the bed to go talk to my daughter to just see how her day went. Now I think I am living life fuller than I did before my dx. I wasnt living life prior to cancer. I was existing. Going to work, cooking, doing dishes, paying bills, etc.

I knew there was a blue moon last night and actually went outside and just looked at the beauty of the night sky. It sucks but it hasnt beat us yet. We just need to live our life. Oh and living life thru medication is acceptable to me if it keeps me happy and productive. And venting and screaming and cryin is good too. Anything that relieves stress is a good thing. Hugs to everyone.

Night time is when I allow myself to be scared.  I think it does have to come out at some point - so I think about all the things I want to do, the time I want, the fears I have and I give in to it.  I give it about 30 mins and then I move on.   There is nothing more that I can do than I have done/do.  And spending more than 30 mins on it is a waste of time.

Unfortunately it can come back or something else completely different can happen (car accident, heart attack, different disease).  But Diana50 told me - a few years back - don't waste a lot of time on that because if it does come back - worrying about it now just wastes now.  It doesnt change anything. 

I got a good tip from one of the nurses.  When you have a thought like "Oh no I'm going to get a recurrence and die!" you can say to yourself "Even if that's true, how do I want to live today?".   This makes me calmer and it's easier to go about my business.  It works for all kinds of worries, from small to large.

Ann, I love your approach. I am like you - I am no good at being optimistic. Rather, I am very convinced that I will die of this disease in the near future. I try to make peace with this thought, but so far no good. At the moment, I simply panic at the thought of another chemo. So I try to figure out in advance - do I want to go for an extension of lifetime or don't I? Chances are that whatever I decide now, I wil change my mind in the real event, but this is nevertheless what is in my mind right know. 

And I cannot help but feel betrayed. I was diagnosed at age 33. And whereas my friends are busy pursuing their career or rearing children or both my life just seems to have stopped two years ago - no career and much much worse no children. I know it is wrong, but I feel like such a loser. 

So ckgrayoh you are not the only one having trouble adjusting to this situation. I wish I knew what to do to change the situation because I am well aware that being in this state of mind is not going to impress my cancer - it will do what it wants to do nevertheless. I just don't seem to know the way yet.

Couln't help but notice your tag line, ckgrayoh. "Trying to predict the future is like trying to drive down a country road at night with no lights while looking out the back window."So true...and funny!!

I mirror Christy's statement: "..... it took me about two and a half years after dx before I really felt like things were stable and that I could plan. I used to be on these boards everyday because cancer was on my mind from when I woke till I went to sleep."

That is me exactly. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it every day (5+ yrs later) thanks to my botched reconstruction........but not all the time and now, I think about it, then brush it off.

Someone else's tag line says: "Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives us something to do but it doesn't get us anywhere."

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Like the saying on the back of a friends' business card....."It is what it is."

(((((hugs)))))

Traci

So sorry for your pains, fear, sleeplessness.  Night is a problem  After a bad night I would wake up with a little gray cloud (FEAR), (SAD), over my head.  Bad start to the day.

I was a teacher, and I know that research shows that our brains are still working when we sleep.  So after I had a bad night or two after the terrible phone call, I bought an audible book,  A 1000 Years of Laughter, and played it through earphones ALL NIGHT LONG.  Theory: it gives my sleeping brain something else to think about.  The early part of the book is a little boreing.  After four nights of going to sleep with it on, I was never awake past the Medieval Period. Later I would start it at different points.  I have also used free Garrison Kieler Lake Woebegone, Prarie Home Companion podcasts, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the White House, and
Bossypants.  Music is great too.  I prefer classical.  Nothing hot to keep me awake.  Hope this helps.

Thanks for the condolences. Made me feel better ( i haven't been very good at " sharing" all this recent bad news). It sucks to have the BC and struggle through treatment and have her die. I cry a lot now and feel overall SADDNESS.

When I told her I had breast cancer of course it upset her terribly. She became quite ill ( with esophageal cancer) right afterwards and stopped eating and had a lot of pain and said she wanted to die. I told her it was bad timing for me- she went on chemo, got off pain Meds began to eat and turned it around for 6 months so she could stay alive while I was on chemo! She died soon after I finished chemo. What a gift that was. I thanked her the night she died and she said it was her goal. I hope I am as brave and giving in my life. It made such a difference for me..

Melmcbee- are you on chemo right now? Or BC in general making you feel bad? Hugs to you.