Tired of feeling this way

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bluedolphin
bluedolphin Member Posts: 11
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

After years of struggling with depression, I thought I was finnaly done. I was actually happy to wake up every morning rather than wishing I would never wake up. I could honestly say I was happy and enjoying life for once. Then, I find out I'm no longer in remission again. Since my original dx at 21 (now 25), this is my forth reoccurrence. I'm starting to think that I'm not meant to be happy. I thought I could handle the reoccurence, but the slightest thing happens and it upsets me and then I get upset over everything. I should be used to this by now. This is the longest I have made it without a reoccurence (17mths), which I think has made it so much harder to deal with. I was told I had recurrent metastatic breast ca and it would keep coming back. I was also told that after the 2yr mark the chances of reoccurence significantly decrease. Guess I was just hoping I would make it that far. I have faced financial issues with paying for chemo, rads, and surgery and ended up filing bankruptcy. I even had insurance then. Now I have no insurance and just lost my job today. I called countless hospitals for assitance, but have been denied. Now I'm wondering why I'm even bothering. What is the point of spending thousands of dollars (even if I had it, which I dont) on crap that makes me feel like shit just to go through it over and over again.  I mean does it ever end? Why fight so hard when it's going to kill me eventually anyway. Lets see... due to filing bankruptcy and abusive parents who also stole money from me, I can't rent my own apartment so a friend is stuck putting up with me. That same friend is pissed at me which makes that arrangement great right now. She is the only person who I have ever let get this close to me, yet I still find ways to push her away like everyone else. She is like the mom I never had, and yet I still wont let myself fully believe that I wont get hurt by letting someone in. I'm so fucking screwed up in the head! I thought I was done feeling like this and thinking like this and now I realize It was all just wishfull thinking. Maybe insurance companys refuse to insure me and hospitals refuse to work with me cuz they know that there are so many people out there worth saving and I'm just not one of them.

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  • FireKracker
    FireKracker Member Posts: 8,046
    edited September 2012

    Oh my..you sure have a mixed bag of crap goin on here.....Hang in there honey....There is help out there you just have to find it.Where do you live?There are many wonderful clinics for all different kinds of bc...you just got to get the word out...go on other threads...read and research but please dont give up.Ill be prayin for ya.Here is a big huggggg.Grannydukes

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  • thefuzzylemon
    thefuzzylemon Member Posts: 2,630
    edited September 2012

    FOUR TIMES!!! WHOA!! Depression sucks so bad but I think four rounds, on top of all that You have going on, would make any of us tertible upset.

    Now, you are in a very sad place. And that's ok. But, it Sounds like its not where you want to be. You have held yourself responsible for some heavy stuff (pushing people away) and you know the consequence for That...which you want to avoid. So, be accountable for THAT part...make it stop...one step at a time. Of course you'll get treatment again! Of course you will take another go 'round. Giving up on it now would be the depressing part. I know it sucks ass but you Have amazed me with what you've gone through!! How are you not on disability yet??? How are you not giving speeches to young women??

    Now. Get pissed (its way better than being depressed) and turn some shit around!! You're in charge!!! Rip it up!! And...maybe make some nice cookies for your friend...;) whatever you do, do it with all your heart.

    (((((Hugs)))))

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  • bluedolphin
    bluedolphin Member Posts: 11
    edited September 2012

    Thanks so much to everyone! I appreciate the encouraging words and help. I am in ILL. The american cancer society helped me in the past and I received treatment at the cancer treatment center of America in Zion. Unfortunatly, they are not able to help this time. I had insurance last time I went throught them. The ACS has helped in trying to find programs for me, but I do not qualify for anything as I am working full time. I do not qualify for medicaid because I work also. It is very frustrating. I may work 40hrs a week, but they do not look at how much I am earning in relationship to how much chemo and surgery costs. I was able to get some help paying for my chemo through the drug company that makes it with help from my onc. It's still very expensive though and I don't know how long I can afford to pay for it. I also found a surgery center in Oklahoma that accepts patients without insurance. The only downside is that I have to pay cash up front, no payment plans. It is cheaper than any of the hospitals in ill though. I'm in my getting mad mode now, so I motivated to find resources out there. I'm just scared more than anything. This is the first time I have been dx without insurance. It just makes me wonder what kind of care is available to me and at what cost. I guess I will be finding out. I did try applying for the pcp plan, but I had insurance through a job I got for a mth back in June (I no longer work there) so I do not qualify. Guess I will try again in a few mths. I have been given the advice from many people to just quit work and file for unemployement and or disability, but I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to work as long as I am able. I worked full time through all my treatments in the past also. Working actually makes me feel "normal" and gives me something else to think about and focus on during treatment.

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  • bluedolphin
    bluedolphin Member Posts: 11
    edited September 2012

    Thanks fuzzy lemon...you made me laugh. I needed that. I'm in my pissed mode now :)

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  • jill47
    jill47 Member Posts: 351
    edited September 2012

    Bluedolphin:  Look at you responding to my concern under a different topic...you are amazing!!  I applaud you and thank you for your help, by caring for someone else you are showing us and yourself that you're ready to fight again against this nasty and unpredictable disease.  I'm so sorry for your 4th recurrence at such a *@_# young age, to say that is unfair is the understatement of the century.  I'm with the other gals who responded to you here along the others who will follow.  Please let us know how you are doing.  Hugs, Jill

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