a rant about my journey, femara, and my boss

Three and half months ago, after finding out I had a 6+ cm tumor on my left breast and enlarged lymph nodes too, I told my boss, who although she was empathtic, she also started putting the problems of the difficulties she will have while I go on leave, on me as well as her anxiety about needing a temporary replacement, and tried to involve me in finding solutions to all the problems. I was in a whirlwind of my own and could not participate in this kind of what to me was now petty issues that would have to get worked out w/o me. I had cancer. I left work on FML, took tamox for 6wks to shink the tumor,  became very ill w/ a digestive issue, which I believe was side effect from tamox as well as effects from a debilitated immune system.  Doctors didn't know for sure. After not keeping food down for days,and dropping  weight dramatically fast, from being ill, right before the surgery I stopped the tamox and was put on some antibiotics to get well enough for surgery(s). I went and had an oorphorectomy and a l. mastectomy. I wanted to get on the femara as soon as possible because I had not had neo adjuvant chemo, only tamox, and did not want post surgery chemo. The doctor stated that he usually waits a month, but after hearing my tumor had a grade of 3, I was adament a week out that I could handle it as I knew, though no tumor markers had yet been drawn, there was still a lot of cancer in my bloodstream, and believed I needed something urgently. So, still not fully having recovered from my illness before surgery or the surgeries themselves, I started on the femara under close supervision of doc 1 week post op. Heavens me. I have never been on such a hellish ride. for the next two months I was completely beside myself, wretching, not eating, bedridden for much of the time, dropping more weight getting weaker and weaker, doctors took me off femara for 10 days while I got a handle on my illness, docs did tests after test, prescribed another round of 2 kinds of potent antibiotics at once to cure what they had decided was a gallbladder infection. Didn't think I would make it back to see any sign of health, ever, and truly though I was going down. Through all of it, I had unbelievable depression felt by every cell in my body greiving the hormones that were leaving it forever. I was aging at light speed. Finally,  after all the antibiotics,  I started feeling like I might not die right away afterall, and was able to put my focus and my energy on a regimented schedule of probiotics to rebalance my intestinal flora, and get back to a healthy diet. I had a ph. call from my onc, who told me that my tumor markers were 99, 3x higher than normal. Since that was the first time they were drawn, he couldn't say if they were going up or down but because they were high, he wanted to do ultrasounds and PETscan because this is indicative of metastatic disease. So, though I had so many nucleas, isotopes and radiation from all the scans in the last 3 months, I knew I had to do this one too. It was good news for me the results were all NED. I knew that  the tumor markers were still way too high though and could not find peace knowing this. My boss was asking me when I was going to return. i did not think I had the strength to meet the demands of my job as a supervisor for a grp of therapist running a mental health program. I felt physically, emotionally and mentally depleted, I just could not go back. My FML time was up and i realized my position would need to be filled, they would need to lay me off, and I would have to collect unemployment or TDI. So, I told them I couldn't come back by they date they expected me, and so they extended the date to allow me more time to return. It was just a few days prior to my expected return, that I thought I might be able to muster the strength to at least fake it. So I went back in. I was very disoriented and had to spend the 1st week relearning how to do my job, while grappling w/ all the side effects w/ the femara. At the end of the 1st week, I thought, "okay, it's painful, but I can do this," I got call from doc that said my tumor markers had decreased by half. Woohoo! My first feeling of relief in months. My second week back which was this week, I could already feel things piling on and the old me acting like all the things are my responsibility and a priority over my own health. I tried to put up some boundaries because, not only did I know I couldn't do it all, I didn't want to go back to an attitude and a way of living that accompanied my cancer in the first place. So, while trying to assert my boundaries, my supervisor said, "well it might be good for you to challenge your self." I am still reeling from this comment. Please tell me if it is just me.  What I said in response was, "oh, I'm being challenged plenty.", which I think she took as a defensive remark, but what I really wanted to say is, "Are you flippin serious lady? You are talking to a cancer patient whose statistics say she's supposed to die in 5 years. I have been challeged in ways unimaginable by you every day for the last 3 months and it will go on for me for the rest of my life, so don't sit there and tell me condescendingly that it would be good fof me to challenge myself!" But of course I didn't say that. Can someone help me stop being angry? I have so much femara built up n my system, I am cranky as can be from no sleep, and achiness. I'm about to intentionally forget to take my pill for a day, just so I can get some sleep. thanks for listening.