My husband says missing breast doesn't bother him at all...

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KP1970
KP1970 Member Posts: 192
edited June 2014 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy

how can I believe him? :( I had a single mastectomy to my right breast 5.5 years ago. My husband was wonderful through it all. He took very good care of me and the kids while I was going through treatment and always told me how beautiful I was, even when I was bald and leaning over the toilet.



Believe it or not, the idea of breast reconstruction rarely entered my mind until just recently. I was focused on the cancer for years, so afraid that it would return. My thoughts were consumed with this, not with reconstructing a new boob. :-/



We have been married 20 years (next month); I am 42. Our sex life wasn't very good for years after the mastectomy, but it was me...not him. Things have improved tremendously in that area over the last few months - and this is when I started thinking about reconstruction. I want to be as beautiful as I can for him.



We talked about it today and it turns out he is not a big fan of the idea. He says he loves me just the way I am, and when I asked him if he would be more put off by a missing breast or a reconstructed one, he said a reconstructed one!



He then compared me to his truck, lol He said he could easily go buy some fancy new chrome wheels or a rack for it but chooses not to because he loves it just the way it is. :)



So, I am married to a good man, yet I still have a nag in my mind that maybe he is saying all of this to spare my feelings?? I don't want to feel this way. I want to believe him. How do I?

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  • momof3boys
    momof3boys Member Posts: 896
    edited September 2012

    I think you need to do what you need to do for yourself. If you feel attractive with no reconstruction, then leave it as it is. If you think you'll feel more attractive if you get the surgery, go for it. But, do it for yourself. I'm sure your husband will love you and be attracted to you either way. He sounds like a keeper!

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  • HLB
    HLB Member Posts: 1,760
    edited September 2012

    I think you can believe him. When I talked to my guy friends about the issue they were actually surprised that I would worry about it. I don't think it matters near as much as we think it does. I think it matters more to us and the way we feel.

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  • Wren44
    Wren44 Member Posts: 8,585
    edited September 2012

    My husband doesn't mind no reconstruction. When I read what it entails, I definitely don't want to go through it. He might be thinking that more surgery would ruin his renewed sex life.

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited September 2012

    KP1970 - what I think is that it's very difficult to determine how someone really feels underneath the words they are saying.

    Unless I have been lied to repeatedly and have reason to suspect that person, it's much easier for me to just believe what someone is telling me, and accept it as the truth.

    When it came down to choosing surgery last year, I asked my DH how attached he was to my breasts. "I like them," he said. "But I'd rather have YOU, healthy."

    We sat down and looked at pictures of mastectomies without reconstruction, and reconstructed breasts using implants as well as flap procedures. I made the decision for immediate reconstruction with TEs, with the understanding that if it didn't work out, I would go flat. He respected my choice.

    Here's another point of view - on another thread here, I've read where a reconstructed breast may lose its impact when the partner realizes there is little or no sensation left. (Of course, this varies with the different procedures.)

    If you feel strongly about reconstruction, then you should do it. But don't do it for anyone else.

    If your sex life has improved considerably over the past few months, I think you can be reassured that your husband thinks you're beautiful just the way you are!

    ( And God bless the man who compares you to his favorite truck!!!! Laughing It's a guy thing.)

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited September 2012

    Being IBC - recon was not an option at time of mast.



    Hubby does not want me to have recon - he does not want me to go through any elective surgery. If I feel I want to/need to (for me) - he will support me and be there but would rather I didn't. I have decided that I won't. I am ME - who I am inside.



    Recon would not make my life any better than it is now. I can (and do) anything I want to/need to. I don't look like I did 37 yrs ago (neither does Hubby) but my mast. is only part of that change (he has changes too). It wasn't long ago that I told him that I'd made my decision - no recon - next afternoon he came home early and off we went to a great night at a favorite lodge in the Hills.



    There are so many options to be very satisfing to your guy or for him to you! (Remember - no recon will be EXACTLY the same as the 'original'.)



    Do we ever 'get into to' (fight) - ya betcha! But we always did (Sons and 'Sons' always said they never worried' 'cause you fight 'honest' LOL) . But we made a commitment to each other many years ago - health 'issues' have nothing to do with that.



    All the first 19 1/2 yrs I never worried while he was all over the World while he was deployed - he never worried about what do 'back home'. Certainly that's not true with all - but do not expect the worst. Perhaps I've said more than I should BUT he loves YOU - not your 'parts'. Keep the positive - not fall/choose to fall into the negatives some dwell in.



    Give your Hubby a big HUG and be thankful for him - he is a 'keeper'! You are you!

    Just went back and reread titile of tread - OF COURSE it does make a difference to your Hubby that your are dealing with BC - but it is YOU who matter - not the DX! Hey (I know just how I look at 'stuff[) I'd rather than have my DX (and what I've been through) than to have had a lot of other DX's - I can still be ME and do 2hat I want. For how long don't know but there is no guarantee of 'tomorrow.
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  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited September 2012

    Kicks, my dh took a similar stance about recon. For me, the idea of more surgery was extremely unappealing, and I was also worried that I would be completely weirded out by the look and feel (or lack of feeling really) of recon foobs. I do wear prostheses, but if they bug me or I don't like their look, I can take them off. 

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  • kathindc
    kathindc Member Posts: 2,042
    edited September 2012

    My DH didn't want me to have to go through more surgery for recon and I was so relieved with him saying that.  I had printed out photos of reconstruction and was not happy with how the breasts looked whether it was one or both breasts.  I figured why should I go through tissue expansion and extra surgeries when the new breasts would have no feeling.  For me, that wasn't appealing.  I now live flat. 

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