In shock

@Infobabe, thanks for using that phrase "success stories", because you reminded me there is a whole thread by that name with hundreds of stories of people who had successful breast cancer treatment, lived many more years and eventually died of something else at an advanced age. Many of them were treated years ago, before the hormone treatments or targeted therapies were developed. Nowadays there are many more ways to treat breast cancer than there were back then, so there is even more reason to hope for a happy outcome to treatment.

@bennymuffins, I really think it's time for you to turn off the computer, put that new saddle on your horse and go for a long, long ride. Lose yourself in the interaction with your horse, focus on something other than your computer screen. I think at this point, you need more information in order to have an accurate idea of what kind of treatment and prognosis you are facing, and that information is simply not available until after you've done your other tests and scans. Some of it you won't get until after your surgery. Until then, it's impossible to know the answers to all your questions, and you'll only scare yourself and make yourself crazy by trying to guess what it will be. I know, because I did the same thing you're doing. After my initial biopsy, I got sent back for an MRI, and after the MRI I got sent back for another biopsy, of a suspicous lymph node, and an ultrasound check of a suspicious area on the MRI. It was seven weeks after my initial biopsy, and two months after I first found the lump, before my surgery was scheduled, and there was almost another month to wait after I finally got a date. During those seven weeks, I fluctuated back and forth between hysterically upset and "can't stop crying". I got paranoid and thought my surgeon was trying to push me into LX+R when I was terrified of radiation. I had an emotional meltdown during a phone consult with my doctor, not to mention the times I called my mother and cried all over her. By the time I showed up at the hospital for surgery, I was almost a basket case! But all that angst did me no good at all, and it won't do you any good either. Whatever your diagnosis may be, worrying won't change it. Whatever your prognosis may be, worrying won't improve it. Worrying only adds mental torment on top of whatever is happening physically. 

When you get back from your ride, may I suggest calling up your counsellor to make an appointment? S/he has already pointed you in the right direction by saying "don't catastrophize your situation", but it sounds to me as if you need some specfic tools to help you carry out that wise suggestion. It may not be possible to stop worrying altogether, but the less you worry, the better you'll feel. Getting some worry-elimination tools from the counsellor will help you reduce your anxiety and feel more in control of your situation. If there is a support group available to you, joining it might help too. It helped me a lot to be able to talk about my fears with people who understood and had gone through it before me. It also helped to see that even those whose diagnoses were much scarier than mine, were carrying on with life.

Other than that, I can only encourage you again to hang in there. I can tell you (so you don't think your current feelings will go on forever) that once you get a full diagnosis and a treatment plan, you'll probably feel a lot better. I'll also say, just to put it in the back of your mind, that if it turns out that you do need a mastectomy rather than lumpectomy, MX is not the end of the world. That is the surgery I chose, and the pain was much less severe and the recovery a lot easier than I feared beforehand (that is mastectomy only, I didn't have TE's and won't be doing reconstruction until I finish chemo). Between getting rid of many of the uncertainties about my diagnosis and treatment, and the fact that the surgery wasn't nearly as bad as I'd expected, I was almost giddy with relief.

Hi,

 I'm still in a confusion about how this whole posting works but I will learn from practice.  Does anyone have any ideas about how to treat the breast during radiation?  I know about the aloe vera.  Any other ideas? I start on wed.

Cats, there are radiation threads on here too. I used glaxol base which comes in a tub .. Ou can get it at Walmart or Costco. My RON recommended it. Be sure to cover you entire breast and underarm after treatment and at night. I too got very dark and the I peeled. Do not put anything on for up to 2 hours prior to treatment. I hope this is helpful. I finished rads in May and am still very dark under my arm.

Bennymuffins, I would love to hear how your day went with your horses.  I am 3 years out now and I went through all the thoughts/feelings you are going thru.  The thing that helped me the most was a horse who came into my life a few weeks before I was diagnosed.  He was with me all through my treatment and passed away a month after I finished. As long as I have a horse I can do anything.  There were times when I could barely brush him but I did.  Enjoy your new saddle, ride and if you can't ride for a while, sit in a chair near your horse and read him the newspaper (I know someone who did this).

The support here is wonderful as you can already see.

Take care and I wish you many, many miles of Happy Trails.

Lizzie 

Hi Benny,  Welcome from Australia, like others have said above, none us want to be here, but here we are.

With regard to worrying about having all your lymph nodes out and them all being positive, I had 30 glands removed, and only the sentinal node had cancer in it, so don't totally panic yet.

regards Ched

Hi Benny

I'm new here too, but just wanted to say "hi" and let you know I'm praying for you.

NSJ2

Benny you are so right us horse people are...well you were kind and went witth unique... I am one too and ill go so far as.to say we r a.little strange. Best of luck with everything hon

Hi dear Benny, you seem so much more positive at the moment, well done. !!

 I had a long chat today with my dear friend today who had grade 3 BC  spread into 3 lymph nodes, double mastectomy,( she chose to have double herself,) chemo ,radio and various tablets. She is recovering so well, looks amazing eats like a horse ( excuse the pun ) d oesn't have to go the clinic for 6 months and told me the conviction it has spread everywhere is just what happens to everyone, her included after diagnosis.( I have had this for a few days ) Strange pains all over body and head too. She is two years on and planning to be here for many more, take heart.

She is an ex horsewoman and is my Granddaughters other Nanna. We are going to ride out together as soon as we can. Your time with these beautiful creatures sounds magical.Can't wait to try it out. 

bennymuffins 

I used to be needle phobic.  I would just about pass out.  But I made up my mind a long time ago that as I age, things ae going to come up that require some uncomfortable treatment.  So I better put on my big girl panties and suck it up.

And  honestly, it is not as bad as I think it is going to be.  It is just the thought of it.  The medical people are pretty good at managing pain.

After all, I had cataract surgery on both eyes.  What is a worse thought than someone messing around in my eye and sucking out the lens.  It was a piece of cake and easier than going to the dentist.  

One thing though, I never open my eyes.  I don't watch what they are doing.   It would freak me out, 

Bennymuffin



So sorry to hear of all your anxiety. Fear of the unknown is tough. These tests are necessary so you know where you stand. Good news or bad news at least you can make informed decisions. Once you have cancer it is not uncommon to assume every headache is brain
mets or every persistent aching joint
is bone mets - that is a total normal
thought process. You are NOT a
goner at stage 3.

I understand you are not a fighter,
and no one likes to be poked and
prodded like a lab rat, trust us we
know this feeling well.

What I do think is that if you don't find out what you are up against then
you might be agonizing for nothing.
Meaning stressing yourself
uneccessarily which is not healthy.
For the most part cancer is not super symptomatic and painful so
you may have another treatable and
not life threatening ailment but you
need the tests to know.

I wish I was closer and could go with and hold your hand. Can you
contact your Dr and see if they have
peer navigators who can go with
you?

I am in no way trying to minimize
your agony over all of this so I hope
it does not come across that way.
What I do think is you have life left in
you and it seeps out the cracks when
you are not feeling overwhelmed. : ).

I do not know you well, but what I think I can tell is you would be really
disappointed if you let fear prevent
you from getting answers and don't
get the tests only to find months
down the line you had something that
was very treatable had you bit the
bullet and faced your fear.

Use your EMLA and get the bone
scan tomorrow. One day at a time
one foot in front of the other. There
are plenty of women on the Stage IV
thread that do not choose treatment/fight based on their stage
etc and you will get support no
matter what you decide so I am not
telling you to be a fighter but you
should at least know what you are up against so you can make an informed choice.

Sending you as much strength and
courage as I can through the Internet
to get through these tests. I know
you are scared, I do think life has a
way of presenting wake up calls that
force us to face fears and we find
ourselves stronger than we ever
thought when we get to the other
side!

Lesley

Dear Bennymuffins,

If I was close, I would also have gone with you, but I live on the other side of the Rockies in BC. Wish there was something I could do for you - my heart truly goes out to you. Do take an Ativan tonight so that you can get some sleep. Whatever happens or whatever the final diagnosis may be, I promise you that it will get better as time goes on. Don't be too apprehensive tomorrow though. Hospitals are scary for us ordinary people, but the drs and nurses there work with these things every day, they are so well-trained, and they will put you at ease. Share your fears with them - I am sure they can give you something to make you feel calmer, and to handle it better.(((((((HUGS!!)))))))

 PS: I am also a hopeless cat lover. Never met a cat I did not like! I have a feisty Siamese girl. What do you have?

My surgeon agreed I need both anxiety medicine AND pain medication when doing anything concerning needles.  Otherwise, unless they do  it perfectly the first time (and some do), i disolve in tears, hyperventilate, and lose it.  It's pills for me from now on.  Discuss it with your doctor.  The doctor told my husband it would be like ordering my daughter not to faint when she sees blood.  (She gave up medical school for law).  Some people just have phoebias. 

Bennymuffins, I have not read through all of the post on here, so I don't know if anyone has told you about cold caps to keep your hair. I used Penguin cold caps and kept all of my hair through 6 rounds of chemo. That was one very public side effect I did not want to go through.