it's been quite a year

This morning, I was dressed for my walk and looked at myself in the mirror and liked the way my breasts looked! It was the first time I have thought that since the morning I left for my lumpectomy more than a year ago. I'm especially pleased because I had on my ever-so-strong zip up sports bra that keeps me steady when I'm out on my walk not my pretty new wired bras that I finally get to wear. In the spring, once I'd lost a little weight, I bought new walking clothes as my sister says exercise is reallly "all about the clothes". I find she's right, it's easier to get up and out-of-the-house on my walk when I wear my new clothes!

Golden- I'm impressed you're walking this time of year in AZ!  You must get up waaaaay earlier than me.    I did finally drag my (rapidly expanding) a$$ onto the treadmill yesterday.  Maybe if I can keep it up some new walking clothes are in my future!

Hope everyone had a good weekend! 

I wonder why it is.......... that sometimes this hits like a new thing again.  I laid on the floor tonight to rest my back (the kids were taking up all the seating as we gathered to watch a movie) and I stretched my arms up over my head.  How different my body feels!!  And the pec muscles are so tight from the implants.  It was like I felt the implants, stretched muscles, numbness and pain 'points' anew.  Maybe it was because I was filling in a neighbor tonight on my year.  I don't know but sometimes it's like 'wow', I had cancer.  This is serious business.  Taking care of myself is serious business.  I am just so mindful of my time now and the need to spend it with my kids.  They say life is short.  That thought is with me so often, daily now. It even feels different to hug them now.

I thought I would share;  I know others have these thoughts.  We certainly can't ever rewind the clock can we?

mybee333 and Joanne_53 you've described things so well! Thank you for your words. It's those little things that are different that once in awhile just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a mment the other day where I happened to stretch those muscles and realized I hadn't been doing my arm exercises since my last surgery in May. I stopped for the surgery but never started again! September is here, guess I've taken enough of a break. Back to my little weights (I use one and two pounds ones, LOL). Guess I'll work my way back up to the two pound weights. Who ever thought that might be my goal? I miss my old breasts.

In a way, it is like a dream, one that never ends.  There is a slightly surreal experience to life now.  There are so many reminders, as you said.  I wake up stiff and hardly able to walk in the morning from my Aromasin.  That slowly works its way out unless I sit for a while in the day. I got new bras, clothes.  I watched a movie last night, as I said, and the young actress took off her shirt.  I remember having breasts like that! And the man that seemed to love them decided not to play with these new ones (sorry for those of you for whom this is TMI but .........I like to be real here). Of course there is the visual reminder every time you see yourself in the mirror, before and after showering, etc. I am struggling with edema in my feet and ankles too.  It comes and goes.  I am really surprised at how much numbness and extended tingling there is - breast of course, but under the arm on my side, around to my back, underneath my breast.  That was unexpected. Joanne - You know on the other thread I have talked about dating.  I have a hard time picturing dating like this.  Perhaps if I had more energy.  I read the profiles of these guys and can picture possibly dating, but I think it is the old me I'm picturing doing all these things they want to do, not this new me.

Anyway, I don't really go about my day feeling sorry for myself, as it may sound, but rather, adapting.  I also developed arthritis over this past year too.  I am going to try to vacuum today; my right shoulder gets so painful with repetitive motions. Between that and the mastectomy/pec issues on that side, housecleaning is a challenge. I remember when I had so much energy;  I remember a different person. Perhaps when my energy comes back from this most recent surgery it will be better, but there will always be so many reminders.

I try to focus on each day one at a time, and enjoy the good things in that day and be mindful.  It takes some conscious doing to achieve and I forget to apply my positive thinking skills for, let's face it, most of the day. But I do try.

Kate - yes I think you hit it when you said 'conscious awareness'. And it is a constant awareness.

I have a dumb question and apologize ahead of time but would like to ask it:  Could DCIS, given you've had a dbl. MX esp. metastisize like this?  I thought that the 'IS' part meant it was contained, or no?

Not that anyone wouldn't be frightened.  This will definitely set you back some in your emotional recovery but I am definitely also hoping that is the only way it sets things back for you.  I am so sorry that this has to bring it all back for you. You will have some rough days ahead dear.

I also have times where I can't believe I have had cancer, that the very word relates to me somehow. For the last two weeks I have had pain in my non- cancerous breast and after mustering up the courage to go to the doctor find I have two lumps she is concerned about. I know the odds are that it's nothing but I'm scared and can't believe I'm even having to think along these lines again. When does it ever end.

SuzyBlue- I know how hard it is to even think about going through this whole process yet again.  I'm really hoping that it does turn out to be nothing and you can move forward once more.  No matter what happens I think we've all lost our innocence and our trust in our own bodies- at least I have.  I guess we have to learn to live with that and not let it define us.  Sending good thoughts your way that this is just going to be one of those scares we all probably have to experience and that you get some good news.  

I have to add tho' I had a brief fling with my ex-hus.this past February, (divorced 5 + yrs. ago) and he seemed to think it wasn't bad at all.  He chuckled and said "I think you are more than a breast Molly".  It was very sweet.  We took a shower together and it was fun.  We dated for a month then remembered why we got divorced really quickly

I think the medical hyperviligence is both assuring and terrorizing to live with.  Great point.

It's interesting you mention this reframing because someone mentioned on another thread that her doctor pointed out to her that it was really important to focus on the 85% chance of non-recurrence and not the 15% potential recurrence rate.  He said those were pretty good odds and to keep that in mind.  She felt better too

Rabbit, We all learn each time someone shares intimate life-details. I am sorry about your accident, and I understand how this just didn't seem to "reach you".

Me too. My precious dog is failing, she is 16, my husband cries, and a year ago it would have terrorized me to even think of losing her, but now I feel numb. Sad but numb.

I wonder when i cried me a river when I was diagnosed, if i cried out even future tears? Cancer changed me and I don't even know the full story.

Rabbit - I am sorry to hear of your crash too.  I fell asleep at the wheel a couple of years ago (extremely stressful time of my life) and I was a wreck myself.  The time from my clean mammo. to my diagnosis - 9 mos. - was so horribly stressful that I wonder if it didn't hasten the development and growth of my tumor.  I was grade 3 and it was an aggressive cancer. 

I don't know about the numbness.  I wondered if it is/was my AI. Or maybe just emotional trauma.  I am starting to come out of it some, bit by bit; I hope to more day by day. I read "French Women Don't Get Fat" and the book is so full of lusciousness and enjoying life's simple pleasures that I think it began to break up that numbness.  I've started cooking some of the receipes and enjoying things and feel new feelings.  I also reduced my meds. a bit so maybe that helped.  I was feeling tremendous love for my 14 y.o. son tonight and marvelled in fact, at the depth of feeling.  Where have I been?

numbness is a good description....things that would upset me or get me emotional don't anymore.I don't feel the joy you know what I mean? I am grateful for my treatments and I know I am not healed yet from the trauma my body has gone throught these last 11 months, but there are days I fell like ...when will I feel "normal" again.

Thank you all for your kindness in these posts. It truly amazes me that people I have never met can make me feel so much better about things (even things that have nothing to do with BC). I guess that is the gift we can give eachother. I appreciate all of your support.

Sometimes I wonder it will be helpful to be numb and stay calm about things because I used to over-react to things all the time. It's incredible how dealing with a cancer diagnosis and sitting your family down to tell them the news changes your perspective on what is a big deal. Now I'm a lot calmer and measured about everything. Maybe that is a good thing.  

Crystal...I am sorry about your dog. And I think you may be on to something about crying out future tears.

Jittersmom...I think we will all be normal again in time, just a different normal (if that makes any sense at all!)

Hope you all have a good day. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

You ladies are great!  I have been reading your posts and finally I'm feeling that I'm not alone with all of these feelings. I seriously have been thinking something is wrong with me but now perhaps it's just part of the process.  Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck.  It was one year since I found the little BC sucker this August.  It will be one year in Oct since my UMX.  I am at the end of my reconstruction, only have healing and then a nipple tattoo.  Still I can't help myself from thinking "that's it?".  I feel like the last year has been a blur of decisions and surgeries. 

I went to a support group for people that are finished with treatment and trying to move forward.  It was a small group and I was the only one that hadn't had to endure chemo.  I felt like they were more concerned with that part of my story than anything.  I felt sort of weird about it.  Almost to the point of questioning my own decisions.  I have to remind myself that I've learned a lot from this site and one thing for sure is this disease is very different for everyone.  That said, in the end we are all dealing with our "new normal".  Yes, I am starting to hate that term but really how else to explain it. 

I'm trying to move on and not dwell on things.  I too have very little tollerance for drama.  I'm trying to be happy again...but it's hard. 

It does help to hear your thoughts. 

jwilco - I also feel for you in that support group. I tried a small support group and decided to go to these threads instead. There were only 9 active members in my group - we all live in the same small town. All but two members and me were past their five-year mark. (The other two members had done all they could and were in their final months of life - one has since passed away). I felt so out of place - even though the group was very nice - It became more of an obligation to go to the group - something I started dreading. I meet my grandchildrens' school bus every day now, so I have a valid excuse not to attend. 

 I am definitely participating in this thread and many others today - very concerned and anxious as I am having a bone scan tomorrow. I have been having a lot of pain in my left arm for months - xrays showed nothing, so on to bone scan. Hopefully there will be no hot or cold spots - If not, I will be scheduled for an MRI. If it is determined that I do not have bone mets, my med onc will refere me to an ortho person. Regretfully, as many of you know, it is frightening to think that I may go from stage IIA to IV after a scan.....