June 2012 Mastectomy

Hi my June Friends

I am still in a lot of pain. I will be calling the PS Monday. I am so tender and I am still confused as to why my PS stitched gauze to the outside of my skin on both Frankin-boobs. They look terrible! Gosh, ladies, I am really down over this. What happened?!

In pain and tearful,

Jami 

Last fill! I already feel that I look mad ridiculous! Anyone else?

kathyhong - I am jealous!  I've got 3 left, the next being next week....hopefully he'll change his mind and I will only have 2 left.   How long before you go into surgery?

Kathy - Hang in there ... I have the huge gap between my foobs too (am filled to 495 cc, 5'4", 125 lbs - was a large A cup before). Anyway, I had my last fill 3 weeks ago & asked my PS if he can/will correct that when I get my squishies and he said definitely. He explained that they appear like that due to the shape of the TEs (you know, the side boob under the armpit). He said he would do something to move the pockets and give me more cleavage. 

On a good note, my squishy surgery is scheduled for December 14th ... ahhhhhh ... light at the end of the tunnel :-)

Do you know how long recovery takes after the squishy surgery?   It must take a few days I'd imagine, but I've heard its much easier better than the BMX.    I'm going to have to take before and after pictures (with a tank top on).....I'm horrified for the day or 2 following each fill,,  between the side foob and the grand canyon, and I find myself hiding behind layers as much as possible.  

From what I've heard, it takes about a week to recover. Good news for us June Bugs ... it falls right over the holidays, so my surgery is 12/14, week off to recover, then week off for the holidays :-) Ahhhh, I can't wait ... "all I want for Christmas is Squishy Boobs!" 

Kathy - My PS is going to use my thigh fat to fill some of the grand canyon too - we can compare notes :-)

Have you given any thought to nipple reconstruction? I'm still on the 'fence' as I just don't want another surgery. 

I'm trying to decide between tatooing (nipple and aereola), surgically create nipples or just skip the whole darn thing. Right  now I'm leaning towards tatooing with a possible visit to Vinnie in NOLA or just skipping the whole darn thing. My nipples weren't spared in surgery and my aerolas look like they are winking ... my left one is large, my right one (cancer infected side) is just a slit. My husband can't wink so I was thinking of leaving my foobs winking at him :-) I know what you mean about wearing a tank top - I have to wear that or a bra to cover the 'lumpy' areas where the scars are. Braless is definitely the most comfortable. 

Hi June Bugs! I apologize for disappearing on you ladies and feel like I have some catching up to do. I've been hanging out on the July chemo boards comiserating (spelling?) about side effects. I'm glad I popped in today because seeing that several of you are scheduled for the exchange is such exciting news! If my chemo nds on time - last week of October - I am scheduled for my exchange on Dec. 10th. Fingers crossed that all goes well.

Kathy - My co-worker has the tattoos and they look great! She showed me the outcome of her surgery (1.5 years out) because I am using the same plastic surgeon. The PS does the tattooing in his office and it is one visit. She explained that she was able to pick out the colors and the doctor blended them. I went to a class before surgery about the whole reconstruction process and they went over the various methods that can be used to create nipples. I found it very informative and agree with what you said, after the exchange I don't think I want anymore surgery, so I am opting for the tattoo.

Emily- yeah i think that will be best



My3sunz43- rub on nipples? o.O

Ohhhh....haha that made sense!!

Hey Junebugs. 

*sigh.....*

So much has happened since my last post.  But first congratulations to ROSETX!!!! Praise the Lord u are well.!!

So, after i posted last....i went to the docs and was sent for a breast ultrasound. Seems that lump is a cyst.  I was relieved, i think...but i don't know what that means really. What is a cyst? Can they take it out? Should i get it removed or no?  I didn't hear the word cyst from the oncologist...but the ultrasonographer, called the radiologist to confer over the ultrasound while i was laying there...and she said she confirmed it as a cyst.  So....i guess i have a cyst. Didn't hear from the onc, so im going with the 'no news is good news' approach on it.

Does anyone else have a weird family?  Not my own, my children and husband are the best. But my family of origin is really dysfunctional and its odd but like, it seems that everyones shit hit the fan this summer after my surgery.  From drug addictions to divorce and depression....its so weird.  Im really distracted by it today so i need something to help me stop thinking about thier messes.

I guess last night i was looking through some pictures on the ipad and i saw myself post mastectomy and i think somehow id forgotten or was in some kind of post denial or something because it was sobering. I saw the picture of my side, and the bruises and the drains.....and i remembered.  Im just like, kind of shocked that I am where i am, midst breast reconstruction...and I actually FORGOT about the mastectomy and the cancer and the everything.  This is such a strange moment in the processing of it all.  And I am sure that later on down the road I will be able to look back and have real clarity but for now...I kind of feel shocked.  Stupified if you will.  Its like, life came up and I was running around getting the kids ready for school, putting out emotional fires in my siblings lives, feeling well and starting to run and dance and sew and bead again....and I just kind of flaked out and forgot...i don't know where i went or what i was doing. i actually even forgot about getting fills.  I forgot I had tissue expanders, I missed an appointment for a fill.....I just like, moved on.  And then when i was looking at the pictures on the ipad it was like i woke up to reality and snapped back together again. 

Maybe I have Dissociative Identity Disorder...(joking) ....(maybe i really do though...) lol....(hmmmm...)

 I can't really explain it all, maybe I just got busy but for a glorious while i went into vacation mode.  Then I come back on here, and read you all posting about your chemo and ports and all this and I am sitting here now thinking of what a turd I am.  I can have these mental vacations because I am basically done treatment.  But emotionally....im not sure where I stand re: the whole cancer misadventure.  Its like, I was thrust into the emotional crisis of having cancer, the physical crisis of my mastectomy....and now, its like....the fires are out, and its just me.  God Almighty not that I would change a bit of it....because in truth my diagnosis changed who I am forever....but right now I guess im in the midst of an identity issue.  I *was* a cancer patient....and now im a survivor i think, but actually i just feel like i was a fluke.

To top it off, i think part of the normal processing is that I am really obsessed with this investigation as to why i got cancer. and i keep wondering how i can prevent cancer for the rest of my life and im just slowly going crazy here.  maybe its just post traumatic stress or something. albeit mild....im actually really happy and peaceful most of the time but tonight i think, im being hit with a bunch of reality and its shocking.

Last night i was in bed with the hubby and we were kissing and he grabbed the foob in the moment......it was weird....kind of embarrassing.....maybe that is what sent me reeling?  i have no clue.

@NanG, a cyst is a sac, usually filled with fluid. Your doctor may be able to numb it with local anesthetic and remove the fluid with a needle. If the sac collapses when the fluid is removed, that might be all the treatment that's necessary. If it doesn't, I'm pretty sure the cyst can be removed surgically. 

@mariannm, there was a post somewhere else on bco within the last few days about the stick-on nipples, but the link is in a different computer and I don't remember what thread it was on. I went and looked at the website and they do seem like a good way to figure out what color to have when getting permanent tatoos. Ithink you might be right about making it easier to look in the mirror. I had skin & areola sparing surgery, so my breast looks more like it has been deflated than actually removed. I think that may be easier for me psychologially than it would be to have a completely flat chest with a diagonal scar.

And if I were participating in this clinical trial I could blow it up again with CO2 . 

Nang....  I think what you are going through is absolutely normal.   To think about all the hormonal changes that your body has gone through, on top of dealing with cancer, I think we all have ups and downs.  I also think it's great that you can 'forget' about it from time to time.    If somone told me a year ago what next 12 months would hold,  I think I'd have gone into a state of shock, but in retrospect, I think everything happens for a reason, and we become better people through our experiences.    A year ago, the "C" word was absolutely not a possibility to me or something that I would ever go through.

I started posting on the board "Anti-estrogen and mental health"  last week (on this site's boards).  It helps to hear that others are going through similar ups and downs.   I just came across this concept of "chemo brain" yesterday, and am so relieved that I'm not losing my mind (yet). 

Jami-

Big hugs!! What are the next steps with the PS then? I hope the pain gets easier for you to tolerate and that you'll be able to go to sleep. I can tolerate pain to an extent but chest and back pain (I sprained it twice and sleeping on it sucks!) is something I can't tolerate for so long.

Jami --thanks for sharing!  I think I might only have 1 fill left now, and can't wait to get rid of these rocks!    how long before you felt you could do 'normal' things?