Reevaluating Life

After going through the knowledge that you have developed a potentially life-threatening condition; after having gone through surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, hormonal therapy and whatever else you had to do to reduce your risk, I don't see how you can't NOT re-evaluate your life.  This journey gives us a new perspective of what's important - and what's not - and many of us end up making changes to reflect our new reality.

I have the most solid marriage going and an incredibly supportive husband, yet we still struggled.  Despite the fact that he didn't miss a test, appointment or treatment, and was there for me every-step-of-the-way, I still felt incredibly alone and isolated.  It placed an incredible amount of stress on us and there were times when I wondered if we'd come out of it intact or whether it would cause us to shatter.  My anger at what was happening to me also didn't help and I wondered if it would be better (and less stressful) for him if we did decide to call it quits.  Thankfully, we both decided that our marriage is too important to either of us to just let it go.  But for awhile I wondered if we'd make it.

The thing is... I think re-evaluating what's important in your life is entirely normal when you're faced with a situation like ours.  We've just been rudely awakened to the fact that we're not going to live forever and that's a really uncomfortable feeling.  I think it's important to assess your life honestly; and sweep out the stuff that just doesn't matter and embrace wholeheartedly the stuff that does.  However, I would warn that, while re-evaluating what's important to you, that you not make any hasty decisions.  A cancer diagnosis and treatment can leave one feeling shell-shocked and it takes awhile to sort out- and work through those feelings.  Give yourself the gift of time.  Be kind to yourself.  You've just been to hell and back, and you need to get your feet under you before you make any irreversible decisions.

As for feeling "normal" again?  I'll be blunt.  Life will never be quite the same again.  Prior to your diagnosis, you probably didn't think too much about how you'd exit this world.  Now, you do.  It's a very uncomfortable feeling and there are times when I know I'd do anything to recapture that sense of "blissful ignorance" that I had prior to my diagnosis.  But just because Life will never be quite the same again, doesn't mean that it can't be meaningful.  If anything, Life takes on a new poignancy and urgency.  Every day becomes an incredible gift.

You are, now, more aware than most that Life is precious.  You still have all the pieces of your old, "normal" life in your hands.  The trick is... figuring out how to fit the pieces together in a new way; a way that will allow you to become yourself again... only better.  You're still you.  You've survived what has, probably, been the worst things that any woman will ever experience.  You've lost a child.  You've had breast cancer.  Although you are bruised and battered, and may feel utterly- and completely defeated, you're still here.  There is meaning in that.  Life can still be good; it will just be different. 

Pam, a book that helped me a lot is BACK TO LIFE, Getting Past Your Past with Resilience, Strength, and Optimism, by Alicia Salzer, M.D.  It's not aimed at bc survivors, per se, but for anyone who has suffered a PTSD experience.  Here's a link to more info: http://www.aliciasalzer.com/back-to-life-book.html

Although I'm not sure how many of us can truly relate to the double whammy you've suffered, I think Selena beautifully expressed a lot of what we go through.   Finding our new, stronger selves is definitely a process.  And don't be surprised if you experience some angry outbursts along the way.  Surpressed anger is very common after what we've been through, and it can bubble up and spill out at odd times!

I'm so sorry about your daughter.   (((Hugs)))  Deanna