Relationship changes

Yeah, I have too.

My relationship has possibly been more stress to me than the diagnosis/ops etc. Since the day before my last op in late April (lumpectomy and lymphs) my relationship with my live-in boyfriend has been 'erratic' (for the lack of a better word). He wont talk about his feelings on my diagnosis (only wanting to be told if the doctors tell me I'm dying), and wont help me with wig selection (it's important to me that he still finds me sexy).

He swings from being loving and gentle (we are still intimate sexually) and caring (somedays doing all the cooking, cleaning, parenting etc) . . . telling me to just relax and stay home and don't worry about a thing to being absent (phyically and emotionally) and angry and picking at me about little things like my car having too much crap in it (I'm struggling to keep organised at the moment so my car has some paperwork and spare clothes in it) or a coffee cup left on the table.

Some days he'll give me blow by blow SMSs on his comings and goings so I always know where his is and what he is up to to going 'MIA' for 6 hours. The phrase 'mood swings' don't do it justice !

Some people he hasn't even told despite the fact that we live in a very very small rural town - now they are all confused as I'm 'looking like a cancer patient' (after loosing all my hair and 20 kilos off my 149cm frame) so I'm constantly getting 'Sorry but we didn't know' phone calls.

Some days I think about leaving him but I intellectually know that it can't be easy on him and I also know that I'm not thinking too straight due to everything either. I'm just hoping that things settle down as time goes on . . . . I guess it helps that I don't have the strength to back chat or argue - even though most of the time I know I have valid points to make - as I know that it would only escalate the situation.

I've recently printed out some photos of the two of us over the years to hang on the wall (collage style) . . . . . and it's hard looking at the us we used to be compaired to now - We used to have so much fun and be so carefree and wild (not so much anymore). It doesn't help that I rarely go out and when I do I don't drink and need to go home early (I know I'm not much as much fun or good company these days - especially since people don't seem to be able to talk to me about anything but cancer at the moment). Doesn't help that I can't eat so dinner dates are out too. (In my town there isn't much else to do but eat and drink !!!)

And I use humour to cope with anything stressful (always have) and he is constantly chastising me about taking the cancer more seriously !

But then I wonder if these type of changes (the dynamics between us) would have naturally happened over time anyway ? As we grow up ?

And of course when I look at photos of me 5 years ago to photos of me now - well, I have no idea who that tired, scrawney, pale, hairless looking person is who is looking back at me so I can't imagine what it would be like for him to look at me. 

Sometimes I guess I have to take a deep breath and just hope that we can hold on to what we used to have and have the faith that if we are meant to be together then we'll come out the other side of this mess still together.

God I'm depressing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am having the same issues.  We were separated for a year, then got back together in Dec. of 2011.  I was diagnosed with stage IIIc in May ...and had a bi lateral mastectomy.  He was super supportive then, but now through chemo I feel like he hates me.  He would seriously rather take the kids and leave and go to his dads, then be here when I can't do anything other than lay in bed.  I've just quit talking to him about how I am feeling.  I feel like my cancer has made him realize he really only want to be with me if I'm at 100%.  If I can't do it his way then he'd rather me leave.  He called me a nuisance today and I have to say that one stung.  I keep the truth about the way he is acting from most people b/c no one wanted us to get back together to begin with and everyone thinks he is doing so great, so really I wouldn't get much sympathy from anyone.  And I don't want to hear the "I told you so"s.  I know I'm not innocent here.  There are times I really am a b......but I seriously feel like I have no control over my emotions.  I feel like a crazy person.  I'm super mad one second, sad the next, happy the next.  It's so frustrating and I'm not sure if I need to call a psychiatrist or talk to my oncologist or what.  I don't want a divorce.  We have 3 small kids 8, 6, and 4 who really suffered while we were separated.  I don't want that.  And I can't do this by myself.  I still have 12 weeks left of chemo then 6 weeks of radiation.  Not to mention finishing up my reconstruction...which means another surgery.  It's just all so overwhelming.  I feel like cancer has thrown us back into ugly old patterns, but I;m not sure how to get out of them.