Rant on...

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CelineFlower
CelineFlower Member Posts: 875

3 ½ weeks of waiting..so far ..lots more to go i'm sure

I started in fear... crying....googling.. reading.. looking for some kind of direction.

I found nothing but more questions and despair. Like most women, tell us we got something to do and we just do it.. "get it done".

I decided to ..close up.. now family and friends are saying ..."wow you are dealing so well!!"

dealing?? ya right.. theres nothing to deal with.. i would LOVE something to deal with,

that! i could deal with.. but this waiting hand? Its a bad deal.

My husband wants me to find something to distract myself with..

Tell me.. how do you distract from a freight train coming at you at a gazillion kms an hour?

It's all i think of...

its loud.. its obnoxious..

So .. i found this place... THANK GOODNESS!!!

it helps keep the ground from shaking needlessly

it showed me i am not alone

I have been reading here now for about a week...

And now.. have to say.. i am angry

Not at anyone here...

But the way we have all been treated. There is no "formal' support for us. No warnings No guidance

Just fear

The fear levels are very erratic and in my opinion.. media and the health industry are responsible for fuelling the fires

I hate feeling like this... i hate my body.. i want to reach into my breast and pull it out ..

morbid and gross i know...

"Are'nt you scared of having to get them remouved??"

Hell no... not if they are killing me...

Then they look at you odd.. "arent you attached to your boobs?"

I'm more attached to living.

I want to eat... everything...

I want to drink till i pass out

i want to run

i want to stand still

Rant off

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Comments

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012

    Celine, PLEASE, rant on !!! you are putting into words what's bottled up inside of me that I can't get out 

    I remember the exact feeling when I wanted the world to stop, stand still, yes.....I still want to run 

    You should post in the blog section so that your words don't get buried

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    Thank you red ruby girl ...:)

    blog?

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012

    Celine, at the top of the page, hit

    Breastcancer.org

    then Blog, top right hand side

    I've never tried, don't know if we need special permission to have a blog ? 

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    Ahh ok thx 

    Kinda enjoying the social touch of posting.. rather then blogging at the moment

    but thanks for the thought ill keep it in mind 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012
  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012

    Lol !!!!!!!!!!

  • camillegal
    camillegal Member Posts: 16,882
    edited August 2012

    CELINE----one thing LOL--u got our attention.

    U must be in the "waiting" room right now--it's worse than enterin sometimes. Waiting, tap, tap, tap, is not fun--u have no idea what's going on and yet u have a feelin everyone behind the scenes knows. But when everything is put together and a plan goes into action in some ways it's more calming. 

  • LeahLeah
    LeahLeah Member Posts: 176
    edited August 2012

    Love the Rant Celine, please do carry on.  My husband says we have to get busy, we have things to do.  

    Yep, but I can't focus on anything, and when I lay down at night to sleep, ha! forget that.  Not happening.  My GP's office called in some Ambien 5mg, did not work, was awake until after 3am last night and almost all night the night before.  At least I haven't cried today, but it's early yet!  ha

    Anyway, thanks for putting a "voice" to the feelings. 

  • Janet456
    Janet456 Member Posts: 507
    edited August 2012

    Oh how I can relate to that .... the waiting is horrendous!  Mine wasn't a clear cut case so it went on for 9 weeks, during which time I nearly lost my mind.  Things will get better once you know whats happening xxxxx  

  • whaevah
    whaevah Member Posts: 354
    edited August 2012

    Loving this post... click ...add to favourite Cool

  • SillyMama
    SillyMama Member Posts: 173
    edited August 2012

    Rant all you want!

    It was like having a freight train roaring through my brain. After my bc diagnosis, I first posted here at about 2 in the morning. I couldn't think, couldn't sleep. My son was two and a half, and the previous evening, I nearly put him into the bath without testing the water temperature! Only his toes touched, but it was enough to scare both of us! (I had to step in and stand in the bath water for 6 weeks after that before he would get in.)

    I asked "how do you get through it?" And I had 5 responses by breakfast! And 18 by dinner! I wish I had copied them- they were so helpful! One was to get a notebook and keep everything related to my treatment or appointments in it. Another was to take a digital recorder to my doctor's appointments. And there was an attorney in Washington, D.C. who mentioned a med called Ativan. She said it calms you down without making you loopy. Since I was now worried that being too scared to think straight was messing with my mothering, I asked my surgeon for it. It got me through to surgery, and then I didn't need it anymore.  

    ((hugs)) Donna

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    LOVE the rants ladies..thank you! keep em coming ;)

    I keep fucking checking the ..lump .(bump.. bastard of a alien thing)..maybe it wont be there this time?

    i'm convinced (or convincing myself).. just like the car and the mecanic.. it will be gone by the time i see the BS

    All thos breast exam programs... all those nurses and doctors that tell you to "keep an eye/hand" on your breast... no one ever tells you about this part..

    Are they affraid we couldnt handle it?

    ffs... this is just moronic

    negative thinking.... fear... im sure feeds this fucking thing...

    just.. cant.. stop. 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012
    Celine, you will feel so much better when it's out trust me, can't you call and see if they can see on an urgent basis, tell them you're having a melt down Tongue out
  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    Bah... it's canada

    its free.. but you get what you get and cant really complain to much

     They are so over worked and under payed... most of the health care workers seem to have lost their compassions

  • Galsal
    Galsal Member Posts: 1,886
    edited August 2012

    rant away...no problem with that here!

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    Ok top 10 things that piss you off

    10- Stepping on lego (love my grandson but ugg!)

    9- To much sugar in my coffee

    8- City noise

    7-Impenetrable Packaging

    6-The gurgling in my kitchen pipes

    5-running out of toilet paper

    4-People mis pronouncing my name 

    3-Cruelty to animals/elderly/children/sick

    2-Answering the "how are you" question 

    1-Waiting...  

  • Galsal
    Galsal Member Posts: 1,886
    edited August 2012

    that stepping on Legos is horrid!  my son to this day remembers me yelling about his strewn about and getting stepped on and he's 25 next month.  LOL

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012

    10 things to piss me off:

    1. someone line/queue jumping, butting, barging, budding, budging, skipping, ditching, breaking, shorting - why did they pick me ? - do I have sucker written all over my forehead ? 

    2. someone stepping on my toes or bumping into me on public transit and not apologizing

    3. NOISE NOISE NOISE I hate noise !!

    4. cashier making a mistake and NOT in my favour, grrrrr, or coming home finding lint brush floating in dishwashing liquid (somehow bottle cap opened during transit !!!????)

    5. being asked SOoooooo, how are you ???

    6. looking in mirror

    7. NOISE NOISE NOISE !!! (no, I did not forget mentioning it in third place)

    8. pain, I HATE PAIN second to none

    9. hot sticky AND freezing cold weather 

    10. being harrassed, badgered, baited, bedeviled, beset, bothered, bugged, bullyragged, chivied, deviled, distracted, distressed, dogged, fretted, harried, haunted, heckled, hectored, hounded, inconvenienced, irked, needled, nipped at, persecuted, perturbed, pestered, picked on, plagued, put to it, puzzled, ragged, sore beset, teased, tormented, troubled, vexed, suckerpunched

    Boy, did that feel good Laughing 

  • whaevah
    whaevah Member Posts: 354
    edited August 2012

    10 things to piss me off

    1. Body odor...waiting 2 hrs for an appt I looked around, swearing on whatever pig chose not to shower that day...realized to my horror it was me, freshly showered chemo stank from the cancer boob armpit Surprised (TMI I know, never had BO before cancer)

    2. Body odor...doctors office...not me

    3. Body odor...in the elevator and I can't get out..not me

    4. "You are so strong, if anyone can beat this you can" ...fukc off , my strength, tested many times before didn't ask for a beating

    5. "Can I put you on hold" NO, fukc off, I have better things to do with my time, like poop, sleep , eat and take my meds

    6. "You don't go out as much, not feeling well?" another genius in my midst  Sealed

    7. "What would you like for dinner" really, like I know , just put it in a blender add ice and pass me my meds

    8. "It will be all over before you know it " alrighty then, won't touch that one

    9. FEAR, cancers best friend, need to beat the shite out of that fat bastard

    10. I f'en HATE  cancer, pisses me offYell 

    Have a great day!  Smile

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    Ahhh Ladies what great rants!!!!

    BO ... yup same here ...never had t.. dont know why i have it now

    ppl being insensitive? bloody lucky you didnt give them a..."real" answer. lol

    keep em coming ladies lol 

  • LeahLeah
    LeahLeah Member Posts: 176
    edited August 2012

    Someone told me yesterday, that I needed to relax and not worry so much. He said, because you know worry and stress can feed and allow cancer to take hold and make it worse. Really!?!! Did you really just say that to me!!?? People really need to think before they start flapping their gums......

    Ok just had to get that out......



    Oh, something else I hate, those recordings everyone has when you are on hold...

    "we appreciate your patience and apologize for the inconvenience",

    Well guess what, I have NO patience and I don't accept your lousy, insincere apology!!



    .....stepping down now, feel just a little bit lighter, thanks!

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    Auto responses ... yes! i can relate .. yuck

  • Tazzy
    Tazzy Member Posts: 2,546
    edited August 2012

    Oh my gosh... this is the best ever thread.  Can I join in?  I love to rant?

    I think you have most of my fav rants listed already, here's a couple of mine at the moment:

    1. Being told I look good.  As opposed to what?  I am bald, no brows or lashes, have one boob, 2 drains hanging from me, lost toenails... but I look good - thanks.

    2. Being told "hey at least you dont have to go to work"... like WTF?  Yeah, so much better to have had 6 months of chemo, sliced a boob off but hey I dont have to work.

    3.  You are so strong, and so positive - that will get you through this.  Yeah like I have a fucking choice.

    4.  waiting, waiting, waiting... I hate waiting.

    5.  Being asked 'how are you' and when you tell them the truth that you're pissed off they respond 'really why?'

    6.  So called 'friends' not calling anymore.

    7. Losing concentration - thanks chemo brain.  I love reading, but if I put a book down, I have to go back a chapter to find out how I got there???

    8.   Corporations jumping on the think pink bandwagon - pinkwashing.  Cant wait to see that movie

    9.  Christmas Carols in stores in November or sooner - grrrr !!

    10. No energy

    Well I got on a role then.  I could only think of a couple when I started this post... and there we have 10.  thanks, felt good.

  • CelineFlower
    CelineFlower Member Posts: 875
    edited August 2012

    "8. Corporations jumping on the think pink bandwagon - pinkwashing. Cant wait to see that movie "

    HEAR HEAR!!! 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012

    'I love reading, but if I put a book down, I have to go back a chapter to find out how I got there???"

    Me too, how about starting a book club Lol

    BO, pinching my nose already Yell 

    Caryn, I get sooooo frustrated too, hang up on myself, redial once, two times, three, hit wrong buttons, redial again, message back on, wait, wait, more wait, then I hear the dreaded click THE MACHINE HUNG UP ON ME, wahhhhhhhhh !!! 

  • Tazzy
    Tazzy Member Posts: 2,546
    edited August 2012
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2012
    Tazzy, I meant a 'special needs' book clud Tongue out hum....biuk club, no, sorry, forgot what you call it
  • Tazzy
    Tazzy Member Posts: 2,546
    edited August 2012
    Ruby: Blaming that on chemobrain too... not getting a 'joke'.  Laughing
  • LeahLeah
    LeahLeah Member Posts: 176
    edited August 2012

    Well, I checked out that book club link and it reminded me about The book, A walk in the woods, loved that, gonna read it again. Too funny! So thanks!! =)

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