Holiday stress-but my fault bc "cancer has changed you"
Quicktime line/background: I was diagnosed with early stage ILC BC in the spring of last year. Over the summer had a double mastectomy, no chemo, no rads, and started tamoxifen. Btw May and Nov had 3 surgeries. Also during that same time, my fully finished basement flooded with sewage water and had to be ripped apart. My dog (only 4 years old) was put down due to knee, leg and hip issues. Not to add I have 2 young children (at the time ages 7 and 10) that I was being strong for and helping them through this time since it was stressful for them too. In a nutshell I was going through the toughest time, so far, in my life. And it all happened within 6 months.
Come early Nov, it was decided (not by me, I wasn't even asked) that I was going to host Thanksgiving. Okay no big deal, you are thinking right? Its one holiday-its one day. Let me explain--hosting Thanksgiving means hosting In-law family that comes in from out of town (4 of them) and they stay for 5 days. Hosting means the other in town IL (there are others--the have never hosted anything in 15 years) that they come over every day. What this looks like is approx 20 people in and out of my house for 5 days with very little if any contribution to food, clean up, drinks, etc. Let me also add that in the last 15 years...we have done every single family get together on the IL side, and a majority on my side too.
Add to this, my mom, for some strange reason, who lives 10 min from me and sees my kids at least 1 to 2 days a week, feels that when I host a holiday for the ILs that they should be there too. And I get such a guilt trip if an invite isn't extended to my side of the family which looks like another 10 people ("I don't know where your father and I will be spending the holiday this year--your brother has nowhere to go, you have to invite your sister and BIL, my cousin has nowhere to go...)
It wound up that we had it last year and I *was* very different. I was angry. I wasn't accommodating. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I couldn't believe that they thought this was appropriate to have it at my house--which when I say "they" includes my husband who agreed to have it at my house without asking me. So, I did very little. And I was very clear about what I was and wasn't going to do. I told people I was making the turkey and the stuffing and if they wanted anything else that they would have to bring it. I told them that I wasn't supplying liquor this year and that if they wanted anything to BYOB (it was in the past a drunk fest from Wed-Sunday). I told them that I wasn't purchasing extra groceries, and that they would need to get whatever they wanted from the store up the street. And I told them that I was only making Thanksgiving dinner. All other meals are on their own (I would cook all meals in the past and pay for dinners out or take out, supply all booze, get extra everything for the week like milk, lunchmeat, eggs, bread, snacks, cookies etc etc).
And then...after all of this...at Thanksgiving dinner, I was asked by my neice and BIL if I was going to do the white elephant at Christmas and when were people coming back in. ?!?!?! I lost it. But everyone got the point that I wasn't doing Christmas.
So, here we are with holidays nearing. And I started to tell everyone--both sides of the family that not only will we not be hosting this year, that we will be spending it to ourselves (hubs, kids and I). When asked why, I have made it clear that their participation namely, in the holidays over the years, but especially last year, broke me both financially and emotionally and I really dread the holidays now and thank you.
And this isn't going over well. "We aren't going to see the kids?!?" says my mom. "We only get together a couple times a year, this isn't fair" says the nieces and nephews. And then I get from both sides that my MIL is old and that this makes her happy...my father tells me he doesn't know how many holidays he will have left etc. Strangely, I have told my kids that we would be by ourselves this year and they are good with it.
Suggestions of rotating houses will never happen. The ILs that live out of state are in small apartments and can't accommodate large groups. The ILs that are in state have house issues (I think one is a borderline horder and the other is gets migraines just thinking about having people over). My parents have hosted, but going there is stressful and frankly some of the most horrible meals you can imagine. My brother is a bachelor (again, newly divorced) and my sister's house is being renovated. And those are just the excuses for this year. There are always new ones every year. Going out to dinner doesn't work since you still have to accommodate out of town ILs, who don't have money for a hotel and cry broke. So which it always falls on me and the hubs.
So, why is it that even though I have dug in my heels, stood my ground, took control and am getting exactly what I want, that still feel angry and stressed out? I swear this is near the level of stress that I felt when waiting to hear back from my cancer tests as well as finding out what treatments were appropriate for me. I guess I am just waiting to see this all unravel, bc I know my husband isn't happy with my stance, and I will wind up giving in.
And I have been told to my face "well, cancer certainly did change you", meaning that it has made me bitter and mean. And maybe that is why I am ticked off. Bc their holiday experiences have been ruined by mean, ole, cancer card playing me. WTF?
What can I do?
Comments
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Boo Corinne, what a suck fest. Sorry no advice, seems the parts have been assigned already and it's tough to change people. Good luck.
I once visited an aunt in Germany and she had the family over but served no alcohol. She called it a "vasser pahrty" said in a lilting voice. She knew if she served them alcohol they would stay "forever" so she pulled out the wine for us when they left. Funny lady. Gone now. I'll always remember her water party. (c:
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Corrine,
Simple response to cancer has changed you,, "Why yes it has"! I'm with you WTF
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I think you should stand your ground and get into planning a quiet, private holiday for your own little family. They are the ones you need to focus on. And your mental and physical health.
Answer any questions or complaints or pleadings with the same line "I'm sorry, we are planning a small, quiet holiday this year" with a smile. You are an adult. You don't need to explain your decision to anyone.... -
Oh, love. First of all--with the holidays nearing you say...hon, they are over 4 MONTHS away! Do you see how you are spending half your year stressing over this?! You can only control you and not your family. Hubby, son and I did Christmas alone last year--it was DIVINE. We skyped. We stayed in our jammies ALL DAY. Hubby can bring the kids to visit the ILs a week after Christmas.
Stick to your guns. Don't let them make you sick!
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Gah. It is not up to you to make their holiday a good one. You were not put here to entertain your whole family. The only people you need to worry about are your children and your hubby. But, since your hubby seems to think everyone should come over, I would tell him if he would like to to that fine, but he is in charge of it all. You and the kids are going on a mini vacation and he can cook for them, clean up after them and deal with anything else that comes up as you will not be there. If it all falls on him, maybe he will not be so eager to have them.
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I agree with everyone else, especially Stomynyte. Take your kids on a vacation and let him host them all. Sheesh. You can pick your friends, right? Unbelievable. The reason you're still angry (and you have reason to be), is resentment. I would turn my back on the lot of them and if hubby doesn't like it too bloody bad.
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Corrine - you have EVERY right to do this. I remember while I was in chemo and we were having a family card night and my SIL said "well can we have it at your house because I just don't feel like having it at my house". I was in the middle of chemo - WTF??? People DON'T get it. I found that after surgeries and chemo that I have had to re-evaluate the things I want to spend time and energy on. Quite frankly I am no longer willing to say "yes" to everything to make everyone happy. You have to stick to your guns and look after yourself financially, emotionally and physically. If your family can't understand that, it's a shame. I hope your family will back off and just give you space and allow you to enjoy holidays with your family. You DESERVE that after all you have been through. One thing I have noticed is that people don't "get" what BC does to someone. Yes, we are all different after going through BC. They act like it's all over and you can just go back the way you were....well, it doesn't work that way when you have been diagnosed with an incurable disease. They need to cut you some slack! Hey - we are in Chicago and have no family here...you are always welcome and I will supply the booze!!! Hugs!
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I claimed Christmas day for my little family before all this cancer crap. Awesome day. And I've bailed on hosting and planning things since. Do what you need to do. Hugs.
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not a holiday stress but my brother did call and ask me at around the time of my first post radiation mamo if I could be a stem cell donor to him (he has hodgkins)
I replied...I don't think I would be allowed to do that....he said why?
duh, he stopped talking to me as he clearly did not understand nor had he done his own research, I do feel sorry for him as he does have 3 very bright adult kids
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Oh, Corrine-I have no suggestions. I just want to give you a hug(((((Corrine)))) and say stick to your guns about what you will and won't do. I've had these battles with my husband and (mostly) his family, and even when I've gotten my way, I still felt angry and stressed out. And that was before my cancer diagnosis and treatment!
I'm sorry this is stressing you out almost 4 months ahead of time. Don't give these people that much control over how much you are enjoying your life.
Mary
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Our family is starting to have the same conversations about Thanksgiving and Christmas. My in laws usually come for Thanksgiving but they usually have stayed with my BIL since they have 4 young kids and my MIL felt she was needed more there. My kids are teens and rarely emerge from their rooms. Last month, my BIL got divorced and is now living in a small apartment. My DH already committed our house for Thanksgiving so my in-laws can come and see all of the grand kids. I don't think he realized my exchange surgery will probably be in November. Lucky, my Italian MIL loves to cook so my DH told her I probably won't be up for too much so she will have to cook for everyone. I think he feels bad for not considering my feelings. He is now talking about us and the kids going go Hawaii for Christmas.
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I am so sorry. My only advice is keep your foot down. Calmly express yourself to your DH get him to back you 100%. When people call and question the holidays be vague to them " we were thinking of taking a trip this year... I don't know" Then don't take the trip. Or just be vague in general.
It works for me and over the years especially since having kids and BC (all with in 3 years) they have learned I like my space. We can all visit together but I need an end in site and I will say straight up,we can't afford to do it, sorry.
Good luck and I agree, it is too soon to stress about this if you can help it. Just be unavailable and be like a duck....let it roll right off your back.
I remember when my BIL wanted everyone to drive to his house for Christmas Eve Day (3 1/2 hours away). My son was 2 months old and I just wanted to spend the day at home with my baby and DH and wrap presents and listen to Christmas music and relax. I agreed to the whole thing and then the morning of just kept telling DH how nice it would be to stay home, the food, the calm, the baby...it would make me so happy. I didn't ask him I just daydreamed out loud. He called his brother and cancelled for us. Said the baby hadn't slept well and it was too much.
Just a thought on how to spin things...
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Could you:
1. plan an out-of-town (state/country) trip for your immediate family and then be able to say, "So sorry, but we are out of town for the holidays this year."
2. say you will be glad to make reservations at a restaurant for anyone who wants in, as long as they notify you by whatever date.....some restaurants have private rooms for large parties....make sure they know the cost (and maybe get the money) upfront
3. Do a combination of the above: restaurant for Thanksgiving, go on a family vacation over Christmas
And if somebody tells you that cancer has changed you, look shocked and say, "No Shit?!"
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Corinne - a part of you is angry and stressed out because if you didn't have BC you probably would have hosted this year BUT you did have BC. You are allowed to call the shots of what happens in your house or what your family does regardless of all of this. You are reassessing your life and what you want. We have so many emotions still going through us and we probably will for a long time! Please hold your ground and try to get your DH to understand. It sounds like your kids do. I think you need a quiet holiday season.
Sorry they have said that BC has changed you but it has. It makes us reevaluate our lives and priorities. They are being mean and hurtful because you aren't doing what they want. Too bad - it's about you too and it's your house! And who wants all that family stress in their house? You really need to get your DH to understand this is what you need this year. Maybe you would consider doing it another year but this year you need nice quiet, relaxing one.
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Corinne--if I never heard the word cancer I wouldn't do what u have done. BUT since cancer is involved there's no way I could do it.
Now u are already thinking about it and stressing about it so u know u can no do this this year. No way. U need a nice quiet holiday with u'r family and all help with preparations and relax. And no explanatins are needed to anyone. Talk to u'r DH and tell him u need to relax, u can not take this commotion for the holidays this year and tell him yes cancer has changed u--it's exhausting just thinking about it let alone how u might feel from day to day. U want to conserve what energy u have for him and u'r kids and enjoy them. U'rs is a complicated holiday so it's easy to feel so tired anyway and u certainly don't need that exhaustion and stress and u must stick to u'r decision. U have no choice this year--If it's making u nuts now imagine what it's going to do in November. Just realistically stand back and be strong enough to want a quiet holiday time and wish everyone else a happy holiday too. That's it.
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I have been fortunate over the years to have my parents host holidays because they have a large home they will accomodate us all. Cancer has changed you? mmm.... duh! I love it how people are like "Why are you so bitchy?" "You'll be fine" I am really sick of that crap. No one can understand what it's like to not know what your future is. I mean this is serious sh*t!! I may not live another 5 years and I am supposed to be in a good mood? NOT! I have ups and downs all the time. Spend the upcoming holidays with your hubby and your kids, mayeb go visit some family for a few hours but DO NOT host anything!! Stay strong!! It sounds like it's time for a nice quiet holiday season for you!!!
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Ladies thank you all for the support. I have decided that I am not going to lie about going away (although it did cross my mind). I figured it would be best to be honest (which I thought I was last year when I said that I wasn't hosting Christmas and its someone else's turn to step up after 15 years) and tell them that I am not hosting, now nor do I believe I ever will. And made it clear and I have used this phrase "broke me".
And Ruth--I am going to practice and perfect my "shocked look" and "no shit!!" response to the "wow, cancer has changed you" comments. Love it.
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Corinne, I'm glad you decided to put your foot down. Another thing you can keep saying is that you "can't handle the stress" so maybe the ones who think stress causes cancer will stop bothering you.
Your DH's family is probably trying to make him feel guilty. Also, men very often haven't got a clue about how much work goes into those family gatherings. So that's why he's not as supportive as you need. He'll come around I'm sure.
All the best.
Leah
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I have to give props to my mom though. The pressure that I feel from 1 (my mom) = the pressure from the entire other side of the family.
She's the master of Catholic guilt, not giving in and never breaking down. I should take a page out of her book huh?
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WoW... and so sorry for the stress you went through last year (although I think you handled it very well, telling them they needed to pitch in more) and are putting yourself through now trying to find your voice. It's hard to comprehend that out of all the folks you mentioned, not one seems to be the least bit empathetic to what you've been through, or even appreciative of how much you and your DH have done for them in the past. And the guilt trip some of them have tried to put on you sounds incredibly selfish. If they want to get together so much, they'll come up with another way to do it -- although I suspect removing your generosity in paying for everything will make any alternative less appealing.
Assuming your DH is in agreement, it honestly sounds like you will be better off having these thankless relatives around as little as possible. If you can't stay at home and not feel guilty, then I agree with maybe going somewhere over the holidays. Start a new family tradition -- a ski trip or beach trip -- where you'll be too busy making new memories to sit around worrying about folks who bring you down.
It's nice to be the house everyone wants to go to, but not if they don't appreciate what you're doing and willingly pitching in to make it as work- & stress-free as possible for you. From what you've told us, I think you will feel soooo much better the more you follow your heart, stand your ground, and do what makes you and your immediate family the happiest. Deanna
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Corinne --
Have you thought of telling them all that you have come down with something harmless, disgusting, and contagious, like lice or pinworms?
They seem to be very unconcerned with your welfare. Let's see let them worry about catching something themselves. Better yet, tell them at the last moment, after they've paid for their plane tickets.
If that doesn't work, try typhoid. -
Lake Geneva - Wisconsin Dells - open and great buffets for you, hubby, kids. Room rates are great.
For the holidays and the "bitchy". I was going through chemo/radiation during the holidays last year. During that time, I kept getting told by the inlaws and my family that "next year, you will come to our house" repeatedly. Since we are the out of town family, going "home" for the holidays means packing up a car with hubby, 3 kids, crud, and then driving 3+ and 16+ hours, unpacking at a hotel, and spending a week somewhere. As you can imagine, it is very expensive and to be honest not fun anymore.
Cancer gave me an excuse last year - when the relatives asked the asine question about our attendence (gee, can't you talk to your doctor and get two weeks off from radiation?), they would get the frosty silence. Then, we found out how important we were when it turned 9pm on Thanksgiving and only two relatives bothered to call.
After that, my thoughts are basically this - tell the relatives no. To your mom - Sorry mom, we have plans. Rinse, repeat. To the brother and cousin who doesn't have a place - sorry, we have plans. For the rest of the relatives and their "we won't be able to see you, you can calmly tell them that you are available (dates, time) and they are more than welcome to visit for a day.
To the husband - I would tell him he has two choices. Choice A - he hosts the week while you and the kids enjoy the lazy river water run in Wisconsin. Choice B - He joins you on the lazy river water run in Wisconsin. If he tries to pick something else, then tell him over and over - Choice A or Choice B. Pick one.
After last year, I have no intentions of ever traveling for the holidays again. I am making a choice and yes, cancer made me a bit more bitchy, but when you deal with people who don't respect boundries, then that is what they deserve.
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I have no doubt that cancer has changed me. I've made life decisions, such as the one you're making now ( and good for you ), that have been positive changes. I no longer "just get through it" in situations like you're talking about. I think that cancer has made us realize that life is short.....too short to live it unhappy and stressed.
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What a rotten situation! But, frankly, your in-laws happiness is NOT your responsibility. And, yes, cancer changes you. Makes it harder to put up with insensitive sons-of-guns.
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Everyone is used to you taking care of them and "making" the holidays for them. They take it for granted and people generally hate change. They don't mean to be so selfish - they just are. Loving honesty might be a good approach.
I know you enjoy holidays at our house. I also ejoyed the many years we hosted (except for last year because it's too much for me now). I love you all and feel blessed to have you in my life. I am truly sorry to disappoint you ... but if you really love me you will understand that cancer HAS changed a lot of things. I know you care about me and want me to be happy. Please understand that I need some down time this year. Maybe even for the next few years. I appreciate your good wishes and understanding. I know our family will find another way to enjoy the holidays together if we put our minds to it.
Nice quiet holidays are grand! Stick to your guns for sure, but please be kind to them.
p.s. One christmas my ex's family agreed we wouldn't buy gifts so we could spend the holiday together in a nice house in the mountains. And these were some pretty dysfunctional people - I thank god every day I am divorced. But we had a great time that year. Many families rent a B&B or vacation rental for holiday gatherings - even without cancer!
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coming to this thread a bit late. I haven't checked the new threads in a while.
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First of all if anything is ever at your house again you have the right to set the rules. If people don't like it they can make their own party. They don't have a big enough space, rent one.Cancer changed you… guess what. Life changes us. Next time someone tells you cancer changed you I dare you to say "Life will always change us. Lets be happy with life changes because the alternative to life aint so great!"
Coming from an stubborn, controlling New England family I have learned to say "no". The last time I didn't say no was when my sister came out to "help" me after my BMX. I initially said "no" but my mother kept bugging me. You know how that turned out. This Sept 8, a week after my bmx was the last time I saw or spoke to my sister.
Not standing your ground when in your gut you know you should can have devastating consequences.
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NOTE: In Illinois you can be held liable if someone gets into a car accident while intoxicated and you served them liqueur. BYOB makes everyone responsible for themselves if you can't get the keys away from them.
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NOTE II: Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family considering I grew up about a hour from Plymouth. Used to be at my parents the shifted to my sisters. Of course I didn't go in 2010 (she invited me sort of through email… Like I was going to jump on a plane full of germs 8 days after my 3rd chemo). Last year I got one of those email invites again. She still won't pick up the phone and call. Never asked during chemo or subsequent recon surgeries how I was doing… not even through email.
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Chemo year we celebrated by ourselves. My husband makes a great turkey. Below is a picture of it from that year. Last year we went to my BIL/SIL. They don't do it every year so if we don't get invited I might just work at a soup kitchen.
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