WTF....just want to die.....

It took a month between finding my lump and starting chemo. I was going nuts! I was sobbing hysterically on the phone to the nurse navigator. Especially after what had happened to my Dad. I could also feel the lump growing and they kept trying to tell me it was just swelling from the biopsy. I was right, btw. It was marble-sized when I found it and it was (by clinical exam) 4 x 4.5 cm at first chemo.

So, to my doctor, who sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound, then a biopsy, wait for results, "Yes, it's cancer. You need to see the surgeon." Then, "This is really aggressive (dammit, I told you so!), you need chemo first." Set up an appointment with the oncologist, got signed up for a clinical trial (more aggressive chemo), got a port put in and FINALLY chemo. Whew! How I didn't die of anxiety during that month, I do not know.

I liked doing chemo first, because I could feel the lump getting softer and smaller. It didn't go completely away, and I had a mastectomy (and had the other one off before IT got any bright ideas about trying to kill me, too). My lymph nodes were negative (whew!) and they told me afterwards that with my stats going in, my chances of having positive nodes was about 77% (not sure where they pulled that number from). I feel like I dodged a bullet.

So I do understand how you feel, and it doesn't help when they tell you a month doesn't matter much, because it sure feels like it does! Hang in there, Kimmie, your Mom needs you to be strong for her. I'll pray for you both.

Carolyn

SheChirple - her Mom's cancer is TN, grade 3, stage 3B. That's a serious cancer. I know she needs to calm down, but I also understand why she's so worried. I was TN, grade 3 also.

Kimmie, come over to one of my "home" threads, "Calling All TNs"

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/72/topic/752075?page=526#post_3091779

I know exactly how you feel. My mother was diagnosed in her 40s with breast cancer.  She had a full masectomy and had lymph nodes removed. She went through a tough round of chemo and radiation. It killed me and I was horrified of losing my mother. She won that battle was diagnosed again in 2010. We were called together during the week and my dad fell apart at the table and told us the cancer has returned. I just wanted to punch something and had to go outside and I just screamed.  The cancer metasized (sp?) to bone cancer in her phemar and spots on rib cage. The cancer has also went to her liver and she has two masses. She is stage 4 and she has been fighting for her life every since. She has gotten chemo, tried different pills and the tumors on her liver continue to grow. She hasn't been able to get chemo for four weeks and her doctor sent her to another team to see if there was anything they could do. they said she qualified for a research group but she is not feeling it. She has a hard time breathing because it is pressing on her diaphram. She is a fighter and her mind wants to continue to fight but her body just can't handle it. It is killing me inside as it is you to know we can't fix this. I fix things and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to change this and it kills me that I can't. She is my best friend and I know my time with her is getting shorter. I pray for a miracle but I also can't live in total denial. She is going to be 54 next week and we are getting her brothers/sisters together for a dinner. Every holiday, like today, I pray for another one. My heart is breaking too and I don't know what I will do without her. I keep telling myself she is here now..embrace every moment and i am but my mother does not deserve to be in this pain. I can't be selfish and I respect all decisions she makes but there has to be something. People tell you that they are sorry and I know they are but no one really knows what it is like knowing your parent is sick. I am also afraid of losing myself - I've been going to counseling and it helps. I'm also on medicine for depression and anxiety. We are very Type A individuals and caring and giving but this just blows. The thing is that she went to the doctors many times prior to being diagnosed this second time because of pain etc. and she was told it was old age. Never ran any tests. I blame them for her cancer going this far. If someone has had cancer or lumps before, you test and do whatever you can..not just write it off as old age. My heart goes out to you because I know how you are feeling.  I pray your mother gets the treatment she rightfully deserves and I will say a prayer for her and you as well. do the same for my mother..her name is Grace.

(((Kimmie))) Please keep us posted as to how your mother and YOU are doing.

Thank you for putting her name on your prayer list. I'm glad you got a second opinion for your mom and i pray for her as well. My mom has started to lose weight and she is sleeping alot more.  We are supposed to have a family meeting today. The news is never good but I always wish for a miracle though. It is very hard trying to stay optimistic but I try to so I don't fall apart. I know the news is not good and I could tell when I asked her how her cell count levels were this past Thursday. She kind of went around the question and I know my mom very well to pick up on these things. I talked to my dad this morning and he told me it wasn't good as he had tears in his eyes. I have been through alot but I would go through hell and back again just for my mom to be okay. My counselor had me read a book called 'Death and Dying'. It is a very good book if anyone is trying to understand from a patient's perspective as well as family members. It is more than just a book on the stages of life..it helps with alot of other things as well. The anger, denial, depression, acceptance.. It is horrible knowing that my mom isn't going to be here to watch my daughter grow up and be here physically - that is the reality. However, no matter how much time we have, I can not be selfish. My mom doesn't deserve to be in pain. I wish I could take the pain from her so she wouldn't have to endure it..I love her that much that I would do anything for her. I believe in god and even though I am the little girl that is horrified of losing my mom and best friend..I know I have to be strong for her. She doesn't like talking about the cancer and she has hid alot from us so she would remain in control and protect us. That is who my mom is. She has told me before that she wants me to be a better mom that what she has been and the truth is (as I told her)..I can only hope to be as great as a mother as she has been for me. I don't push my mom to talk about things unless she wants to..I respect her that much. It was very hard because I would always assume the worst. I am alot like my mom - she has a heart of gold but she still continues to teach me every day. Some thing that may help other people understand this if they are going through it is something my counselor told me. He said that I can't intertwine myself around the ones I love most because in the end it will destroy me. You feel others pain and you dwell on it to the point that you would do anything to make it stop and it literally consumes you. There is nothing wrong with caring but if someone needs you, they will ask you or they will give you signs. I mend things and my mind races on how to change a situation but this is one that I can't change. All I can do is be my mom's moral support and be there for my family. god has other plans for her despite the fact that I don't like it I have a greater respect for faith than what I ever did. Please continue to pray for my mom