it's been quite a year
Comments
-
I am sorry. I didn't mean to imply that people were wrong, or not moving on in a timely way or not being kind to ourselves or were somehow mishandling their emotions regarding their BC diagnosis and treatment. I just think that to dwell on statistics, side effects, limitations, how others alienate us, how no one understands, our trauma, our docs, our recstructions, our odds, etc. may not be the best for ME. I have a difficult time with positivity and employing positive thinking. And I have TONS on my plate as a single Mom of three teens that does not involve BC. Nor can I conceive of what my children's lives might be if I should have a recurrence and no longer be here. I NEED to be positive. This was not to criticize others for their desire to be here and obtain support. I have received much support here as well. But I have business to take care of.
Thanks Orangemat for your support. To everyone else, I wish you all the support and love you need. You will find it here on these boards.
-
Four months on from my UMX and ten months on from my original diagnosis, I have come along way but there is still more to be done. Sometimes you think you have it all sorted and then bang you hit a brick wall. My OH and I hit that last Friday - still there is so much that we have not said in fear of just saying those words. We love each other and will get through this but sometimes you can get a curve ball that knocks you clean off your feet. Friday was a hard day for the two of us lots of anger, tears and hurt but from it we have agreed a way forward. I think we all need to be kind to ourselves and to our loved ones as we all move at slightly different speeds through this whole process. There is light at the end of the tunnel it is just that some little sod keeps turning it off and on. Big hugs to you all, together we can get through this.
-
Mybee333 - I never thought you implied any of us were wrong! You are one of the strong women that I admire. You have helped me know there are lots of different paths on this journey. I don't have to worry about being on the right one. You being ready to move on is an inspiration to me! Someday, I hope I will in that spot too.
-
I went to see the rheumatologist today and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I just cannot believe it...there might be a reason for the way I feel. Back to the research board to learn about this new diagnosis.
-
Jittersmom,
Your 'just for a moment' post from (July 9) just made me cry. I am just over a year since my diagnosis and I've had so many of those sweet precious seconds before reality started to creep in.
Some days I'm feeling wholly healed, and then a dark angel taps me on the shoulder as if to say, 'ahem, remember me?' It happens in all sorts of ways. At a yoga class, when I can't stretch to my right. When I throw on my favorite tank top from last year and realize the lack of symmetry, and the permanence of my scars. When my cell phone rings and I see 'private number' and my stomach clenches because all of last year the 'private number' was a call from one of my doctors, and the one who said 'It's worse than we thought'. And the prayers that I don't receive another one of those calls ever again. And that no one I love (or anyone) ever receives another one of those calls. Ever.
Even when I'm with a bunch of my favorite girlfriends and conversation goes towards bad hair days, and some days it's funny, and other days I have a quiet rage, and want to scream 'You have no idea!'. And I don't recognize the new person inside of me, but realize that she (for now) is invisible to everyone else. In their eyes I am 'out of the woods'. This is so, even though I have another surgery coming up in the new year. But mentally, I'm still in the woods, and even though I can see that there is a clearing somewhere out there, I'm still trying to find my way through the tress.
When my doctor first found my tumour, I couldn't think. My doctor took me into her office pointed to a yellow post-it on the bulletin board. On it was written 'It was a very bad year'. It was written by a patient who had just come through her first year, and my doctor kept it as reminder, simplifying what lay I ahead. I remember thinking, once I collected my thoughts, that I was going to try to get through it faster. A year was too long. But it went by so quickly, and apart from the terror, some really lovely things did take place.
Next weekend I'm going to visit some family in Cape Breton. A year ago I was my last visit, and I visited the tiny church where my grandfather used to be a preacher. There was a congregation of only about 30, and I sat there with my partner, and we were the only ones that knew I was awaiting surgery. The minister (an awesome woman who was ordained at 50 after ditching her husband) wished peace to everyone, especially anyone awaiting a diagnosis. It was a profound moment for me, and a beacon in the face of so much uncertainty. And I feel that going back is another big step in me moving on.
Thank you to whomever posted Jeff's blog. He very elegantly said so many of the things I've been thinking, as have many of the women on this forum. I competely agree with Orangemat's original posting that there's 'something different', and not knowing really how to get past that. It's all very complicated, but nice to know that we're not alone.
Janet
-
There definitely is "something different" after BC but I'm not sure any of us can get past it so much as accept it- this new version of ourselves and life in general. Some days the acceptance comes easy and others I feel like throwing myself to the ground in a full blown hissie fit. Most days fall somewhere in between. I think we're always going to have reminders (our cancerversary, driving past the hospital where you had your surgery, every time you hear of someone getting dx with BC, every time you hear the word BC.....) but I do feel each reminder hurts just a tiny bit less and doesn't seem to suck the wind out of my sails as much. (But it still SUCKS!) I remember reading that it takes about 2 years from dx for most cancer patients to heal emotionally. At the time I was months from that deadline and it reassured me. Now, being past that point, I was feeling pressure from within to be "healed". Thanks to everyone on here I have come to accept we all get to a point of feeling that life can move forward more normally at different speeds. I'll get there eventually. I'm just taking the more scenic route.
-
Janet M - thanks for expressing so many things I feel. Tomorrow is my last day of Rads...it is a very weird feeling. Everyone else wants to celebrate, and I feel like crying. But sometimes I want to celebrate. Who knows? And some days I want to literally punch people for their insensitivities to me, but then I tell myself that they have absolutely no idea.
Thanks for helping me...I loved the story about the Church in Cape Breton. God reaching out when there felt like nothing.
-
I found a study from 2004 where they actually did research about moving beyond cancer and used BC patients. Interesting how they found things that worked but didn't seem to implement them. The funny thing was they called it "re-entry". Makes me feel like an astronaut.
Outcomes from the Moving Beyond Cancer psychoeducational, randomized, controlled trial with breast cancer patients.Stanton AL, Ganz PA, Kwan L, Meyerowitz BE, Bower JE, Krupnick JL, Rowland JH, Leedham B, Belin TR.SourceDivision of Cancer Prevention and Control Research, Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center at University of California, Los Angeles, USA. astanton@ucla.eduAbstractPURPOSE:Evidence suggests that the re-entry phase (ie, early period after medical treatment completion) presents distinct challenges for cancer patients. To facilitate the transition to recovery, we conducted the Moving Beyond Cancer (MBC) trial, a multisite, randomized, controlled trial of psychoeducational interventions for breast cancer patients.METHODS:Breast cancer patients were registered within 6 weeks after surgery. After medical treatment, they completed baseline measures and were randomly assigned to standard National Cancer Institute print material (CTL); standard print material and peer-modeling videotape (VID); or standard print material, videotape, two sessions with a trained cancer educator, and informational workbook (EDU). Two primary end points were examined: energy/fatigue and cancer-specific distress. Secondary end points were depressive symptoms and post-traumatic growth. Perceived preparedness for re-entry was analyzed as a moderator of effects.RESULTS:Of 558 women randomly assigned to treatment, 418 completed the 6-month assessment and 399 completed the 12-month assessment. In analyses controlling for study site and baseline depressive symptoms, VID produced significant improvement in energy/fatigue at 6 months relative to CTL, particularly among women who felt less prepared for re-entry at baseline. No significant main effect of the interventions emerged on cancer-specific distress, but EDU prompted greater reduction in this outcome relative to CTL at 6 months for patients who felt more prepared for re-entry. Between-group differences in the primary outcomes were not significant at 12 months, and no significant effects emerged on the secondary end points.CONCLUSION:A peer-modeling videotape can accelerate the recovery of energy during the re-entry phase in women treated for breast cancer, particularly among those who feel less prepared for re-entry. -
Such heartfelt profound thoughts, and I thank you. I am Me...but I am not me. I was interested in how long it takes for emotional healing, I was feeing pretty good after my first mastectomy around 20 months, then it all began again with the remaining breast, so I feel like instead of a year, we are now into year-3.
maybe this will be the year I will learn to feel pretty again, relax and calm about being so traumatized, forget about all the "facts" I had to learn, and in the meantime I am so glad to have all of you.
-
Wonderful words from so many! Thank you. I'm going to picture myself as an astronaut getting ready for re-entry!
-
Well yesterday was a year since I got on the breast cancer roller coaster, and it was also my 31st wedding anniversary yes I found out on my 30th wedding anniversary I had cancer. This year I made sure I had a great day and tried to forget for a while anyway about the last year, a day of retail therapy, dinner and a night out with good friends. It felt great!
-
Good for you Mstrouble!! It is quite the effort but I too am trying to forget the bad and remember the good, and to celebrate myself for all I have been though.
Congrats on moving through your first year. my goodness, I just read all the things you have done, indeed, what a year.
-
mstrouble- Happy Anniversary and congratulations on moving past your cancerversary. It sounds like you had a wonderful day!
-
I had a busy weekend attending my 31st high school reunion and reconnecting with many friends I have not seen in a long time. I had so much fun! It really struck me that I did not even get on the computer at all for 4 days and barely gave breast cancer a thought. A year ago I would never have believed it was possible! It gives me great hope for the future...
-
I'm so glad for you Ginger. Distractions and just plain fun, are great!!
(I know that sometimes I feel better too, just by pulling away from the computer, sometimes in a way I don't quite understand).
-
On a side note: Went swimming at the local pool yesterday. It was weird getting into a bathing suit and swimming for the first time in two years - had my MX last summer. I checked a few times to see if my scar showed and of course it didn't. My pec muscles are definitely weaker, and I had trouble just hanging out on the side of the pool wall, arms draped over the sides. Those muscles are definitely in need of some stretches and strengthening; I don't swim the same. Makes me want to go back soon. Miss my old body but glad to have what I have; what an ordeal this has been and I think I had it relatively easy..................
-
Thanks mybee- just noticed the similarities in our dates. I was diagnosed 4/5/11 and had BMX on 6/22/11.
-
Mybee, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I am going to the ocean in a few weeks and I can't imagine what this will be like for me. I have not been in a water situation for 3 years now...and now I have no breasts.
I miss my owl body too, but I am also coming full circle to realize how fantastic this body of mine did through the surgeries, tests and emotional stress. it held up pretty good. Now I have to do good by it (my body) to eat better and exercise.
Oh, I would never say you had things "relatively easy"...it is breast cancer, no matter what, you have had more than your fair share of worry, emotion and treatment. Oh, by the way, I say to myself every day now "Learn to dance in the rain".
-
I got my signature from a good friend of mine who has seen her fair share of 'rain'.
It's funny, I didn't think about any of it, being in the suit or swimming until I was there And I didn't anticipate the changes in swimming until I was actually swimming! I have always enjoyed swimming. Never occurred to me that it would change! Please excuse my ignorance but do you have a swimsuit with a prosthesis or something? Or are you just going as is? Do you have a plan? I want you to have a good time........
I like your middle paragraph. I think respecting our bodies is a nice idea.
-
Kate just had! To comment I love love love your signature :-)
-
Ginger - yes. I noticed the similarity in dates too, a little while ago. BC happens to frequently I'm afraid.
-
I do have a bathing suit, it is just cut a little full in the breast area and I think it will be fine to go flat. I try not to worry about this, but we are meeting up with 4 friends from overseas so...I do worry about this!
-
Just when I thought I was moving forward-
I've been having pain and doctor sent me for a bone scan. I got the results today and they said there was an "uptake on my sternum which can possibly mean infection, fracture or tumor. They are now sending me for a cat scan. Even if it turns out to be nothing I think I've finally realized how much BC has changed me. Gone are the innocent days of telling yourself it will be nothing and honestly and truly believing it. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop keep saying it (over and over a hundred times a day) but I think it hit me that life will never be the same as it was before.
-
Kate, yeah, I get it, too many docs in my life and I actually have reason to see them for more than a flu shot! having some balance issues myself and scared to do an eye guy as maybe it is something?
good luck with the scan and they do end up nothing at times....I just survived a biopsy that turned out to be B9
-
Kate, I am sorry to hear you are having another worrying time, no matter what the end result the waiting and worry is almost the worst part of it. I have a feeling we will always have a heightened awareness of how fragile and out of our control our bodies are. Best wishes.
-
Kate - I am wishing you all the best on your test results. I looked at your diagnosis. It is unlikely that it has travelled; I truly believe that. When do you think your cat scan will be? No - you are right. Life will never be quite the same, but I know for many, it does move on and move forward. There is always a heightened awareness. Life has changed it is true and it is just so recent for most of us here on these boards.
-
Kate, I understand. Life experiences change us and we travel down a bit of a different road into the future. As Mybee said, it is highly unlikely you have cancer again, but I realize a fracture or bone infection are all very unpleasant things to deal with, and happen all because of cancer.
Maybe a year is not long enough to move away from something like this, maybe this is part of being a "survivor". Like that saying "The storm has rocked us, but we know how to set a strong sail".
Please let us know and I am wishing the best for you. We all know how awful-hard the waiting is.
-
Oh Kate...I am sorry you are dealing with this. This experience does change us in profound ways. And Suzyblue is right...the waiting and worrying is the worst of it and we are left to realize how little control we have over things. None of us will ever be the same again, but remember that you are strong and have been through a lot. Please let us know how the CT scan goes. Good luck with it. I will be praying for good results.
Proudtospin...congrats on the B9 biopsy. That is great news. I understand the reluctance to go to another doctor for the eye issue. Hope it is easily managed. It looks like you are more than 4 years out...wow! I feel like that is a long way off for me as I was diagnosed one year ago. The title of this thread says it all...it's been quite a year!
-
Kate- sending hugs your way and hope that you get the test and good results quickly!
-
I just had a visit to my onco this week, we discussed my most recent mamo that should bunch of junk which the surgeon biopsied and then said all B9
well my onco is easier to talk to then the surgeon and is good explaining. I pointed out that the surgeon chose to biopsy one spot and there were more than one thing pointed out on the mamo
onco was so nice and explained that it was likely fat necrosis....yummmm, common and appears after about 3 to 4 years as new calcifications. They need to be biopsied but not generally an issue. New thing I learned!
so yeah, life is not the same as things that were nothing before are not on the ooppss what is that list.
deep breath, we have sim diagnosis and hopefully neither one of us has a reoccurence. Hoping yours is just a precaution as my thing was
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team