To stay or leave my husband?

Have you talked to him about this? Sometimes getting the communication going is the hardest part. As much as we wish it was different men and women simply do not think the same way. I wouldnt excuse his behavior either but if he doesnt know there is a problem he cant fix it. I went through a similar experience a while back and it took a few family counseling sessions to get the talks going. The relationship doesnt have to be perfect but it does need to be fulfilling on at least some level or you really are just wasting time in order to stay somewhat comfortable. I also dont believe that there is any bed that cant be unmade. Im sorry youre having to go through this. Best of luck to you.



PS...I dont think you have crazy brain. Sometimes it just takes a major life crisis to bring problems to the surface. But many problems can be solved it both parties are willing to work.

gibbler

I dont know if you have children together but am assuming you do not.



Part of the problem with my husband was our different fighting styles. He likes to just hash things out which inevitably leads to lots of yelling and name calling on my part. Not proud of this but it is what it is. I prefer to just go chill for a while so I can fet my thoughts together and avoid sayinfg regretable things. I am much more articulate when not in the heat of the moment. No matter how many times I told him this he just kept ignoring it.

I was sooooo against counseling. I admit I am the non communicatoe in our relationship. But after counseling he FINALLY paid attention to the fact that I needed my fightinf space and it helped trememdously. I dont think Ive called him a stupid a**hole in years. lol

Ther were other ways it helped too but I think that was the biggest for me. I ws seriously ready to just throw in th towel on the whole thing but we have three kisds together...one wih special needs which ws my personal major life crisis and probably his too so went along with the whole counseling thing.

Things are not perfect now but we are a team and re determined to stick it out together. Sometimes just or the kids...sometimes just for ourselves...and often times for each other. If you are both willing to make the effort it can all work out. You just have to figure out if it is worth the effort. Only you can answer that for yourself.

learnin is right. Lost expectations can be devastating. It is possible that this is part of what you are both going through. Life may not be what you both expected it to be. But if you can find a way to support each other through that mourning process you can grow from this and possibly find even more fulfillment in your relationship.

If the relationship is not working then it is not just you. As they say it takes two to tango. Go together to counseling if he is wiling. You may find that he is just not able to take any responsibility for the problems you two are having. Its very strange how just having an impartial third party can shed light on issues you arent even aware of. And maybe it will make him realize that he does have some ownership in the problems. It may also make you both feel that uou are validated in your individual feelings.

I think counseling probably makes everone uncomfortable. But ten years is a lot to lose without at least trying. If you go be as honest as you can. Make your feelings known but make sure you really listen to and try to understand his feelings too. Hopefully he will do the same.

The reason you should go together to counseling is that you don't want any subtle subconscious perception that the counsellor is on "your side" or "his side". It should be a counsellor fresh for both of you.



My husband and I have seen counsellors periodically over the years. We look at it as a normal thing - helpful for any couple - like regular car maintenance.



And like car maintenance, better to go when you just hear a funny squeak, rather than waiting until the car is crashed and crumpled at the bottom of a ravine.



Keep us posted!

I would personally value a man more who was "supportive in some areas (coming to appointments, listening to my BS, etc...)" than one who celebrated my birthday or anniverary!  But that's just me - we aill are different in what makes us tick

That said, I think what everyone else said is right on target!  Good luck in getting through treatment and making this very  important decision!

I think it must be common for couples to split after a dx of bc. or any cancer.  Its stressful, and each person is going thru their own experience.  My husband and i were having issues before my dx, and now it hasnt gotten better.  We are back in counseling, and communication is the main issue.  Im the one who has problems with it, he is a talker, tho with cancer, he has not wanted to burden me with what he is going thru.  The result - me feeling like I am completely alone in this journey.  

If you think your relationship is worth saving.......Id consider going to counseling.  Talk to friends, get a recommendation from someone you trust.  Thats how i found my therapist - from a friend, who is a therapist.