it's been quite a year
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Had to add that I also went bathng suit shoppng this week. Two days, two department stores. I was two weeks out from my last surgery. The microfatgrafting and work on both breasts have left dots of bruising in many places and lots of sore muscles all around my breasts and abdomen. Many scars too. But I am going away to a Tournament that my son is playing in this weekend and want to swim in the pool with him. I also needed new, less painful supportive bras and some flexees type shapewear for support. Trying suits on was painful and difficult and I did cry. But I did better the second day, decided not to look in the mirror so much until the suit was on and to tell myself - This too shall pass. It's just the new reality. I tried to buck up. I don't like that I've gained so much weight either but hey - I didn't ask for this. It's my life and it's a good one. Okay.....a little tearing up is okay, I guess.
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I just read the article you provided the link to and found it interesting. I'm still feeling unsettled however, despite knowing the reasons why, on an intellectual basis. Perhaps this will pass in time...........i did enjoy your entries too. You have been quite brave, it appears, probably much more than you know.
Peace.
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Thank you for your kind words about my Blog. When I wrote about the destruction BC leaves behind, a couple of dear friends who try to "get it" called and said we wish we could get it but we don't. I appreciated their honesty. I am grateful for sharing with my BC Sisters who do get it!!
Kate33 - so glad you commented on "When Friends Disappear During BC" thank you! That article really did help me understand it more but it doesn't take away some of the anger at friends who disappeared. Still working on that one!
Mybee333 - yes, I am like you as I just said. I'm still working on it. I hate that now that I am almost done with Rads people start crawling out of the woodwork. Where were they when I needed them through Chemo? I get so angry and resentful. I'm working on this too. I posted a new pic of me on Facebook yesterday. My wig looked good and I put on makeup. I posted it cuz I did look good. All these people I had not heard from started telling me how great I look. Well, ya, cuz they had written me off and didn't want to deal with a dying person. That is how it makes me feel...
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Sometimes we just need to move on from those people. I am finding new friendships that fit my life now and who I am now. At least I am trying to develop new friendships and moving in that direction...............
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Denise- I had to sort out those I wanted to forgive for going AWOL and those I didn't. I realized the ones I didn't should have been jettisoned a long time ago for one reason or another. I will never say anything good came of BC but it did give me either the strength or wisdom to cut out some toxic people in my life.
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That's always a good thing!!
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I just wanted to add since I have been through breast cancer myself, I fully realize how import it is for *me* to now be present for my friends and family. I have always sent a card or phoned when someone is ill...but honestly when the "illness" went into months or years, I too am guilty for not being there for them. I myself did not understand how "long term" cancer could be.
So I take the very best of what was done for me, and move forward to begin to give back to others. I have to say the act of giving back is healing for me.
This is probably famous but i don't know the author, and it was just shared with me yesterday by a woman who saw me through my cancer.
"What you give, you keep.
What you keep, you lose".
Pretty profound, and as much as i am still needy, time for me to drive someone to treatments, or send a card a week, or "give".
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I'm so pleased to see how this thread has evolved and progressed from my first couple lonely thoughts and words a couple months ago. Oddly enough, once I had shared what was on my mind at the time, I found it really wasn't troubling me so much anymore... but I'm so happy to come here and read the ongoing discussions. We discuss and we rehash, yet we are indeed moving on.
I had a long run of almost two hours and twenty minutes this past Friday, with no company and no ipod, which gave me lots of time to just be with myself. A very distinct realization became apparent to me during those 15 miles: I'm not resentful of my diagnosis. Oh and also, that probably many women are. But I'm not. Kinda shocked me to realize that, ya know? But that's how it is right now. Life is good.
Hugs to all! xoxo
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I know this is a "Moving On" thread but I'm heading for my one year visit with my MO on Wednesday and I feel stuck and need your help. Usually, I can come up with a great list of questions for each doctor's appointment but, truthfully, I don't want to go and can't think of anything to ask other than whether or not I should start taking all my Tamoxifen (20 mg) at once or need to continue taking 10 mg morning and evening. I've also got a bump on my shoulder that I'm worried about so that will be my first question. What questions did you ask at your 1 year visit that I should put on my list?
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Jitters mom, beautiful description of what I know so many of us are experiencing.
DeniseG, I agree that the end of treatment is not the end of the problem. Still so many fears and worries, along with a heightened awareness of any deviation from the norm that my body experiences. I need lots more time and distance before I can start to feel this isn't a constant part of me. Sigh.
But...it gets a little better and a little easier every day, and that is what I am holding on to. My faith, my wonderful husband, and my 3 great kids are with me the whole way. Onward and upward! -
Well to add to this most wonderful BC experience and recovery..I had to have an emergency appendectomy! ugh! I had such pain and went to my GYn because i think in terms of side effects from all the cancer drugs, and she sent me right to emergency! Had a CT and off to surgery at midnight.So here i am once again in a recovery mode, just when I was getting somewhat normal after all the BC stuff! Life goes on right lol!
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Oh Jittersmom, I am so sorry! Heal well and fast....my thoughts are with you.
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Golden- Sorry no one responded to your question. Hope your appointment went well and you were able to get any concerns addressed.
Jittersmom- So sorry about your emergency surgery! I know it must feel like a step backwards in healing. Hope the recovery is quick and you're moving forward once again. (((hugs!)))
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Golden I went to the onc every three months and hounded him with questions...I mainly asked him what he was looking at in my bloodwork that would indicate a problem, talked about what levels to be concerned and compared my levels since diagnosis. It put me at ease to better understand what he was looking for specifically. Also asked why he never orders scans and he explained that as well and discussed what the plan was if after Tamoxifen I am still not in menopause.
Are you on T twice a day due to side effects or were you just easing into it. I haven't had any side effects of T and sometimes worry its not working...that was another question.
Good luck with your appointment. Feel free to PM anytime if you have a specific question.
Diane
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I wanted to share: I think I'm starting to move on some. I forget to check here much, don't look for new threads, read but respond much less. I find BC on my mind so much less. I am happy with my reconstruction. These are all good things. It has been quite a year but ....I think life goes on and that is good. At least goes on in it's way, unpredictable as it is. I value life, my kids, still need a nipple procedure but all in all, I do sense a moving on. So happy and grateful that BCO was here for me all along............
I will miss you ladies but feel some of them moving on as well......from my July mastectomy group 2011, very few are left indeed.
As always,
Peace.
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Came up with a good list of questions before my appoinment even though I wasn't sure I had any this time around! Biggest one was about the pain and bump on my shoulder. The MO ordered an x-ray and had the results within a day as "unremarkable". Will see my orthopedic specialist if the pain doesn't get better. It came on suddenly so maybe I injured it and didn't realize it. My MO has a very set order of things he seems to review every visist and most of my questions get answered by the time he's done. I've learned to get through all of his questions and then go on to mine. He always starts with reviewing the bloodwork results.
I'm on 10 mg Tamoxifen two times a day because my MO thinks there may be less side effects initially. He said it was fine to go ahead and take 20 mg once a day and we'll switch the prescription at my next visit if I want. I have taken it all at once a time or two, I think the hot flashes might be a little worse but probably haven't done it long enough to know for sure. My MO indicated he doesn't believe there's any difference in therapeutic effect either way. Of course, I was hoping the bigger dose once a day would be even better for me.
The only question he really didn't answer was about me needing more sleep on the Tamoxifen. When I first started Tamoxifen, I had bad insomnia. I'd fall asleep only to wake up and not be able to get back to sleep a few hours later. Then I was off the medicine for a few weeks around the time of my TE exchange. Now, I can sleep 10-12 hours a night and would every night if I could. If I shut off my alarm, I often oversleep by another hour or more. He had several questions (am I fatigued or sleepy and do I think I'm depressed) but really offered no advice on what to do. I'm not sure he agreed with my judgement that it is from the Tamoxifen. For now, I'm just going to try to sleep more! Any suggestions will be welcome!!
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Golden- even though the exchange surgery is easier; it is still an assault on your body. Maybe your body needs more sleep as it recovers from another anesthesia? I would take your cues from your body and sleep more if you can.
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Ginger48-Good advice and that's what I told the MO I planned to do when he didn't seem to have any other advice to offer. My TE exchange was in January though and Nipple reconstruction in the middle of May so I am thinking I'm far enough out that I can't use surgery as a reason any more. It's been a stressful time as my husband retired on disability and we've had a lot to do with all the paperwork for disability applications, etc. Sleep is good and I'm just enjoying it. I'm walking 12-15 miles per week and working full-time so I think I'm working pretty hard at finding my "new normal". Maybe more sleep is part of that! I had a terrific 3 hour nap of really sound sleep yesterday too.
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Golden- sounds like you are doing all you can. Exercising and working full time takes lots of determination My docs were blaming my fatigue on surgeries also and I was 4 months past my last surgery when we discovered I have sleep apnea. Explained why I was exhausted even after sleeping all night.
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Hmmm . . . I wonder if the MO was trying to figure out if I needed to be tested for sleep apnea with questions about me being fatigued or sleepy. I actually am not particularly fatigued and my energy level is pretty good. It's just once I go to sleep, I can sleep a good long time! It's better than those long nights awake when I first started Tamoxifen. Good thing to check on if I don't get rested up. Thanks for letting me know about your experiences.
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Good for you, mybee. So glad to hear things are moving forward for you. Peace to you too.
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I'll still be here but.......sense you moving on too. And that is I think overall, healthy. Life is for living.
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MyBee, I wish you the very very best, it was good for me to share this part of our journey together.
I am not "moving on" because I don't see it this way. I have had other life altering situations happen in my family, and it takes much grace to realize my
"playing cards" are now different, and I will move into the directions I now need. For me, it is not a moving on, but an acceptance that I got cancer and lost my breasts. Life is different, i cannot be who i was 2 years ago. Most days i am fine, some days I need help, so i stay.This is ok too, because I am finding a wonderful quality of life after cancer, one where I laugh, live and love. So maybe I see "moving on" not as leaving here, but as embracing the new me and learning to love her.
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Take what you need.... leave what you don't....
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crystalphm - Loved your words. I've felt bad because I don't seem ready to "move on" as many seem to expect me to do. Everyone's posts here help me kow there are lots of ways to do this. I appreciate all the strong women here that offer me hope as I navigate the path ahead.
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Golden, I am glad you posted, I felt the same feeling, like what is wrong with me because I am not "moving on". But the bottom line is we all have different paths.
I cope by reading the posts here.
You are so right, the amazing strength found here on these boards is life-altering. Just today I had the experience in my yoga class of beginning to work laying on my stomach. I have not been on my stomach for over 2 years now, it was exhausting just to lay still on a floor!
So I came home and back to these topics where others understand.
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There is nothing "wrong" with any of us. That's the point here, I think. We've had bad stuff happen to us, but that doesn't make US be the ones who are wrong or bad. And there's absolutely NOTHING wrong having to repeat that truth over and over to ourselves, here in this thread, or elsewhere in this forum. Coming from the point of view of being a yoga teacher, that's how I see what a yoga practice is: the repetition of the study of these sorts of truths.
I also think the natural and human response is to keep expecting all this to eventually "go away" already, and pretty much of its own accord. I mean, we all woke up one day and poof, there was cancer; we didn't have to work for a long time with effort to have it happen. So why should we have to work for a long and with effort to have it go away?! It's not fair, right? And especially now that our bodies are rid of it, why are we still struggling in other ways?? "Enough already!", that's what my gut wants. But no, it takes consistent and concerted effort, as well as a positive state of mind, to overcome the emotional and psychological impacts of having had breast cancer. Resenting that I have to work on my positivity every single day of my life isn't going to make me feel any happier, nor more positive about things. We need to put the energy where it WILL do the work for us. And so coming here to talk and talk and talk more, that's totally fine. In fact, that's exactly what we're supposed to do.
And now you all know why I don't teach yoga anymore, because I just go on and on with my longwinded explanations... heh...
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I think we all have enough to worry about in our lives, with or without ongoing cancer issues, so we should be kind to ourselves when it comes to requiring support from each other here. This is just something I need to help me recover, simple. If I could get the same level of understanding, humour and warmth from those around me it would be wonderful, but try as they might they can't reach the same level of empathy as the women here who are walking the same rocky path.
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For me, there is no going back and no moving on. I am a person who needs people who understand the trauma that I have been through. It is no different than joining a VFW post. Those soldiers that have been in a war will always have that bond - the other soldiers understand even when they are 90 years old. There is that common bond that never goes away.
We have been in a war. No one can possibly understand unless they have been there. Thanks to all of you who understand.
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crystalphm........Back to the topics where others understand! That sums it up for me In my "other world people see me at a point that i should be getting better, stronger,etc. and when i am not i feel inferior, but when I come on here and read what others are going through and its the same I know I am not alone...It helps!
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