I didn't ask for much in life....

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Torridon
Torridon Member Posts: 89
edited June 2014 in Stage I Breast Cancer

Was washing dishes today and thinking... thinking about cancer- it is all i seem to do. I got really really sad and emotional about being diagnosed with cancer at 37. This just was not supposed to happen. I still can't quite believe or accept that my only chance at life  (ie my life right now) has been destroyed with a cancer diagnosis. I see other mums out with their kids, laughing and enjoying life without worrying if they are going to be here next year, or if each ache and pain is cancer spread. I just absolutely cannot believe this is happening to me- even 6 months faater diganosis, mastectomy and almost finished chemo. I just feel  as if i am living my life in a glass box of fear, loss , sadness, anxiety, guilt. I can see life going on about me and outwardly I look as if I am getting on with treatment, but i am so so sad. Sad for my boy of 3 whose mum is a distracted, detached, bald , bloated, self and cancer obsessed lost little girl, rather than the healthy jokey attentive mum I was. I feel as if he has lost his mum already. I am jsut so sad x  

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited July 2012

    Torridon, you have the RIGHT to be sad!!! You area still in active treatment and may actually feel worse once it stops. While you are doing something about your fear of recurrence you are 'in control', but once it's over, you may feel thrown to the winds. My humble opinion is that you ask your doctor for some help. You got help for your cancer, now get help to get through this (notice I did NOT say "over" this!). I am 3 1/2 years out and still in fear of a recurrence!! If I knew that I'd still be looking over my shoulder this far out I would have asked for help sooner. We have the pharmacology to help you ease back into the horrible reality that you have to face right now. It's more than most of us can bear. A lot of us cry in the car or the shower - alone. It may seem pitiable, but it's a good venue for tears. 

    You express yourself very well, your doctor should be able to address your concerns....either medication or group/solo support. As far as medication, you don't want to be numb (maybe you do!) but it can take a couple of tries and many weeks to find the perfect drug to take the edge off your fears and allow you to grasp the joy of your little boy. Let's get you out of that box.

    Hugs, sweetie! 

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited July 2012

    Hugs! I felt like you do and my fear of recurrence is not gone but it is not what I think about every minute of the day anymore. My son was only 4 when I was diagnosed and having a young child made this even harder to digest. I am trying to do everything I can to be healthy...eat right, exercise, reduce stress, etc. I am trying to slowly put this BC thing behind me as best as I can. It will get better in time. I have also been on effexor and that has helped me deal with things better for sure. Just know most of us have been there. What you are feeling is normal. Six months is not a long time to deal with all that BC brings. Take it one day at a time. Try to see the joy in the time you spend with your son. Have faith and know you are not alone. Hugs!

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  • leggo
    leggo Member Posts: 3,293
    edited July 2012

    Oh Sweetie....when I read this everything just came flooding back. All I wanted to be was a mom too. I was diagnosed when my son was born. I'm so sorry. I know those feelings all too well....the jelousy of other moms, the fear, the anger. Almost unbearable at times. Please believe me, once the chemo is over it will be easier to move on. Please try to leave it all in the rear-view mirror. I spent way to much time letting cancer drag me down. Don't let the same happen to you. Leave it all behind and enjoy that little guy and be grateful for every single moment you have together.

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  • Elizabeth1889
    Elizabeth1889 Member Posts: 1,036
    edited July 2012

    Torridon, Sending hugs to you. We all worry about a recurrence, but the fear does lessen with time. I talked to my PCP and she prescribed meds to get me through the roughest patches. Also, my RO suggested that I join a support group and that helped me so much. For one hour every two weeks, I can just be myself and express my fears and try to help someone else along the way. Also, I have formed new friendships through the support group. Hang in there. Time does heal. We are always here for you.

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  • New-girl
    New-girl Member Posts: 358
    edited July 2012

    Torriodon...I hope you find strength and peace talking with everyone on this site. I was four months into treatment when I just felt so sad.  I have never had much patience with depressed people .  I always have tried to put things into perspective and find joy in all things.  Cancer completely threw that out the window.  I worried about my 13 year old all the time.  Worried that my depression would scar her forever.  I absolutely had rage towards my ob/gyn who blew me off a year ago when I went in with a inverted nipple.  I felt lonely and abandoned by my husband who couldn't handle my range of emotions.  I found this site and started finding strength in women who were traveling this road with me.  I got into a great support group that let me vent without judging me.  I got a prescription for Valium in case I started crashing into despair.  I only have had to take it once in two months but I like knowing it is there.  I have started to regain my joy for living.  Seeing the positives that have come from all of this.  YES there are some positives from this nightmare.  Start focusing on the good things that are in your life.  But don't beat yourself up when you cannot be strong.  Many hugs.

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  • mamglam
    mamglam Member Posts: 178
    edited July 2012

    Torridon,

    I too, feel the anxiety that you are feeling.  I have completed my treatment and have had some side effects of rads that I am now dealing with.  I too, feel weepy, sad and have fear of recurrence on a daily basis. The support from this site does help.

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  • peggy_j
    peggy_j Member Posts: 1,700
    edited July 2012

    It gets better. I know it seems hard to believe, but it does. (i'm one year post-Tx, 17 months post-Dx)

    In my case, I had a whole second wave of emotional feelings after Tx was done. It takes time to work things out emotionally. There are some ways to help. I talked to a BC counselor (just twice, but what a life saver). I went to Guided Imagery a couple times a month or sometimes weekly. They were all cancer patients, so I felt like I was surrounded by my tribe.   I could say anything and not freak people out cuz they completely understood.  Be gentle with yourself now.  You've been through a lot and it takes time to "process" everything. I used to think about BC all the time (I started to get sick of it. I felt like I was radio station KNCR, "all cancer, all the time") but now I may not think about it for days at a time.  A year ago I never would have believe this.  Really. Good luck!

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  • bluepearl
    bluepearl Member Posts: 961
    edited July 2012

    Torridon: your breast cancer has favorable characteristics and believe it or not, a 3cm lobular cancer is small compared to what they normally are. It is normal to feel the way you do; it is a kind of post traumatic stress disorder so don't suffer too long as there are LOW dose meds that can help you through the worst of it and then you can go off them and start resuming your life. NONE of us, with or without cancer, is guaranteed tomorrow, so ALL of us, with or without cancer, should live each day as fully as possible. It will get better for you. Cancer is a terrible disease that tries to steal your happiness by making you afraid all the time. Facing one's own mortality is an existential crisis that we all have to work through, more difficult being 37 than older people, but a friend's daughter died at 23 from breast cancer and she said about her treatments "well, let's get the show on the road!".....I have always been inspired by this young woman's courage and sometimes it helped me in my darkest moments to think about how many years I have been graced with. I know it seems you are alone in this, but you are not. Please find others...it REALLY helps and it is not good to be doing this alone either. It takes about a year to actually come out the other side. I took citalopram at a low dose (10mg/day) and those negative thoughts would burst like bubbles and float away, disappear. So does the worry. If you can do that by yourself, well, I would be extremely impressed....I couldn't...I had a nervous breakdown and the only way I finally got help. (((((HUGS))))) (ps...nothing wrong with crying either but it works better in someone's arms)

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  • Torridon
    Torridon Member Posts: 89
    edited August 2012

    Thanks for your support. I lost a close to friend to BC in 2003 aged 29. She was 27 when she was diagnosed. I thought about her all the time. Before I was hit with BC i used to go out running and would be so grateful for being able to do just that- run and see and smell and be alive and felt so bad for her becuause her life was snatched away at such a young age. My sister's friend also died of BC aged 33 in 1998. She left a 7 year old girl. I really thought BC had  touched me and moved on. I could not believe what they were telling me the day I was diagnosed in Jan this year. Even having just finished chemo, i still can't. I think the reason I have taken it so bad is that the only young people I know who had BC have died. I remember when my friend was dying, I thought, I can't believe this is not happening to me - just the sort of life i've had- come to expect blows. Then bam, 9 years later I get handed the same diagnosis. It all seems so inevitable. That is what I am struggling with. I have done nothing but cry since finishing chemo. It is as if I moved out of another phase of treatment, and I can see a flicker of my old self screaming to get out of this nightmare. I am trying so hard to get some sort of seblance of a life back but I am plagued by dark thoughts, worry about death every day, feel anger and resentment that this has happended to me and jsut can't get my head round the  losses this disease has bought: loss of security of health, loss of that second baby that we can't have now, loss of my old self, loss of established realtionships and ultimately loss of life. At dinner I just look at that 4th chair round the table  where there ought to be a thriving baby and all i see is a big sign saying cancer. I am so sad x 

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  • Gitane
    Gitane Member Posts: 1,885
    edited August 2012

    (((Torridon))),  

    I don't know if this will help you, but I will share what I have learned.  Your body has been damaged and chemically altered by your treatments.  If you are on a hormonal, it is being continuously chemically altered by that.  It's a very big deal.  It has also been assaulted by your surgeries.  Don't underestimate the impact.  Under your thinking brain is an emotional layer that is, as you said, screaming.  It is looking for logical reasons why you are spinning out of control (past experiences/present and future losses, plain old survival instinct), but remember emotions aren't logical, they just are!  You need to heal, your body needs to recover from the assaults and adjust to the drugs you may be taking. You need to live in this void for a while so this can happen.  It helps to let the emotions come as they will.  They will come in waves, and pass. It's scary but letting them come and go helps them to slowly lessen in intensity. Your emotions are on overload.  You cannot think your way out of that!

    There are ways to look at your thinking, what your mind is doing, that help you observe this and be able to let it go. We do not have to let the "helpless, hopeless" messages we get inside become our reality.  Meditation, Yoga, guided imagery, body scans, relaxation techniques taught at the cancer centers are great.  You can learn these and they can help you the rest of your life.  There is nothing wrong with meds, too, to get you over the roughest patches. 

    Then there is the ever present fear and sadness.  Over time we are somewhat surprised to find that gradually, with no effort on our part, that starts to move over and allow something else.  However, it takes time.  That's also hard for us to allow.  At least it was for me. 

    I was so sad, so very sad.  I didn't know any way to handle it at the time and it took over my life.  I hit bottom about a year after I completed treatment.  It took me so long because I didn't know what to do and didn't ask for any help.  I've learned since that there are things I could have done, am doing now, that help me.  You are normal.  It's just so hard sometimes.

    Hugs,  G. 

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