Trying to be the strong son, but...

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Viking3467
Viking3467 Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Hello all!

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer about two weeks ago. Invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 3, 3cm mass in left breast, and what we've been told are "many" DCIS's. Lymph node biopsy coming this week, then the real decisions start coming. Before I continue, I should add that my family isn't new to medical concerns. My father had type 1 diabetes for 30 or so years and died suddenly in 1999, his mother died three months later, and his father died in 2008. Myself, I also have type 1 diabetes but have it under relatively good control. My stepfather has had two knee surgeries and will be having lower back surgery in the near future.  Needless to say, my mother and I are being annoyingly pragmatic about the whole thing. It's the same story with a different illness.

Having said that, I'm putting on the strong, brave son suit on the outside, but on the inside I feel like I'm suffocating with the weight of what's yet to come. And coming to terms with all of this so quickly is turning me into a bit of a basket case! The thought of this strong-willed, take-no-prisoners woman who has seen so many other people through years of health challenges be put through something like this reduces me to uncontrollable tears. Our shared faith in God helps us know that there's a purpose to all this, but I can't help asking why such a guardian angel deserves this! Today, for example, I was driving to a doctor's appointment when I suddenly broke down in traffic. I wasn't even consciously thinking about her then, it just sort of happened without warning. My fiancée has been very supportive and willing to put up with my mood-swings (for lack of a better word) also.

 I'm just not sure what to do, what to expect, or really what to think! I'm already planning on being with her for her initial oncologist appointment (if it's needed), and any surgeries/treatments that are scheduled. I just have no idea how to cope and deal with this kind of hurdle in life.

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  • nicole2086
    nicole2086 Member Posts: 14
    edited July 2012

    Viking, I'm going through a very similar situation right now, mom just diagnosed, IDC grade 3.  I don't know how to cope either, but I promise if I figure it out I'll let you know.  Right now it's helping me to gather all the chemo advice from people on this forum and print it out for my mom.  I also ordered a lot of books from the recommendations on this website.  I don't think people always get what they "deserve" in life, but I too couldn't help thinking it just isn't fair that this happened to my mom.  I guess it's not very helpful to think that way, though. 

    Since you can go with her to her appointments, maybe it would help to assist her with keeping a journal where she can write down her doctor's visits and what they said, her feelings, thoughts, etc - especially if she starts chemo.  Get her a folder and ask for copies of all her test results.  Just be with her.  You have no idea how badly I wish I could hold my mother's hand through this. 

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited July 2012

    I am sorry you have to go through this and hope your mom responds well to treatment.  It is very overwhelming to look at the big picture, especially at the beginning when there are so many unknowns.  Try to take it one step at a time.  This website is extremely helpful and you will learn a lot and find lots of support.  Feel free to continue to ask questions here.  We are all in this together.   Good luck!

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  • mrsnjband
    mrsnjband Member Posts: 1,409
    edited July 2012

    Hi Viking,

    As I'm sure you know, illness can be harder on the family.  But what an awesome son you are to want to be there for your mom.  My hubby had cancer with 2 recurrences and while I didn't show my emotions in front of him, it was very hard for me.  I love him so much and didn't want to loose him.  Needless to say, it is very draining.  

    Then when I got breast cancer, he was there for me.  If I whined or cried, he would simply say, "I understand."  In your case you may simply say to your mom, "I'm here for you." I'm sure she would appreciate that.

    If you have questions or just need to vent, we're here for you. NJ 

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  • bdavis
    bdavis Member Posts: 6,201
    edited July 2012

    I agree that it is very hard on family because in a sense you don't have any control... But from the patient side, the hardest part by far is the period you are in right now, the unknown period. Once you have the sentinel node biopsy results and havea clearer picture of the diagnosis and treatment plan, things improve.

    The fact that your mom has lots of DCIS only really means that she will most likely need a mastectomy. When cancer is in more than one quadrant of the breast, it is really the only option. So far what you know of the IDC is not horrible, it sounds like stage II... no bad all things considered... 

    For what its worth, I had a lumpectomy and needed chemo because of some nodal involvement and then CHOSE to have a Bilateral mastectomy... it is not what it used to be, none of it. The chemo was doable, I worked full time... and the surgery was also not bad... I was driving at two weeks and chose a reconstruction that is very natural (using my own fat to rebuild breasts).

    Just be there for your mom, and STAY POSITIVE... I think that was the best thing I could do.. I had tons of support, but preferred the upbeat people over the sad people... 

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited July 2012

    Hello, Viking3467, and welcome to the forum!

    Let me just say that already you are an amazing son just by coming here to post. Many sons are so uncomfortable with the whole issue of breast cancer and all the related issues that they are not able to handle it at all. (Well, actually, that's true of many family members.)

    Your mom is very lucky to have you by her side.

    This - the beginning -  is the worst part. When we only have PART of the information we need, our minds take us down scary roads. We imagine the worst case scenario. We spend time stressing and catastrophizing, when the reality may be much less disastrous than we think.

    Once your mom has a concrete diagnosis and a treatment plan, it will be much easier to just take things one day at a time.

    My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 61 - the same age I was when I was diagnosed. Back then, though, I kept thinking there must have been something I could have done to prevent this from happening to her. She was the sweetest person on the face of the earth, and there was no way she deserved this!

    Well, the truth is, one in eight women will be diagnosed with BC in their lifetimes. My mom had a radical mastectomy and lived for 26 more years, with no evidence of recurrence, and passed away from unrelated causes at the age of 87.

    It's o.k. to wear your "Strong Son" suit while you're around Mom...that gives her permission to lean on you. You can handle it.

    But you also need to acknowledge your feelings, too. Is there anyone you can talk to? Open up to? Share your concerns with? If not, we are always here to lend an ear. There are some awesome men and women on this site.

    I never asked "Why me?" I always felt "Why NOT me?" My faith allowed me to let go of my fear and give it up to God. I knew He had things under control, so I didn't have to spend my days worrying and fretting.

    Because of my faith, I never experienced the anxiety that others sometimes feel. I knew that no matter what happened, or how things turned out, God would be by my side continually.

    I chose my screen name because from the very moment I was diagnosed, there were blessings all along my path. All I had to do was open my eyes to them.

    I think you are going to be a huge blessing to your mom, and in turn, she may be blessing others in ways you can't imagine.

    Praying for good results and a good outcome for your mom, and for His peace and comfort for you.

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  • Viking3467
    Viking3467 Member Posts: 3
    edited July 2012

    Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement everyone!

    I should clarify: I'm *hoping* to make it to her appointments. Her and my stepfather are happily married, but because of work can't live with each other right now. He owns his own business and lives near me, and has effectively moved up to be with her. I, unfortunately, work nights at the local hospital. My supervisor is very willing to do her best to give me the time off I'll need, but between that and the 4-hour round trip to get to her, it'll definitely be logistically a little tricky. But she's my mom; obviously I'll do anything I can to be there for her.

     And working in the medical field, the biology of the cancer doesn't bother her or I in the least. It's a little odd talking about my mom's 'boobs' now, but it's really as normal as my family life has ever been. C'est la vie...

     I'll keep everyone updated once we know something, but for now, it's a waiting game. If there are any other younger guys in a similar situation, feel free to track me down. We can compare stories, or just be a sounding board for the other.

    Cheers! 

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  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited July 2012

    Viking,



    I went through this with my Dad and it's so scary! My best advice would be to let those emotions out as often as you possibly can. Anger, tears, you name it, but don't hold it in or you will eventually explode. This is a lot to deal with! I'd find an outlet, something you love, a sport, the gym, a hobby... Anything that will distract and allow you to unwind.



    You're a sweet son. You will be a great comfort to your Mom I'm sure. But you must take care of yourself too!



    Wishing you both the best...



    Rose.

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  • Lisa614
    Lisa614 Member Posts: 42
    edited July 2012

    Viking, as a mom and a newly diagnosed woman with BC, i really wish my son would not be so strong for me. He is almost 18, and while he is a mature, I feel he is still so young to have to deal with all of this.

    I've told him he can open up to me and we can talk aout anything and I just hope that he does. I know he has others to talk to...i just wish he would share his feelings with me.



    I don't know ou or your relationship withour mon, but please understand that sometimes it's ok to not be the strong one. Any mother will tell you that no matter how old your children are, they are still your "little ones" who you want to protect. So maybe having a good talk with her to share your fears would be good for the both of you.



    I wish you and your mom well.

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  • Viking3467
    Viking3467 Member Posts: 3
    edited July 2012

    Well, she got the node biopsy results back today, and it wasn't at all what we wanted to hear.  Of the 10 samples from two nodes they took, all came back positive.  They met with the biopsy surgeon this afternoon, discussed the likely follow-up work, but mostly talked about the oncologist he would be handing her off to now.  It sounds like a follow-up PET scan or CT or something to check for any met's I'd imagine.  I only talked to my stepfather today (my mom didn't want to talk to me about all this while it was so fresh, and I can't say I blame her), and he was a bit vague about the details.  He contacted the oncologist, but he/she already has two other new patients he's already shoe-horned into his schedule next week.  So it sounds like they may be meeting with the doctor any day next week, or possibly even this weekend apparently.

    I'm so thankful that my stepfather is able to be with her during all this.  It definitely helps to have someone who can be there when I'm not able.  Every time we think we've got the thing figured out, another curveball comes around.  And I realize that the cancer isn't going to be static; it's going to keep changing and giving us trouble.

    At least I seem to be handling this better than the initial diagnosis.  Or maybe I've just been busy with other things since the call that I haven't had time to let it sink in.  We'll see what the weekend holds, after it's been marinating in my mind.  But she's coming down by me for something tomorrow, and we're going to grab tea or coffee somewhere before she heads back.  Her and I have been taking bike rides when she visits, but with the heat and her very busy left side, I don't think that's going to happen.

    I want to thank everyone again for all that you've posted, on my topic and others.  It's been an absolutely invaluable resource, and very welcome therapy in a way, through all this, and I'm sure I'll be on here daily for quite a while.  What an amazing collection of people from every aspect of this "club"!

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  • bdavis
    bdavis Member Posts: 6,201
    edited July 2012

    Viking... so sorry about the nodes, but keep it all in perspective... There are plenty of women with positive nodes who don't have mets... one day at a time.. stay strong!!!

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  • steelrose
    steelrose Member Posts: 3,798
    edited July 2012

    Viking,

    This is the toughest part, not knowing exactly what you're up against until all of the tests have been done. I really hope that the nodes are the extent of the involvement. But soon you will have a game plan, and there are some very effective treatments available so have faith!



    Thinking of you and you Mom...



    Rose.



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