When will my mom need me the most?

It depends on what type of surgery she has.  I had a lumpectomy first and was fine.  I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction and I needed someone to care for me post OP.  I had drains in and was on pain pills.  I also could not drive at that time.  If you think she will have a mastectomy, I would schedule time off post surgery.  My best friend is a nurse for a breast surgeon and she came and took care of me for a few days after I got home from the hospital.  This was a great help to my husband since she knew how to take care of my drains and show my husband what to do.  I think cleaning and meals would help your mom and dad while she is going through chemo.   I am sorry about your mom's diagnosis.  I hope she responds well to treatment. 

Good luck!

I agree that there are a lot of variables that will contribute to when your mom might need you the most. Mostly, I want you to stop kicking yourself about mammograms. I got mine religiously each year and still got IDC. Mammos are good but far from perfect at detecting bc. You will find more than a few women who got regular mammos and did self exams but still got bc. I know this is very upsetting ( I watched my own two dd's go through this), but there is lots of reason for optimism even though there may be rough times ahead. Caryn

Nicole,

Just talking on the phone to her as often as you can will help the both of you. I'm sure she is going to be worried about you and your studies. Keep her involved in what you're doing and you can keep up with how she's doing, how she sounds, and know what she might really need at the time. The rotation in Buffalo sounds like a good idea. You'll be closer and can see her more often.  Staying in touch through the treatments will give her great comfort and support.

Nicole - My mom was dx'd with BC when I was in my early 30's. I felt guilty for a long time, thinking that there should have been something I could have done to prevent it. Maybe even if I had been a better daughter.....and I wasn't even a medical student!

Believe me, crap just happens.

As it turns out, my mom had a radical mastectomy and lived a long, healthy life, passing from other causes at the age of 87.

Lots of suggestions have been made about care, cleaning, meals, etc. Just remember, you don't need to be the one DOING all of that.

It's time to call in the troops. Does your mom have many friends who live close? A church group she belongs to? There are agencies who will provide four months of cleaning for women undergoing chemo. Those are all things that can be ARRANGED.

What your mom probably needs from you is to be reassured that you are not stressed out, fearful, or in danger of - as you say - screwing up your education.

What she probably needs more is to know that you love her, you will always be there for her if she needs you, and that she can talk to you without you breaking down.

There will always be time for tears. But Moms want to protect their kids (and yes, you are a "kid" for the rest of your life) from hurt.

If it were me, I would want to be there for her surgery. Like others have said, she may not need that much in the way of help during her recovery. But to see your smiling face before she goes in, and when she comes out, I think would be helpful.

But find other ways to stay in touch as you return to school. Find a few minutes to call every day. Email every day. Skype every day. Send her cards and letters. Or however you can work out your communication with her...just stay in touch.

Allow her to feel what she needs to feel, and express her thoughts without saying "Oh, Mom, you shouldn't feel that way!" or "Don't talk like that!"

If you can help with the "medicalese" then do so. Help her be an active participant on her medical team.

And most importantly, ASK her what she needs from you, and what she thinks would be most helpful. Tell her that no matter what it is, she should ask, and if there is a way you can make it happen, you will. But that it's o.k. to ask.

Wishing your mom (and you) the best....

Nicole... I echo what everyone else has said.. in addition, stay positive... be optimistic... I think that is one thing that really helped me. And just take it all one day at a time. This unknown time is very difficult... but do know that many scans can show 'something" that turns out to be nothing... a lot of false positives, so if one of her scans shows something, don't jump to conclusions about mets.

for the $3500 BRCA test to be covered you have to show just cause, and I think just mentioning your mom's BC is not enough... Make sure you cover your bases.

Glad to hear no mets!!!!

Nicole - go home when you can, call her often, send cards of encouragement. You can't fix it but you can show her how much you care. Not your fault it happened. No one could see it coming.

Ask her when is the best time to come home. Maybe she would rather have you home when you can do things together as opposed to taking care of her.

You can't change the past - you don't have control over tomorrow - today you can pick up the phone and give her a call. It's called love.

Hugs to you - I saw how difficult it was on my family when I was diagnosed and loved the way they supported me but let me be independent also.

Nicole,  I am not sure where everything stands with your mom at this point but when my mom went through the surgery, she actually preferred that we not see her pain if possible. What we did was when she did chemo is rotate and go with her and sit with her during the treatments. It would take her mind off what was going on and it also cheered up others that were going through it alone.  As it was already mentioned, take your mom's lead and make sure when you come is when she is ready.  I wish you and your mom all the best. Alison