it's been quite a year

I am one year out from bilateral mastectomy and saw my oncologist for a recheck today. While at the hospital gift shop I purchased a book called "living well beyond breast cancer...a survivor's guide for when treatment ends and the rest of your life begins" As I started reading it I discovered that the author is the founder of breast cancer.org. So far I feel like this book is speaking right to me and my needs and will be very helpful as I move beyond this diagnosis.

Totally unfair; I hope she is doing well. This is the 2nd edition which was published in 2010. It is like she was reading my mind on some of the topics.

Kate- I am so thankful to her for BCO and this book!

It'a been a year today since I got the call from the doctor telling me that the biopsy showed that I had cancer but that it was a "good" kind of cancer. Oh what a year! I've learned that just as I thought when I heard the words of the doctor last year, there is no "good" kind of cancer. I've also learned that initial information often isn't complete and what might be needed can change at every phone call or appointment with a doctor. Through the roller coaster of lumpectomy, BMX, plans for radiation-plans for no radiation, plans for no chem-plans for chemo-plans for no chemo, second opinions, TEs, implants, new nipples, and a bottle of Tamoxifen, I've made it through and done better on some days than others. As I look back, I feel tremendous sadness, I wish this had never happened. I feel others are tired of my surgeries and my fears. As for me, I'd just like my old breasts back. Instead, I'm delighted because my PS says I can finally go shopping for real bras instead of the industrial strength zip-up-the-front sports bras I have been wearing since January. I guess we find our delights in the funniest ways after a year like this one has gone by.

What I especially appreciate is the words you've shared on this thread that have helped me to know that I am not alone in experiencing the stirred up emotions that I have been feeling as this day approached. Thank you so much for helping me on this journey.

PS's seem to vary a lot in what they recommend (if they recommend anything) on bras.  Mine recommended the sports bra until after the nipple surgery as he was doing a fair amount of "pocket" work so fit might change somewhat. Latest is he wants me to move to an underwire. There is an excellent thread on BCO about bras if you haven't visited, here's the link (Bras 101): http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/44/topic/753120?page=115#idx_3431

Last year when I first saw the BS, he said that I'd gotten news that must have "stopped my world". I think after a year, the world is finally moving for me again.

This comes from a blog from Jeff Tomczek who was diagnosed with leukaemia at the age of 27- but it really talked to me and maybe it will mean something to the rest of you

When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again. 

If you want to read the whole blog go to http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html

Glad you enjoyed it Mybee

Another video / talk that gave me and my OH the strength to reach out to others for help is attached below (well the link is). Others might find it useful too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o 

I am still striving to live whole heartedly but I am getting there!

It has been one year out for me, as far as the MX but so much happened over last summer and is still happening that it is not really over at all.  I just had revision surgery last week which changed my breasts and body image yet again. I am fooling around with my AI and when to take it.  This is minor stuff really, but it is certainly not indicative of it being over.  I would think we would have to be cancer free for some time to feel any kind of resolution and even then...........we are changed, as Jeff said in his wonderful piece.

When I think back to last summer it was like the summer from hell, well almost. Having BC, a MX, living with the TE, having my former BF be not only neglectful but emotionally abusive and my best friend basically nowhere around either, that was all very hard.  My Mom and sister went on a 3 week vacation the day after my MX. It was very hard on my children to see their mother as a cancer patient, in recovery from surgery and mistreated by my BF.  It was an awful summer.  Now this summer...........this summer is mine.  I just ordered a book on meditation last night and another - The Yoga of Eating (we'll see how it is).  I garden, I pray, I sing in my church worship services, I bike ride and I try to love again. I bake good things for myself and my family and am trying to improve my self-care and self-love. The latter is the hardest (I still drink too much wine);  it is an individual seeking, healing, journey.  I feel like I am just beginning that part. And then there are the children.  All teenagers, or even young adults, but all striving and struggling.  I want to be there for them and give them all I can - all the love I can open up my healing heart to give.

I say all this because I agree Rabbit, that it is definitely a time of mixed emotions, reflecting, almost a time of repairing other broken parts of our lives, at least it has been so for me. 

I think one year out is still very, very early.  We are healing. 

Peace.

Very nice Kate. I sometimes wonder if it wasn't the storm, the 'stress' of it all, that didn't in fact create conditions for the BC.  It is speculation of course but ...........this need to seek some peace has multiple purposes. Repair, recovery, rejuvenation as well as future wellness.  Not that anyone causes their own BC certainly...............

Jittersmom - I feel the same way.

Jittersmom- So sad what you wrote but beautifully, beautifully said.

I'm just going to add this in here....maybe others feel as I do......I never have those moments.  My first thought in the morning is how uncomfortable it is to sleep with these implants and how difficult it is to find a comfortable position.  Maybe because the surgery is newer, Idk.  But even during my waking hours, I am no longer me.  Everything has changed.

This is not to minimize anyone else's experience - we are all different.  Just sharing.

Jittersmom - I just had one of those moments when I first woke this morning. Hoping for more and more of those moments.

In my e-mail today I got this quote. It made me remember the time after my BMX when my main goal for the day was being able to carry my waterbottle in my left hand when I went for my walk (always had more pain on that side) and how  happy I was when I could finally do it. Sometimes it is the little things . . .

"Success means
doing the best we can with what we have. Success is the doing, not the getting
-- in the trying, not the triumph, Success is a personal standard -- reaching
for the highest that is in us -- becoming all that we can be. If we do our best,
we are a success. Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you
have."
~Zig Ziglar

Denise- I just read your blog and it really touched me. Thanks for sharing it. People really don't get that it's not just over when active treatment ends. I find that I downplay it myself when talking to people who don't get it and unfortunately this probably just contributes to the general lack of understanding.

Denise- Thanks for sharing your blog with us.  I really liked the one titled "When friends disappear during cancer treatment".  I think we've all dealt with this so I have a greater understanding now of why it happens.