So Sad

My mother was diagnosed with BC 7 years ago, had a masectomy, chemo, radiation, etc and had been living cancer free until about 8 weeks ago. She has a bad back and needed a cortizone shot, the dr had her have a mri to pinpoint the area for the shot.  A day later her dr called and said they found a spot and she needed to come immediately for more scans.  Days later she had th scans and her dr came back with the results, the cancer was back, in her bones, liver and lungs.  Within days she was hospitalized.  She promised she would fight, she would be here but she just kept declining, more everyday.  Then the dr.gave us the good news, the chemo and radiation were working,everything was shrinking. I was elated, kept pushing her non-stop, but I could see her pain, non-stop from the liver, she would cry out in pain.  She stopped eating and drinking because everytime she did, it came right back up but I kept being positive and pushing.  Yesterday, the 4th of July, she made the decision to stop all treatment and enter hospice, she wanted the pain management.  I am devestated and when my father told me I fully intended to go to the hospital and scream and yell and tell her it was too soon, she had to keep fighting.  When i walked into the room and looked at her, I realized I could not do it, that would be cruel and selfish, the pain she was in was almost unbearable to see.  I have cried for 24 hours and am not sure how I will get by each day without seeing her, talking to her and just knowing she is there. I think I can handle that she is physically gone, I feel that already it is the giant hole in my heart that I am not sure will ever heal.  Just so very, very sad.