My "friend" sent me a hate filled email.
My friend from college (30 years) got mad at me for not being a good friend (returning calls and supporting her). During her email from hell she told me that she has no sympathy for my cancer because I am overweight and that I am not fighting for my life. I was diagnosed four years ago with stage3 and did six TAC treatments and radiation. Her belief is that because I am 45 poiunds overweight the weight caused my cancer and thus did not merit her sympathy. She also said that I love being the victim and she is sick of it. I am in shock and do not want to be friends with her anymore. I spoke to my oncologist and she said weight can be one factor out of many and that if weight was a direct cause of breast cancer we would have alot more people with the disease. This so called friend actually suggested we take a break and speak again and try to be friends who "communicate" more. I am finished Ithink. Any ideas, comments or opinions? Oh yea, she thinks I am a victim because I had to leave my job due to side effects from the chemo(nuropothy and lymphodema). I am depressed due to my mom's death and the fact that I had to leave my job which I did like. Believe me, I am getting treatment with a psychologist and am fighting to break this depression. It is the first time I have ever been depressed and I want it to end. I feel so violated by her opinions.
Comments
-
Zoh...my....god. Seriously, this is exactly where the saying "with friends like these, who needs enemies" comes from! Your former "friend" is an ass. I'd never speak to her again. I wouldn't even miss her. And, I'd replace her with someone fabulous and supportive.
(I'm sorry--I know it can hurt to lose a friend, but this person is not good for you.)
-
This friendship no longer works for you. Maybe it did at some point. Not now. Walk away and don't look back. Friends make you feel good about yourself. Constructive criticism from dear friends is ok, but not negativity. I am so so sorry someone made you feel this way.
Something like this happened to me. I had someone who at the worst time of my treatment, literally had flesh falling off from rads, verbally attacked me and my 10 year old daughter. She said I was a bad mom for going to the beach after chemo treatments. I struggled and nearly got hospitalized each time, but finally learned to recuperate at my sisters ocean front home and let my angel husband care for my kids. My onc was amazed at how I recovered so quickly each time I hit the beach. I didnt take kindly for being told I was a bad mom for trying to take care of myself. I was hurt beyond belief. We had been friends for a decade. I often wondered if it was her inability to deal with me having cancer. I didnt dwell on it. I walked away, never returning calls again. Her husband even called and apologized on her behalf.
One thing I know for sure now...life is too short. Walk away proud of yourself. You deserve only the best!
Hugs Hugs Hugs to you!!! -
I just read this quote on Facebook:
"I don't chase after anyone anymore. If you want to walk out of my life, I will gladly hold the door open for you."
Sounds like it applies here. This person sounds toxic to you and you don't need that in your life! -
I'd email her and say F**K OFF,BITCH.
Then I'd block her email address so you never hear from her again.People like her are toxic,and you sure don't need her in your life.
-
I really cannot explain why people really pile it on when we're down ? I've had it coming from all four corners. What is it with people ? do they even deserve to be called humans ?
-
Email her what you said. I had a family member who said I "played the victim" after being laid off, being diagnosed, fracturing my eyesocket which required surgery last summer all within 3 weeks. So I was sad. I was not a victim. She was, after putting up with 30 years of cr$p from a husband who was abusive, got 2 women pregnant was drunk all the time, finally divorced her. She finally changed her SS # I also finally ended a situation at home when I turned 15 and was big enough and smacked a stepfather over the head with a golf trophy because he was constantly trying to beat us up. It stopped. I'm playing the victim? Never have. I think projection. And ignorance. And fear. And inability to cope on her part. Give her time. People have different strengths. People can only be who they are at that time in their lives based on the skills that they have. I am sorry that you are sad.
-
Your "friend" is going out of her way to be hurtful. I would tell her that is how you perceive it, and anyone who would say those awful things is no friend. I would not engage in any further conversation with her, just distance yourself from her. You should not have deal with that kind of treatment. It is disrespectful and mean. Cut her off, unless her behaviour changes. As others have said she is toxic.
-
If she doesn't have an MD after her name, and a multi-year oncology residency on her resume, she has no clue why you got breast cancer. Cut her loose. Being mean is never a gesture of a friend.
*susan*
-
I think it's clear, your "friend" is a complete toad. I think it's clear she should be shown the door, but that doesn't help all that haunting questioning that will go on in your head. At least, it didn't for me.
How could someone abandon me in the middle of the worst part of my treatment? Especially after holding such a high bar for our friendship concerning her needs? Was I a bad person, a bad friend? What I finally realized is, a lot of people have the capacity to be alarmingly selfish. Cancer isn't about YOU, it's about THEM, their needs, feelings, fears, etc. Even in my good friends, I hear weird vestiges of it ("Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for my health"; "I know I won't get what you have because I don't have family history"...as if my cancer is a special engraved message to quell their worries).
The only reason people blame others for their illness is they want to convince themselves they can avoid it. It's really that simple, and I saw it over and again. Don't get me started with my European friends. According to many of them, my stress and mental attitude are what caused my cancer. Again, they are just saying to themselves, "I'll never be that."
Bottom line, if people avoided at least a moron or two during treatment, they were LUCKY. Nothing more. What I really want to drive home is, it isn't something you did. I'm thrilled some of us are lucky enough to avoid the people who let us down, but I didn't.
-
ditto almost all of the above. That's not a friend.
-
"I spoke to my oncologist and she said weight can be one factor out of many ..."
Are you kidding?! How dare she ! Let's PRETEND BC is caused from being overwight ( NOT/ plenty of thin ppl get it), is your fried perfect ? Maybe she drinks occassionally or maybe too much, and that may contribute to an illness, perhaps she eats too many carbs which may contribute to metabolic syndrome or diabetes, maybe she doesnt exercise enough and will end up with heart disease. More likely - perhaps she is hateful and angry and mean spirited and this kind of self-inflicted stress can lead to high cortisone levels and a host of illnesses ....or even 'bad karma'!
Who would ever ever speak to a person like this again?
PLEASE do not give her the satisfaction of another word coming from you. Do not be hurt by this ..realize she is one sick puppy who is envious of a disease!
Nutjob. -
Wow, that was just..uncalled for. I'm so sorry. I agree with the others, cut her loose and be happy to be rid of her. No one deserves a "friend" like that.
-
Chiming in: It's time for a friend divorce!
-
Don't walk away from her... RUN! And don't look back. There is no time to waste on people like this. She is not your friend. I'm sorry that this happened to you.
Sending love...
Rose.
-
Don't even devote enough of your energy to contact her or explain why you are kicking her out of your life. Just walk away. Delete e-mails unread. Do not answer phone calls from her (if you have caller ID - if not, just hang up as soon as you realize who it is). Trust me, she'll get it. Walk away and don't give her another thought. You need to concentrate on YOU now. (((hugs)))
-
So NOT a friend. I am sorry a long term friendship came to this, but you did not ask for cancer! Who would. As for fighting for your life, what does she chemo is for? Why would we add poison to our bodies if we weren't fighting for our lives? It is, literally, a fight for our lives. Poison our bodies to the point of illness in the hope of killing the cancer that is trying to kill us. Geesh, I hope she never has to deal with this, I don't think she would strong enough to make it, because one thing BC teaches us is that you never know how the journey will go. Much love to you and may all your other friends prove to be real friends.
-
I would be finished with her. Seems like she was trying to be mean. She certainly wasn't giving you the benefit of the doubt and holding back with her opinions. It will be hard because you are hurt, but you have to let her go.
This affirmation might help...Say her name.....I release you to your highest good. The good of one is the good of all.
It is putting positive energy out towards her; but the thoughts will help you more.
This has helped me. I know the pain. I also lost a friend of 30 years...we raised our kids together. I am "Aunt Barbie" to her daughter. I think she could not handle the cancer in MY body. Weird, I know. Actually, in our "moving beyond BC" class half of the women mentioned how some friends "fade away" from the cancer.
I easily release the old and make way for the new...
-
kltb,
My thought...you can't make someone love you.
Either they do or they don't.
-
I had a close friend disappear when I told her I had cancer. It hurt a LOT. But then there were other people I expected nothing from who really stepped up and showed they were my friends. I gained more than I lost.
-
WOW--she's really tuff---but so are u---u'r dealing with a whole lot now and u can be sad--give ur'self the go ahead---but I'm glad u'r getting help if it's depression, meds can help alot --if needed. And that's what u need to take care of ur'self not her, she apparently has some problems going on and she almost sounds jealous because maybe people are showing u kindness and she's not so she took it out on u. Of course it's unexceptable for any reason--u focus on u and who and what is good for u---so do what I do--Chin up, breasts out oops--I guess I don't do that anymore LOL
-
LOL, me, neither, camillegal! We can just throw our shoulders back instead of our boobs forward.
-
Your replies were just what I needed to read tonight. They were like a hug and confirmation that I am feeling and doing what is RIGHT for me. To think that we have been friends since 1980 and I have loved her thru many years of her alcoholism when she was abusive and difficult, and then I got SICK and she could not muster up anything but CONTEMPT for me just hurts so much! I had two good friends that just disappeared when I was diagnosed and that was much easier than what I went thru last week with my "friend".
I loved the affirmation where I state her name and release her out loud. Things like that help. I realize that I need to cut her out of my life forever because I just will never be able to trust her again. It is apparant that she has found me to be pathetic and at fault for my misfortune. She actually said that I was not fighting to get well and that I did not eat enough vegetables and fruit. She lives 1500 miles away from me and I have not seen her in four years. We talked several times a week but she had no idea about what I ate. She ended her email by telling me that I am a food addict and she knows this because she has a certificate in drug and alcohol counseling (which she has never used professionally). I pondered whether to post this and I am so glad I did. I felt ASSAULTED by her and it feels so good to have your support. My heart is broken but my family really helped me. My two sons who are 22 and 19 wanted to call her and tell her off. My husband just held me while I cried and told me that I am a survivor who is brave and strong. And now your kind and sensitive responses will allow me to stop asking what I did wrong...what is wrong with me...am I really acting like a victim...etc. Now I can reread your posts and remind myself that we are all brave and fighters who support each other. I am lucky to have you all there to help me.
-
(((lookingforward4more)))
Your family sound wonderful. With their support, you can do anything.
-
I'm glad u found support thru this and u have a great family to help
-
I am happy your family is there for you. With that support, you will make it through tx. Much love.
-
I am glad you are feeling better. You are brave and strong.
-
Focus on what you need to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with those who are supportive, positive, sensitive and understanding.
-
She is lost to alcoholism? That puts it in perspective. You should move on. Her damaged brain cells were doing the talking, but that's her problem not yours.
I'm sorry she was able to cause you pain, I'm sure she causes pain to many. -
Friends don't act this way, friends do not behave this way!! I received a scathing email from a "friend" 3 days after my last Herceptin treatment and 2 days after port removal. Apparently she felt I didn't "try" hard enough because I didn't stay long enough for a friend's birthday party. I only stayed 1 1/2 hours. Somehow that equated to I didn't care and I should've stayed out like them till 2am.
She is now out of my life. You don't need people like that. No one does.
-
Arrrgh.....tell her to eff off. She sure isn't doing you any good and you will always know that she blames you for your cancer. Just because we were diagnosed with cancer, does not make us doormats. It is NOT your fault.
Btw my Mom died too during my treatment....my skin was still falling off of me from rads at her funeral. It knocks you back a mile - half the time lately I wake up in the middle of the night and just cry. We have well enough stuff on our plates without such negativity.
(((many hugs)))
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team