Anger over how bad the end was

That was a very cruel way. I have a palliative care doctor besides my family doctor to help me. I am also a hospice patient. So, between them all I am thinking I might be more comfortable then what your mom was.

You posting this is okay in that it brings to light what we need to do to help prevent it from happening to us.

I have it in writing to give me pain medicine even if it shortens my life. It is part of my living will and all of my doctors know I feel this way.

I am firstly so, so sad for your loss. It is so hard when we lose our mothers. And I can truely understand how angry you feel as I don't think in this day and age one needs to suffer so much at the end. I hope the pain you are feeling soon goes, I will keep you in my prayers.

so sorry, i went thru similar with my mom...it was difficult.

she also said we were killing her she was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get her. she begged for us to take her home, i kept telling her that i would love to take her home but she had a tube in her chest draining fluid. she had terminal agitation and kept saying please, please, please..they wouldn't let her drink and she was begging for liquid...it was so bad..

and at a point couldn't understand what she was trying to say anymore, she struggled to breath and her anxiety was thru the roof....until the morphine.

i wish her story ended different.

right there with you,

kristin

i saw my very dear to me parents die.. all four, and sis and brother in law to cancer. .  The quality of hospice care was crucial.. One company kept my mother in law alive in a coma for almost a month... and I don't think she was all that comfortable unless Grandpa was by her side.  I don't know if that is what grandpa wanted,  to keep her alive for so long, but he was absolutely shocked when she actually died.  He cared for her so dearly.  Her daughter was livid that she was allowed to linger so and insisted that Catholic care not be called for her sister or brother.  It must be hard to make those decisions.  I wish everyone a peaceful death..  I'm really sorry your mother's death was so painful for you and her rdelrigo. 

 personally , I am going to ask for lots (LOTS) of drugs.. who knows what this brain cancer will do to me.  I don't want to embarrass my kids.  i know that sounds silly, but i want it to be easy for them.

My fiancee died because of cancer in 1983. Nothing about it was "easy". I still don't know whether I am angry or sad.



And now my wife has breast cancer.....

Apple. I agree with rdelrigo. Why should you be embarassed about cancer?



I was never embarassed by Mickey.

Thank you to all who have brought this into discussion and into the open. I have always been bothered by the statement, "passed peacefully surrounded by friends and family". I can not imagine me doing this and have tried to prepare my DH for when this time approaches. Fighting for so many years, I don't believe that at the final days I will just fall into an acceptance and peaceful state.



I don't want a hospital bed brought in, I've never laid in a hospital bed that was comfortable. Realities of the death process needs to be spoken in terms of reality. Drug induced comas are not for me. Pain control yes, but drugged beyond existence no. I am sure there will be anger, both on my part and on those who love me.



When dear BIL passed last year, it was difficult for the last two weeks. But he was coherent most of the time, aware and in the moment. He spoke with all his brothers, he smiled at his wife and grandchildren. Somedays he was confused for what was happening. He told me several times the few days before that he was not in physical pain, but the emotional pain was deep. He fought each day for another day.



If we have anger with others in our lives, I wonder if it would be better to deal with this now, so it does not become an issue later. There are people in my life who have caused pain and anger. I let DH know that they are not to be allowed in to see me in the final days. (unless I specifically ask for them). I also do not want to be left alone at any time. There are hundreds in our family, they live close and will make a schedule so that at all times someone I love will be with me. They will be "coached" as to "terminal agitation" and "anger".



Again, I thank those who are being honest and straight regarding these final days. Please continue posting. There are things we can do to help this transition, we need your honesty to prepare ourselves and our loved ones.



Thank you again for these postings. Those who do not want graphic reality can block this post. I, for one, need some of this graphic reality so I can do things now to minimize it's impact on those I cherish. THANKS!



Peggy, I send you strength, love, hugs, and selective memory. You are so much in my thoughts!

I am so sorry. May your mom finally rest in peace

Hi Rdelrigo,

I am so sorry for your loss, my mom died October 1 of last year too and her exit was not even close to being peaceful either.  It was gutwrenching, to say the least.  I was her primary caregiver for the nine months preceding her death and on September 11 (of all days), I had to make the call and plead with her to let me take her to the hospital.  She would never let me stay overnight with her and I later found out in the four days preceding the hospital, she was sleeping in her wheelchair, yet somehow managing to change her clothes in the morning before I got there.  Her feet were 4 times their normal size because of this.  Brain mets were very cruel to her and on that last day at home, she was continually punching in numbers to her TV remote, so the channel was changing every second.  I asked her gently what she was doing and she told me she was trying to find the code to open the gate.  The gate to Heaven.  She had been actively trying to die since mid-July.    She was once such a vibrant, outspoken gal and now she was confined to wheelchair and her mind was going - something she had always dreaded and always told me to "put the pillow over her face" if she ever got like this. 

Once in hospital, I started a notebook for her so she would remember me being there as well as other visitors.  For the first few days, she would answer some gibberish after my comments but after awhile, she would just scribble out my writing, very angrily.  11 days in hospital and then a bed opened in hospice.  I don't think she even realized she'd been moved, to be truthful because she was pretty far gone by that point.  

On September 30, the hospice called me early in the morning that her breathing was becoming laboured and we went there as a family to sit with her.  She had stopped talking 2 days prior and her last words were "I've changed my mind.  I don't want to go.  I love my kids too much."  I am her only child but she was referring to me, my hubby and my daughter and her family. The day before that she was writhing in pain (even though they had her "snowed" with meds) and crying "I must have been a very bad person because God won't let me in!"  THAT was so hard to hear.  

My daughter and I stayed with her through the night and then it suddenly hit me that she was wanting us to go.  We both live about 5 minutes from the hospice so we did go home at about 11:30.  I looked at the clock at 12:01 and said to myself "ok, Mum - it's October 1, you can go now".  The hospice called me at 12:04 and said she was going fast.  I didn't get there in time and it dawned on me, she didn't want me to see her die.  I kissed her forehead and she was still warm, so I literally missed her by minutes.  My daughter and I sat with her for about an hour and, honestly, that was very healing for me.  She did finally find her peace and I worded her obituary that she was "promoted to Heaven".  The dying process for my mum was anything but peaceful, she fought it every step of the way OR she tried to accellerate it every step of the way, I doubt I'll ever be sure.

Sorry this is so long - but I wanted you to know that you're not alone in your grief.  I'm crying for your mom too because I totally get how much this sucks, losing your best friend.

hugs and love,

Margi

p.s.  my Mum had told me months prior that she had to hang on to Oct 1, as her own mom (my gramma) died on Sept. 30 and she didn't want to "steal her thunder".  Amazing, really.

p.p.s and then my dad suddenly died two days later on Oct. 3.  They had been apart for 40 years and lived in different towns.  I am their only child.  She would have been SO mad that HE had stolen HER thunder!  I think the reason my Dad was taken so quickly is that my husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer two days after THAT and somewhere, somehow, God knew I would need to be able to focus solely on his recovery.  His surgery was 7 weeks later, radiation and chemo are now done and he is thriving.  I think we've needed my parents up there to put in a good word for us!  We are healing from everything now but there are still days when we can't stop the tears. 

mkk - i've just read your post again and I respectfully disagree.  This IS the place for us supporters to come and vent.  We're not doing it over on the other boards and rdelrigo, I feel, is perfectly justified in telling her mom's story.  We caregivers DO need support and if we can't get it from other supporters here on a safe forum, why should we have to seek professional help?  I'm sorry, while I respect your opinion, I simply can't agree with it.

 For the record, I was also never embarassed by my mom.  Not even for a second. I fought hard for her, as her advocate, to make sure she was kept as comfortable as possible and, honestly - she was.  The professional care we got from medical staff and hospice angels was amazing - they truly are the most caring group of people I've ever encountered and my mom was always treated with respect and dignity.  There is only so much meds can do and cancer is a ferocious opponent.   I am still so damn proud of what a valiant struggle she gave and I am finding peace now that she won and went on to a better cancer-free place.  Time is helping to blur the awful memories of her last few months and now I'm getting back to remembering how lucky I am to have had such a great mother!  

sorry, didn't realize that.  Thanks for the clarification!