I will be okay......

Sometimes, I am mad.  Sometimes, I am sad.   I can't understand why us?  I truly can not articulate the thoughts and feelings that I have had since Di's diagnosis.   I read this forum every night looking for answers and yet there are none.   She is going to die from this incredible unfair disease.  Hope, you say....yeah, whatever.  I am numb as I watch her life force slowly ebbing away.  I read the pleas from so many people looking for help and yet I all have to offer is this...

I will be okay...

I watched the night sky and saw the "big dipper" as she moved.  You know what, I will watch her for years to come.  I heard the birds sing their nightly song and this too I will hear for years to come.  I sat in my chair tonight and felt the cool breeze blow and I will feel her blow for years to come. 

I will be okay...

I cried as many of you have.  I yelled as many of you have.  I worried as many of you have.  I will never forget the day the told us that Di had moved to stage IV.  I will never forget the first words out of my love... "I don't want to leave you".  She knew as I, that her time on this earth had suddenly been shortened.  We hoped that we would be the exception, but as time has progressed the odds of that have slowly diminished.  We still hope...

I will be okay...

I will see so much more.  I will feel so much more.  I will love and care so much more.  This disease has awakened me.  I will live as thou this is my dying day.  The laundry will wait, the trout stream will not.  Thank you my dear for helping me see the depth of the beauty of today.  I will never be able to thank you enough for the gift of true living that you have giving me.

I will be okay...

And you will too.  As a caregiver, I have heard how tough it is on us.  Tougher some will say..... I really doubt that.  I can not imagine what I would be like if I knew what the clock on my life said.  It is tough for us, it's hard not to distance ourselves.  It's hard not to wallow in self pity.  I am here to say that you must look for the positives.  This is the time that you can really know the meaning of "true love".  Let your mind feel all the emotions of this roller coaster called "Cancer".  It isn't fair and it doesn't care who you are, and no one can predict the outcome.  But, one thing is for sure, it will challenge you to be a better person.  And that is never a bad thing.

I will be okay....