I need encouragement because I am so sick of having cancer

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I'm just having a really hard time this week. I don't post on here much, but I've been here for the past five months lurking and reading all your posts. I've learned a lot here!

I just finished chemo three weeks ago and I thought it was going to be such a good feeling, but I'm so scared to be off chemo. I feel like cancer can just start growing back now and I wish I could stay on chemo for the rest of my life. Isn't that insane?! I'm having my lumpectomy/port removal/more lymph nodes taken out next Friday and I'm so scared. Am I even strong enough after getting off chemo to be ready for surgery? I'm going to have a drain in afterwards and that just sounds so creepy to me.  And my lumpectomy is going to be wire guided, so they are going to stick a wire through my breast to pinpoint the lump!!!! I don't know how I'm going to get through it without passing out! The imaging center where they place the wire is down the street from the hospital...how am i going to get down the street with a wire stuck in my breast??? 

i've been so strong though chemo and I just feel like I can't take anymore of this! i feel like I've just hit my limit. I don't even know if this is all worth it, because I read about so many women on here who recur and recur fast. I'm not even done fighting this cancer and I'm already freaking out about recurring!

I've always been kind of a daredevil and I always laughed to my friends that I would die someday in a crazy stunt (on my bucket list for example is going down scuba diving in a metal shark cage).  Now I have breast cancer I feel like it's just inevitable that that is what's going to take me out. I fed a baby tiger a bottle last summer with no fear whatsoever of it snapping and trying to eat me, and now I've turned into a baby over a cancer battle!

Comments

  • misslene
    misslene Member Posts: 16
    edited June 2012

    Oh, and I'm so fed up with being bald, too. My hair is starting to grow in, so I have a little stubble. I look a chia pet alien. I don't have a sex drive anymore, but I'm amazed that my husband still even finds me attractive.

  • sundermom
    sundermom Member Posts: 463
    edited June 2012

    The end of treatment is a tough time. For me, during treatment I was so focused on "the battle" and just making it through that I didn't have an energy left to worry about life after treatment. Now that I'm finally feeling like my old self again I am finding that my mind thinks about things it should not be thinking about.



    Just a bit of advice about the drain . . . Make sure to tape the tube in place about 3-4 inches below where is comes out of your chest so it doesn't get pulled on accidentally when you move. It won't come out, but it will hurt like hell if it gets accidentally tugged.

  • mckenna
    mckenna Member Posts: 413
    edited June 2012

    I have not had as much treatment as you but I did have the wire guided lumpectomy. I faint easily and can make myself quesy just thinking about medical procedures and the wire guide did not bother me one bit and I barely even felt the needle with the numbing meds. I hope things go well with your upcoming procedures.

  • SuzyBlue
    SuzyBlue Member Posts: 125
    edited June 2012

    I had the hook wires put in too and honestly you don't feel them go in after they numb the area, they are very fine wires. They also tape them down so you will be able to put something over them to travel to the hospital.



    We all get overwhelmed at times throughout this ordeal. You are not alone, we are all here to support you and listen when you are having a bad day.

  • MNGirlyGirl
    MNGirlyGirl Member Posts: 26
    edited June 2012

    I also had the wire-guided lumpectomy before I started chemo.  My surgeon knew how nervous I was over the whole surgery (was also afraid on asthma complications from the anethesia) so she gave me a nice dose of Lorazapam before and it really calmed me down prior to all the presurgery stuff.  The wire was somewhat uncomfortable but not as bad as I envisioned it.  Don't be shy of telling your doctor and the nurses about your fears and nervousness.  Mine did a great job of calming me down and talking me through all aspects of the surgery.  They put me in a wheel chair after the wire and took complete care of me.  Don't worry about those kinds of details.  They have it all figured out for you.  My hospital had underground connections to all the buildings so didn't have to go outside of the hospital at all.  I'm guessing it will be the same thing for you.

    I have also read about reoccurrence, but I also know MANY women who have gone through it once and are survivors.  We can't worry about those things we can't control.  I am trying to change my diet to more of a plant-based diet/whole foods, but it's a rough go.  I wish you luck.  Please tell us how your surgery goes.  When is it?  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Kathy

  • ali68
    ali68 Member Posts: 1,383
    edited June 2012

    Hi Hun, Wishing you lots of luck with yours I go for mine next tuesday.

    I have been told I'm last on the list for surgery and I'm staying over night.

  • fightinhrd123
    fightinhrd123 Member Posts: 633
    edited June 2012

    I was a wreck after chemo!  I kept thinking this will be my last xmas, nye, easter, you name it!!!  That went on for about 2 years!  Then slowly it got easier!  Dont get me wrong, its still on my mind ALOT, but it not "as" scary as it was for sure!  Life does get back to normal.  My hair is down the middle of my back, and you would never know I had been sick to see me now....so...hang in there!  I also went and got on welbutrin, that REALLY helped me alot!

    Laura

  • misslene
    misslene Member Posts: 16
    edited June 2012

    MNgirlygirl: my surgery is next Friday the 22nd.

    Ladies, thank you all so much for your support. I was having such a rough night last night and I really appreciate all your words of wisdom.  During the day at work, I'm all smiles and positivity and putting on a good face for everyone and then I get home (and my husband works second shift, so I'm home alone in the evenings) and it's like all my energy is done and I fall apart. It sucks that we are all part of this club, but I'm so grateful that we have this site to connect with others who understand what I'm going through!

  • Stacie
    Stacie Member Posts: 607
    edited June 2012

    Misslene,

    I totally understand. My surgery was Mar 5th and I have completed 4 of 6 rounds of TAC. Then RADS. I work from home alone... but time IS passing and I am making it through. And I know I can do this. You can too. But like my doc says, "You can have a pity-pot now and then. But you can't have one for anyone else. Last night I had a good cry. This is hard...but, doable.

  • ritajean
    ritajean Member Posts: 4,223
    edited June 2012

    Oh Missiene....hugs to you from across the miles!  How well I remember these feelings!  There were so many times when I thought I just couldn't do it, but I did.  We all have our pity parties and good cries as we go through this and that's O.K.  Just remember that the more you cry, the less you pee and crying gets rid of so many pent up emotions and fears that we carry around during our treatment times.

    Much of what you are feeling is the fear of the unknown....and that feel is so real.  I was so afraid of chemo that I made myself sick before I ever got to the first one.  I also suppose that I was in the minority when I finished my last chemo and cried on my way out of the room.  I was so afraid that it would come back immediately without the chemo and felt so helpless because I didn't know what else I could do to keep the beast away.  See?  Your feelings and fears are so normal under these circumstances.  Come here often and talk to others who have been through the things that you're facing. Kathy just explained the wire procedure to you.  When you know what you're facing, it's so much easier to surge ahead and do what needs to be done to get through all of this.  When you know what's going to happen to you, it removes much of the fear.

    I am now almost a 6 year survivor (in November).  I was the biggest wimp in the world and I made it through the surgeries, the chemo, and the radiation.  You can do it, too.  You will have your ups and your downs along the way, but you'll keep moving toward the end of the treatments, etc., and you will eventually get back to your life and days when you don't even think about cancer. 

    Rita

  • koz123
    koz123 Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2012

    i am fairly new to this chemo crap . I was diagnosed in july 2011 and had a mascetomy of the left breast on Jan.26 2012.  I got the port in on april25 and started chemo on april 30th.  I am taking carboplatin and Taxotere at 3 week intervals for 3 or 4 monthes cant remember. I also have to take the herceptin each week for a year.  They started me on neupogen shots 10 days after chemo.  My first round was horrible and I ended up in hosopital with anemia and dehydration neede extra fluids and 4 pints of blood.  I am a bit nervous starting the second round next week I dont want all the side effects again so harsh.  Doc, stated adjustments will be made so that wont happen again.  Also have to go through radiation ater chemo. Just need some help and encouragement god bless you all and thanks knowing i am not alone is great relief.

  • pj-33
    pj-33 Member Posts: 1
    edited June 2012

    aww its gonna get easier koz...or u just learn to quickly adapt. i was diagnosed in oct 2011 had double mascetomy in nov 2011 had my port put in jan 2012 and i did my last chemo on march 21st. then spent a week in hosp with a blood infection. im fixing to start my tamoxifen in a few weeks. in my experience with chemo the first was the worst. that and constipation. u have to be so careful of the few days after the shot cuz of the low white cells. just remember rest and plenty of fluids. also a very warm blanket. i opted to not have the radiation. my body has just been thru so much in the past six months. if u hav any questions or concerns i would b more than happy to give my version. good luck and god bless

  • misslene
    misslene Member Posts: 16
    edited June 2012

    Ladies, I am happy to report that I survived surgery on Friday and I just had my drain out today! The wire placement sucked--I ended up having two wires placed, but the wires weren't what hurt, it was all the anaesthesia shots that hurt! Now I'm waiting till Tuesday to get my pathology report and see if we have clean margins--and if we have the clean margins, then it's on to radiation in a few weeks.

    I'm in much better mental state now that surgery is over. Thank you to everyone who responded to my orignal post--I appreciate the support so much!

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