How do did you "RE" define yourself? Need some tips.

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cs34
cs34 Member Posts: 253
edited June 2014 in Life After Breast Cancer
How do did you "RE" define yourself? Need some tips.
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  • cs34
    cs34 Member Posts: 253
    edited June 2012

    I have had so much aside from the breast cancer going on. I decide today to remove the focus from "him" and put it back onto myself and THAT makes me have hot flashes, heart race and want to run and hide. 

    I am a woman who is currently single after an eight year relationship that broke up because it had to, not because I wanted it to (drug addiction on his part), I have no breasts, scars all over and I am 60lbs overweight.

    Where do I start in redefining myself after breast cancer? I went through it all like a freight train and figured I'd go back and deal with the emotions I tucked away so neatly and then I got "sidetracked" by his addiction, loss of him, loss of my home, loss of what I thought my life was supposed to be. 

    I have a blank canvas sitting in front of me waiting to be defined which is exciting but and I'm a scared, insecure, mess.

    Would love to hear what others have done.  (One thing I did do was put a book on hold that I will get today so I can work on my codependent ways and fix that but I'm not sure if diving into my verbally torturous childhood is something I really want to do right now to fix the codependency...) 

    Would love to hear what others did to re-define their lives.  

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  • Natee
    Natee Member Posts: 18
    edited June 2012

    Wow, you've had a lot going on...

    I read a LOT of self-help books...

    I left a my marriage of 30 years four years ago, never been on my own - ever! Had to do it for me...

    Toughest thing I ever did, turned out to be the best thing I ever did.

    Be kind with yourself, it takes a while to just find youself, I did a lot of walking out in nature, did a lot of thinking about what it was in me, how did I get to where I am today, many days it was just taking one day at a time

    never forget - cancer made us STRONG

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  • cs34
    cs34 Member Posts: 253
    edited June 2012

    Thank you Natee. Wow. 30 years. Good for you to rebuild!! I'm so happy for you. Lots of dark moments though, right?

    Leaving him is gut wrenchingly difficult but as I follow through during those decisive moments to choose better for myself, I get more sad but more empowered. It's weird.

    I ignorantly forget that I am not the only woman who's had to rebuild. I tend to think that others can "handle" things much better than me so it makes me feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this. I told myself with the breast cancer, "You're not the first woman and unfortunately, you won't be the last!" Makes me feel less alone.

    When you said that you thought about what it was in you that got you to where you were (as I am asking myself the same thing - hence the codependent boook), I think that I beat myself for so many things and I'm afraid that I cannot revamp in a healthy way. I cannot constructively see my faults or things that have to get fixed...I will just beat the crap out of myself. 

    OKKKK! #1 lesson - be kind to myself when trying to learn from my mistakes. Smile 

    Thank you Nattee!!!  

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  • Natee
    Natee Member Posts: 18
    edited June 2012

    Dark moments? Oh yeah, first six months I cried every day

    You'll get thru it too, you're not alone in this...mine was a cheater and realizing now, a verbal abuser for many many years

    Can't remember the name of the book on co-dependency, probably the same one you got,really recognized myself in it, don't beat yourself up over what you did or didn't do, it's in the past and you did the best you could at the time, remember that, you did the best with what you had to work with, you'll come out on the other side just like you did with your cancer

    lesson #2 - forgive yourself for what you did or didn't do :)

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