I'm not coping well with my moms cancer

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Phoebecat520
Phoebecat520 Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

This is hard for me to write. I am not very good at sharing my feelings at all so here we go...about 2 months ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My first thought was "why her" she is the most undeserving person for this I could imagine. She and my dad have to take care of my almost 17 year old sister who has autism (which is not a walk in the park), we are tight on money and have been since I can remember, and she has me-her pain in the ass 18 year old daughter who can't seem to get ahold of herself during this hard time. She is a saint and I feel terrible for the way I am handling this. Its not me who has cancer, its my mom. I am constantly angry and depressed. I'm taking my moods out on not only my family but my friends. I know my mom will be fine, theres a 98% survival rate for what she has...but I still find myself wondering "what if?" I cant seem to pull myself out of this black mood. I am just having a really tough time with this whole ordeal and I can't talk to my mom about it, simply for the fact that I am embaressed. My mom and I have always has troubles with communicating with each other. My dad says that its because we are exactly alike and opposites attract but likes repel. I feel like i'm all alone. I could really use some advice. 

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  • mebmarj
    mebmarj Member Posts: 380
    edited June 2012

    Sorry to hear your news. Breast cancer sucks. It is hard enough being a teen without added complications, especially someone's health in the family. Is there an adult you trust to talk to about all this? It is a handful to deal with, especially since you said it has been rough relationship with your mom. Thing is, you need her and she needs you. If you don't think you can talk to her, write your thoughts down. Read them over the next day and see if you are ready to give them to her. Go from there.

    Another alternative is counseling. It has helped a number of people and this may be the thing to work for your situation. Best wishes to you and your family.

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  • Phoebecat520
    Phoebecat520 Member Posts: 5
    edited June 2012
    I can talk to my Dad and my Aunt. Its just hard to say anything because I feel like i'm always wrong for feeling the way that I feel. Also thank you so much for your well wishes, its weird for me to be here writing on this website and im acctually shocked that anyone anwered. I've always read things on forums but never participated. Its nice to know that people care, so thank you Smile
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  • overjoyed4life
    overjoyed4life Member Posts: 239
    edited June 2012

    Dear Phoebecat520,

    My heart breaks for you. I can tell that you love your mother deeply. My sons were 16 and 22 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.  They had a hard time with it at first also. But the fact is, your mom needs all the support you can possibly give her right now. Put your feelings into a journal, start from the first day you found out. It may not seem like it now but an experience like this can bring your family closer together. We are here whenever you need us. Keep us posted.

    Best wishes

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  • Kimmie32
    Kimmie32 Member Posts: 15
    edited June 2012

    My mom was recently dx so I think I know how you feel. Do you have thoughts that don't reflect on her but on you and what your life will be like? I am 32 no siblings but I have 2 kids of my own. Still I feel those moments when my thoughts are not about her but about me. Either way you are not alone as I am quickly learning there is support in the most uncommon places. :-)

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  • Melrosemelrose
    Melrosemelrose Member Posts: 3,018
    edited June 2012

    Phoebecat520 - I'm the mom of a 21 yr old daughter and 18 yr old son and the one doing whatever I have to do to heal from the cancer.  My daughter is attending college in NJ and son leaves for Mass this fall for his freshman year in college.  I had to tell my daughter this past spring by telephone my diagnosis which was not easy to do.  I also sat down with my son and told him what was happening since he would be home finishing his senior year in high school and still living at home.  I told both of them that the best way for them to help and support me was to continue on with their lives--- they each had goals for school/college/careers and needed to do their best.  I also told them that there would be times I would need their help either by doing things for me or letting me tell them how I felt and not to be afraid to ask me questions.  I also told them that if they should feel free to talk to anyone they needed to so they could get the emotional support from their friends.  I also told them that whenever they could, they should just pitch in and help with cleaning the dishes, unpacking the dishwasher, washing clothes and not be asked.  In short, just offer to help and do it.  I know that talking to your mom may not be easy since I know from personal experience that forging a relationship with my daughter has been a work in progress.  She and I talk almost everyday on the phone and we both work at it.  Do we fight and have disagreements---- YES and it drives everyone else crazy but we don't care since we don't take it personally.   We have worked hard to get to this place of having the kind of relationship we have but it hasn't been overnight.   Both of us know how much we love and care for each other so it doesn't matter. 

    You seem to be a pretty smart young woman since you know what you are doing and how you are feeling and really want to do something about it.You can choose to pick yourself up and carry on in a positive way from here on out and do it in small steps.  No one expects a dramatic overnight change but taking the first baby steps to get the communication lines open are one way to get started.   Perhaps just a hug to start things moving in a positive direction will help you and your mom move forward.  If you ever need to chat, you can always private message me.  I'm happy to be your sounding board and help you in anyway I can. 

    HUGS to you .... just because....

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  • patti13
    patti13 Member Posts: 89
    edited June 2012

    phoebecat - you did very well in communicating what you are feeling - and i'll bet your mom knows how much you love and care.  it will get better - promise.  the ladies on this forum are the best - please let us know how you and your mom are doing.  you'll both get thru this.

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  • Phoebecat520
    Phoebecat520 Member Posts: 5
    edited June 2012

    I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It's nice to hear that I'm not doing anything wrong.

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  • riley702
    riley702 Member Posts: 1,600
    edited June 2012

    No, you're not doing anything wrong! And your feelings aren't wrong, either. They simply are. Most people don't react exactly the same about anything. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself with your expectations.

    I've always been able to talk to my Mom - it was my Dad I butted heads with constantly. And I didn't want to hear it, but yes, it was because we were so much alike! It's a source of pride, now. My Dad died in 2003 of lung cancer 9 months after diagnosis. I definitely didn't handle it well when he called to tell me. I literally screamed and started crying. I wish I'd handled it better, but I work in a hospital as a Respiratory Therapist and knew it was almost certainly a death sentence.

    I was diagnosed in 2010 and remember hating having to call Mom to tell her, and yes, she started crying. And I remember being secretly relieved I would never have to tell my Dad. Sigh. Families can be complicated.

    All of the advice above is good. Just try not to pull away from your Mom because you don't think you're handling it "correctly". She needs you and you need her. Even if it's awkward at first. You might ask your Dad to broach the subject with your Mom, that you don't know what to say, etc.

    Please keep posting and let us know how you and your family are doing. (((hugs)))

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  • GraciousGal
    GraciousGal Member Posts: 83
    edited June 2012

    Phoebecat,

    Sorry to hear about your mom. Glad you found this site. It is a good place for you - and your mom (if she's interested). Like Carolyn said (above): your feelings aren't wrong. Keep that in mind. Own those feelings, identify them and then figure out why you have them. Try to find the root problem, and then either fix it, or recognize that it is something you have to accept. It's the serenity prayer: God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

    So it's not the feelings that are right or wrong - it's the way we handle them, our behavior, that is right or wrong. You are on the brink of adulthood. Behave like one and make your parents (esp. your mom) proud! 

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