Hugs, Flat Chests, and Foobs

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sbelizabeth
sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
edited June 2014 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy

I live in Southern California, where everybody hugs everybody.  All the time.  It's a serious breach in SoCal protocol if you don't hug someone in greeting.  It drives me nuts, and it was worse when I was on chemo.  I kept thinking of all the happy viruses that were leaping onto my clothes and skin from those hugs.

So now I'm one short of a pair.  How do you allow people to hug you without revealing #1--you are missing one or more breasts, and #2--you are wearing one or more prosthetic breasts?  Wear a sign, "Don't hug me!"?

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  • jo50
    jo50 Member Posts: 75
    edited June 2012

    Not sure anyone would realise you are now mono-boobed, but even if they did my feeling would be well, too bad. If they want to get in close enough for a tight hug then they need to be OK with whatever they find when they get there. On the other hand you could do a quick side step and say something like "oops, just had a little surgery and I'm still feeling a bit ouchy". Around here I get hugs, but they tend not to be tight squeezes, more like a hug version of an air kiss. And while you might feel the difference if you are wearing a foob, but not sure a hugger would know the difference. A lot more worrying I will agree while you were doing chemo. I did avoid dodgy things (salad bars, cat litter box) and places (nursing homes) while at low count time during chemo. Not sure if it made a difference but I wasn't taking the chance. Just had a strange (and inappropriate vision) of Madonna in her pointy space bra phase - bet no-one was hugging her then!

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  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited June 2012

    I have decided that it really isn't my problem. I wear fiber foobs. It probably feels a little funny to people who hug me, but they will most likely forget the brief weirdness quickly.

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  • River_Rat
    River_Rat Member Posts: 1,724
    edited June 2012

    I get hugs all the time and nobody has seem to notice whether I'm flat or wearing foobs.  A lot regular bras are so stiffly padded that I think people are used to a variety and therefore don't really register a difference.

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  • BikerLee
    BikerLee Member Posts: 355
    edited June 2012

    Hugging is less germy than high fives and hand shakes!!!  Around here, it was HANDS I was nervous about.  So, I would just hold my hands up and say - sorry - I'm immune compromised...  And when people came to my office, I just handed them foam before letting them settle in.  For people uncomfortable with foam, I requested they go wash their hands.  No one gave me a hard time about that - phew!

    And if someone is hugging you to the point that they can tell that you have a foob... Uhm... maybe that's a little creepy?  How do you people hug over there in So Cal????  Ha ha  - just joking with you a little.  Seriously, tho, I don't usually notice the detail contours of the body I'm hugging...  Usually, I notice scents and heat (or lack of heat).... 

    I'm flat.  I go without any kind of anything...  When I was sore, I did the one arm self hug across my chest and one arm around my hugger.  Worked well.  Never had any problems.  Just hugged a little more with the one arm... and if anyone seemed to notice I was protecting my chest... well, I just said - still sore!

    I notice you're on a bike in your profile pic - what kind of bike do you ride?  I gave a couple of my jerseys away after surgery - one had plenty of room for a pair....  and just looked funny on me after!

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited June 2012

    It is breach of common decency/sense (as far as I'm concerned) to arbirtarily attack someone's personal space and the grab their body "just because you want".



    Unfortunately - today something that does/did actually have a meaning of care/love has been taken over for no logical reason.



    Hugs are VERY personal (to me anyay) and not the same as a verbal howdy/see ya later or a hand shake. There are quite a few 'Sons' (late 20's/ early 30's friends but not our bio sons) who when they see me will yell Mom and run up and hug me. I've been known to do the same to them at times too.)



    Hugs are SPECIAL! And not appropriate for those we don't even 'know' most of the time - sometimes yes -but not always!

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  • greenfrog
    greenfrog Member Posts: 269
    edited June 2012

    Oh dear Kicks you'd better not come to Europe then because we kiss strangers too! Sometimes three times!

    My only concern about hugs and close physical contact is my own discomfort from scar pain. Not bothered what the hugger/huggee can or can't feel.

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited June 2012

    sbelizabeth - I'm a hugger, and a germophobe. I also have horrid asthma, and hugging certain people can be a real crapshoot!

    1) They're contagious with something but insist they're not (and don't tell you they've had some vile stomach virus until they've hugged and kissed you)

    2) They're wearing perfume or aftershave that is so strong they had to have marinated in it overnight. Some of my dearest friends wear such strong perfume it smells like cat pee. And even though they say "Oh, I didn't wear any today!" (in deference to me) it's in their hair, their pores, their clothes, and I have to go home and bathe afterwards just to get the smell off me.

    But I digress! Tongue out

    Do you WANT to be hugged? Because if not, you don't have to. I do get the SoCal hugger habit (lived there for 5 years), and have BTDT myself.

    Right after my surgery, I just crossed my hands over my chest and said "Sorry, not yet!"

    When I got better, I would do the "side hug", where nothing would get smooshed.

    Now I have in rock-hard TEs, and I'm waiting for someone to yell "OW" and back off quickly because I've injured them with these baseballs. One of my granddaughters bumped her head on my chest and I was sure I gave her a concussion.

    Now, if you WANT to be hugged, then just do it.

    I can't IMAGINE anyone even thinking about what's under your shirt when they hug you. Other people are too self-absorbed to be thinking about things like that.

    Of course, there's always the "teepee" hug, where your shoulders sort of touch but your bodies are three feet apart...

    Or maybe one of these?

    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/hugs

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited June 2012

    Greenfrog - I lived in France 3 yrs as a child and the cheek kiss/touch is not a problem to me at all. To me anyway - there is a HUGE difference between a centuries old tradition and what some within a few years have decided to do by grabbing an clinging on you.



    Grabbed and immobilized as many do 'here' now is very diffeent. Never happened to me until relatively recently - other than within the family or friends - not just somebody you had/had not met before.



    Do I ever hug - Do I ever want/need hugs - -you betcha. But that 's special times with special people.



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  • crystalphm
    crystalphm Member Posts: 1,138
    edited June 2012

    What an interesting subject! I too live in a world of huggers. The hugs are nice, I would not want to be "hugless".

    But what I did after surgery was smile and say gentle hugs please...and I never had a problem.

    Honestly though, as I usually choose to be flat now (double mastectomy) I can indeed feel women's breast when we hug, so I wonder what they feel when I have various foobs on? I wonder which prosthesis is most "huggable"?

    I don't worry about it, but I do sometimes notice someone who hugged me often before now avoids that, I wonder if i feel creepy to them?

    Usually I am so upbeat, there really isn't any awkwardness though///

    Good subject!

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited June 2012

    I do not want to go hugless- but that is a huge difference between those I WANT to hug me or I hug and those who attack me to play whatever their game is. All 'my Sons' know what I've been through and that hugs are great. I've never asked what does my 'real' side' feel like as opposed to the pros. (These are my SONS)

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  • dreaming
    dreaming Member Posts: 473
    edited June 2012

    Have anybody read the story[ Daily Mail OK] of a woman in Oregon  that when she uses the public pool, would not require to wear a bikini top[any top] because of her double mastectomy ,  she has a flat chest, she tells her scars hurt with a top. No idea what she wears everyday, What is your opinion?

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  • MT1
    MT1 Member Posts: 371
    edited June 2012

    I don't have either breast anymore and it is funny to see how folks come at me for a hug. Before the surgery, I would just full body hug, I am a hugger. Now, folks come for a hug, but do that hollow round arm sort of hug, as if my chest is hurt! 

    Perhaps you might just tell folks you perfer a high five greeting. You don't have to hug or touch anyone, no matter the expectations. 

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  • River_Rat
    River_Rat Member Posts: 1,724
    edited June 2012

    Dreaming, there's a new thread started by dressager which I think is discussing the case you're speaking of but it's in Seattle rather than Oregon.

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited June 2012

    My DH is immune-compromised due to massive doses of steriods for kidney disease.

    He does the Howie Mandel fist-bump instead of a hug, then inconspicuously slathers on the hand sanitizer.

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  • wallycat
    wallycat Member Posts: 3,227
    edited June 2012

    Dreaming, it is Seattle:

    http://www.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_c2#/video/us/2012/06/22/topless-breast-cancer-survivor.komo 

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited June 2012

    BikerLee--I ride both mountain (Trek Superfly 29-er) and rode bikes (Trek Pilot) and I by far prefer mountain.  No one's going to run me down in their car!  It's been such a great activity to keep my spirits up and my weight managed during this breast cancer thing.  Even during chemo, I rarely missed a day of riding. 

    Since I had a unilateral mastectomy, until I can get reconstructed and have the other one removed at the same time, I'm uneven, and I hate it.  I wear a sports bra with a fiberfilled foob on the empty side, just to look ok.  My other boob is large enough that you can really tell my jersey is leaning to one side if I don't.

    My husby showed me an online photo of the Seattle woman, sans bikini top.  I say, good for her.  It's not pink tulle and fluffy and encased in rosy ribbons, but this is what breast cancer looks like.  I don't think that's her agenda, but why should she be in pain and hide what cancer did to her? 

    Blessings2011, you totally cracked me up.  In fact, all of you did.  Thanks so much for responding to my question, I have a better perspective now!

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