it's been quite a year

Orangemat - I guess you could say it is a start..........it's all baby steps.  Two steps forward and one step back.......like most of life!!

    I come on but don't always write. I feel the same that this is a place where everyone gets what I am going through, I think my family and Friends are just sick of hearing about BC. For me it was such a life changing experience to go through I feel the need to talk about it..an to be honest some of the crap people "talk' about is boring and meaningless and mundane to me now!

    I still have problems sleeping combination anixiety or joint pain. I don't feel the same so getting back to "normal" is hard when you don't know what normal is anymore. I was out of work and job searching before I got diagnosed, so I am really floating in a sea of nothing lol

thanks for listening everyone

jittersmom- I had been job hunting when dx, too, so "floating in a sea of nothing" is a great description.  I know I use BCO not just for support but also to fill that void.  It's my therapy and my coffee klatch.  Going through BC can be isolating in itself but not working makes it even more so.  I think this place staves off that loneliness and helps me feel connected with someone and something.

Does anyone watch "The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet" on Lifetime?  She had Christina Applegate on who was talking about her BC and MX.  Two things stood out to me.  She is the first one I've ever heard that said despite great recon it's just not the same and won't ever be.  She said she has a real disconnect with that part of her body.  The other thing that stood out to me was her need to somehow become involved with helping other women going through BC.  She has started a foundation which helps underprivelaged women receive necessary medical care.  I don't know but I think that's somehow Christina's BCO.  Most of us aren't in a position to start our own foundation but are trying to help other women in our own way and are helping ourselves in the process.  I think Christina is also helping herself through her foundation.  I don't think we ever need to apologize for feeling the need to come here, talk about and talk about it some more.  I'll keep doing it as long as it feels healthy and cathartic for me for me to read and post.

Hi everyone, 

Orangemat, thanks for starting this thread, and for your excellent contributions. The fact that so many are posting here, is a sure sign that there is a huge need for it.

This truly is a life-changing experience. You can never be the same afterwards. Like the rest of you, I sometimes feel such a fake when I smile and act as if everything is okay, while inside there is still such turmoil going on. It is almost like I am two different people! Yes, we are past treatment and yes, we are stronger and living our lives again as best as we can. Is there a choice? What the hell else can we do? Nobody outside this circle knows what it feels like to be so confronted with your own mortality, or how hard you try to keep away from that black dog that will be on your trail for the rest of your life. The doctors tell you you are fine now, but there is always that little voice that speaks up, mainly at night when you're trying to sleep: Will I get it again? Where will I get it? When will I get it? In what form will it come back? Etc. etc. This must be almost impossible to understand if you're not in this position, so I am always trying to put myself into the shoes of the people confronted by my illness, and to not judge them too harshly. It is nobody's fault that I got cancer.

I hope that one day I will reach a point where I will not feel that weird compulsion to talk about it any more. I hope that as time goes by, it will fade from my mind, and not take up so much space and energy. Lastly I hope to get so far ahead of that black dog that he is not even a speck in the distance any more . . .

Welcome liefie.  I totally relate to what you said in your posts.

crystalphm...It is almost like we also had a mutation in our brain's isn't it?  The way we see the world has changed forever....sometimes it is in a good way, like having more appreciation and gratitude for the little things.  And sometimes it is in a more negative way, like when we get nervous about any little bump or lump. 

crytalphm and jittersmom- I am also a teacher in a preschool which includes children with special needs. I have been back at work for 6 months and there are definitely things that are harder now than before cancer. But I missed it so much when I was out on leave and am so happy to be back there now. I would miss it too much to leave. I hope you find a job that makes you happy; that is what is most important.

SuzyBlue, I don't know the answer to your intriguing last question, but I've often been wondering about my odds. Was diagnosed with two different cancers simultaneously last December, endometrial as well as breast cancer. My obgyn said that he had never seen this in his 20 years of practise, and other specialists said the same. As if that was not enough, I bled internally overnight after the first surgery, the hysterectomy, losing half the blood in my body. I was sent home like that, because nobody in the hospital had picked it up, even though I was so pale, weak, and fainted when I tried to get up. Long story short, at home my husband, a fam. physician, immediately saw what was going on, had a CBC done and my HB came back at 59 - normal is 120. Was rushed back to hospital by ambulance for three blood transfusions. I could have died then, but here I still am. Guess what I'm trying to say is that I have had my fair share already, don't you think? LOL. Only joking. Here are many people on this forum who have endured much more than me, and in this business there are simply no guarrantees. We just have to forge ahead and make the best of it.

jittersmom- I think every medical appointment, test and procedure just dredges it all up again.  I do believe most of us are suffering from some mild (or severe in some cases) PTSD and these events trigger a flashback in some ways.  Then there's the frustration of feeling like your life is centered around medical issues once more.  And maybe even anger at the expense of it all.  So, yes, been there and done that.  Since MX I've also dealt with fibroids, hypothyroidism and now LE.  (When did I get so old and decrepit?!?!)  Each time I found myself processing some old emotions again.  I hope everything turns out o.k. for you with the leg pain like my foot pain did.  (((hugs)))

I like the idea of falling together too.  So much has changed in the past year.  I had a revision of my reconstruction today and feel great relief at knowing I am further down the road. This has been the most painful of the surgeries but my spirits are the best too.  I realize how strong I have become, but it is more than that. I think I have adjusted, to some degree, to the loss of my breast.  I know I have come closer to accepting that yes, I had cancer and it could come back.  Devastating thought but true. 

Yet, it is in the reevaluating of my priorities and reassessing of relationships where I feel the most has changed. And sometimes that is hard and you get lonely, but mostly is it good, in that it feels solid. It is hard to describe. I believe my reassessing has put me back on track and in some ways a new track.  I don't have to worry about things I can't control.  I don't have to orchestrate and manage so much.  My faith has deepened (that took awhile) and I am able to see people and their character much more easily.  Riff raff has moved on.  I am just excited about the direction my life is taking and truthfully, the outside has not changed nearly as much as the inside.  And it really did start with BC.  So to go back to the original post, I definitely feel life has changed and it is hard to put your finger on it. I am starting to feel greater satisfaction with life.  

I agree too Orangemat that doing things we love is so very freeing.  And there is no guilt now about taking the time to do those things, although sometimes there is just not enough time in the day.

One year from my MX June 30th or as I like to say - one year NED!

There is a framed poster in my PT's office that says something similar...."Sometimes things fall apart so that things can fall together."  Funny that it should turn up here too.  I said that to myself, almost like a mantra, many times over the past year.  As awful as this year of the bc has been, I think that I have found more of my wisdom.  I've learned to really listen to my heart and the innate instincts  of my body.

Congratulations MyBee on your coming 1 yr. anniversary.  I just passed mine on the 15th.  It was a day of reflection and celebration for me.

Jitters...I too have leg pain.  Lots of cramping and aching.  Could be menopause exacerbated by the tamoxifen...don't know.  My foot is cramping as I write this.  Need to get up and move around some.

Everyone, have a wonderful day and try to stay cool.  Looks like the hot is over a lot of the nation this week.  It was 108 here yesterday afternoon.  

I love this thread.  I love the honest openness of our words.  Thank you all. 

Orangemat, I think we find taking care of ourselves very intimidating now because we have gone through the "unthinkable". We have never had cancer in our family, this was beyond my wildest nightmares. So now we are left shell-shocked, uneasy.

I don't expect to ever get "over this". I mean I have no breasts, that is something you just don't smile and "get over". But I do expect to live my life fully with happiness and joy, and hopefully always have a place here with all of you to cope witht he darker moments.

I am so excited you are running!

I like your attitude Orangemat!