it's been quite a year
Comments
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Suzyblue...What you said in your last post is spot on and very beautifully written. It does get better and easier. You are still so early in the process. Time does heal. That said, it is not always easy. I still have moments of fear and worry and sadness. But they pass.
What orangemat said about our world being in constant change is so right. I also practice yoga (not an instructor) and the practice of recognizing and remembering that our reality changes by the instant every instant is one of the things that helped me navigate the past year. We tend to live in a macro world, seeing only the big picture and often things seem static. We get comfortable with the way things are, or not, when in reality, nothing is static. Everything is always changing and mutating at a micro level. We breathe in and we breathe out. Our cells are dying and new ones are being born every moment. This is where the concept of living in the moment really comes from. If we are truly living in our present reality, we are not looking back or looking ahead, but fully experiencing that single moment in time. It helps me to remember that what I perceive as my reality will change and transform with or without my being aware. Somehow it helps to know that what I perceive as "bad" will change. Does that make sense?
Suzy..Wow...you are getting married to your best friend. What an awesome gift. Hang on to that. Let the wonder of your love and the life that you hope to build together in the future give you hope and strength. No, it may not be the life you envisioned before last December. But what's to say that it will not be better, be richer and more meaningful because of what you have been through? Enjoy the moments and I bet the two of you will be able to handle whatever reality you face.
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Suzy, I understand completely how you feel. I felt as if you were righting a story about my emotional state. This diagnosis has robbed me of my innocence, so to speak. I liked the unknown better. I liked not knowing that I have a disease that could kill me someday, could probably won't. That is not to say that something else may be what gets me in the end. I just liked being in the dark.
I know that I could fall down the stairs or get hit crossing the street. I was ok with that, it was all circumstancial, not concrete, not here, it could happen. I liked being innocent in that respect.
I also feel as if my body has let me down, Big Time! I would work out 5 days a week, almost 1 1/2 hrs each time, eat right, don't drink, don't smoke and that wasn't enough. It's all a crap shoot, that and the environment we live in, stress etc.
Ok I have rambled on long enough! Have a great day ladies! -
There are so many beautiful things beng said here it is hard to respond. Suzy - I believe Orangemat and openheart gave about the best responses possible. You described very well the pain that you are in. It is all so new. Things will get better and they will improve. You are right to grieve and mourn as we all are; we have lost our innocence, the way things were. But such is life. We go forward. Keep communication open with your partner. It is SO important in a time of great change.
Lauren - I went through a time last year when I was very flip and could joke about my MX. It was right in the beginning, a bit of dark humor. I joked about taking melons and making 'melonade'. It was part of my own denial of what I was going through AND I think it was to make others comfortable because I could sense they didn't know what to make of what I was going through. For other women it was too scary for them. That timeof flippancy passed. Don't be around or at least limit your time with the insensitive; life is too short.
Orangemat - I like so much of what you are talking about when you discuss change and life. I am struggling to find peace.
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You know Orangemat: I have bee giving the chat lines a lot of thought lately. Now, I'm still fairly new and thought, naturally, this was the place for me but before I found all you wonderful ladies, and you are, I was not half as anxious, now aware of some horrible situations that a lot of you ladies are in. I cry a lot over everybody. I'm in Canada, Idon't have to worry about finances, I'm an emotional wreck, but for me, I tend to agree with you and some others that it is not good for ME to come on everyday; it's a CONSTANT reminder which I don't need. However, and that's a big however, I feel like I'm a bit ADDICTED.... I feel I should be here to support so many of you who are ina worse situation than me...not that I'm minimizing my situation though....somebody please put this all in perspective for us all.
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Scottiee1....I know the feeling. This place is addicting, and I, like you, like to feel as though I am lending support to others. I still learn much from these boards and I have made some cyber friends that I like to check on and converse with. I sometimes wonder if continuing to check in here is making my progression through this bc thing slower. I just don't know. I just passed my year mark last week and I still have some "processing" to do and this is a wonderful, safe, supportive place to to that.
It is hard not to internalize the pain and suffering of others. I won't say that I am grateful for my cancer because I have grown and learned ..... I am NOT grateful for the cancer. I would have much rather learned these lessons another way!! But I am so grateful for my "relatively easy" road compared to others and seeing how other women deal with their dx and treatments is inspiring and helpful to me. Back when I was just lurking and not posting, it was easier to come and go...just check in now and again. But once I started contributing to dialogs, I want to see others' responses. There is give and take.
I think I'll continue to take this one step at a time, one moment at a time and go with where my heart takes me. There may be a day when I can log out and move away from the computer, but not today.
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1openheart - I'm with you. I believe these boards continue to bring me healing and hope! Sometimes I try to stay away, but I need the support. I have a friend who went through BC without any support. Two years later, she is an emotional mess. I feel like I am processing my emotions as I go - at least I hope so. I started my Blog to help myself and at the same time help others.
Never can I go back to who I was before BC. Sometimes I wish I could, but if I really think about it, do I really? I'll have to ask myself that question 5 years from now. Right now I don't know the answer!
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Sometimes I wonder if, without these boards, would I be seeking support, friendship and companionship elsewhere? Meaning - would I be making more of an effort? Or would I just be walking around, a ghostly emotional mess with no one to talk to? It is addictive to come here, truly. But I love knowing this is here for me. I feel I would be lost without this support.
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mybee... our dx and surgery are almost the same days. My dx. was 4/28 and my UMX was 6/15 of last year. Have you considered joining a support group?
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I was fairly lucky. I didn't need chemo or rads. I really didn't think a support group would be a good fit with that. Also - at the time, my treatment provider was over an hour away. My tx is closer now and I see a counselor at the Cancer ctr. and also get Reiki every now and then. My focus has been elsewhere than my cancer this past year due to some awful rel. issues I experienced.
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Yes, I did not need chemo or rads either and it can feel weird to be in a group where you are considered the "lucky" one. I am not in a support group per say, but I have had lunch with a group of women from my town who are involved with the BCRC (breast cancer resource center). It is very enjoyable and we talk about lots of things...not just bc. I have not had Reiki, but my myofascial PT utilizes many types of body work and there are some reiki elements to it.
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I am soothed by all of your thoughts. I am also "addicted" to these boards, but I am sure it is because I need the support and validation that my feelings are real and make sense.
I am going to try to not overthink why I "need" to be here. I have spent too much of my life overthinking, so now I just want to be here because it feels good.
Interestingly enough, today i was with a friend I see once a month, we have known each other for 30 years and we both had large babies (10 pounds. 30 years ago) and guess what? We both ended up talking about that birth experience again. It is life altering. So is losing my breasts. And like others here, I don't talk about that crushing pain too much anymore, I just smile and move forward. Which might not be the right thing either.
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crystalphm....it is the right thing if it feels like the right thing to YOU.
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Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I too have been a ghost through these threads until recently when I decided to add my voice. And yes, I have wondered if I am picking at the wounds to come here and read the pain and fear inside some of us, but I think that goes hand in hand with the inspiration and supportive comfort to be gained by being with others truly in the know. It seems we will each know when the time comes to let go of this hand that holds us.
I have joined a support group, somewhat reluctantly, but it turns out to be more about having speakers in to talk about bras or swimming than talking amongst ourselves, and it doesn't fulfill the need I have to listen and be heard. I must say though that there is a cross section of dx and tx but never any suggestion that you might not belong if you are further down the scale of severity - who could possibly judge what effect any form of BC has on the woman afflicted.
I need something to help me get to the next level of acceptance so I can re-embrace my life, my poor poor body and my sense of self, and I believe being here with all you wise and warm women is going to make that happen.......eventually.
PS. I am very happy to be marrying the best man I have ever known - who also happened to be the best man at my first wedding! -
Another nugget of wisdom I've kept with me from my yoga education: when in doubt (on the spiritual path), serve. I don't know if this is a Christian tenet or what, but something about that one little teaching really resonated with me. Selfless service. Or rather, dedication to a cause, without looking to seek any benefit from your actions. One of the reasons why I run, I guess. To be part of the big picture of things.
I think the reason we like to come here is that we feel we do indeed belong. But as I've said many times before, we are not our diagnoses. I think sometimes, of the friendships I've made due to circumstance, would I continue to be friends with those people if the circumstances would cease to exist? I recently went to a BCO get-together and met 15 of my never-before-met BFFs. Now would I really feel so close and connected to these women if we didn't share this horrendous disease? Tough question, I know. I think, in most cases, the answer would be no.
Now understand, I don't mean that the friendships and relationships we've made in this safe haven are false or superficial, not at all. Just that we need to be discerning about them. Plainly put, it's like the cliche of falling in love with one's therapist. It's not the teacher, but the teachings that we love. So how do you take only the comfort part out of this place and not become dependent on it? Like I said at the start: serve. Come in, do good, then go back out and live our lives. Our lives are GOOD. We are not our diagnoses, yet our diagnoses and treatments have indeed changed us. If our friends and family cannot see past that, we can't be spending any extra energy on helping them catch up with us. We need all we can muster to keep moving forward ourselves.
Heh, I guess this is why I run.
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Thanks for starting this thread, my 1st year was last week. You ladies said things how I feel but couldn't have said them as well. Thank you!
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As you might have noticed, I haven't been around for a day or so. I'm liking what you're all saying about not being on every day. It makes total sense. I can come here when I need to, but not feel obligated to get on and post every day (or sometimes 5 or 6 times a day). I know I need to move on. That cancer is a part of me, but isn't me, and doesn't make me the person I am.
Thanks for the wise words. See you in a few days... -
In many ways I think I am moving forward by reading this particular thread and not visiting the actual hard-core cancer/medical discussions, know what I mean? I am letting go of the medical stuff, and coping with the appearance stuff and am now dealing with the emotional stuff, here with all of you.
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Well said, Orangemat!
I have no idea if the friendships I have made on this site would carry over to my non bc life. I probably will never know, because I will most likely not have the opportunity to try to grow the friendships away from this site. I am glad that they are here and that we have connected. I guess we find what we need.
I love your thoughts about serving. I so much agree with you. I have been a hospice volunteer for several years. I took a year off because I was traveling with my husband when he was away for his work and then I had my bc dx. and that took another year. But I am now ready to go back to the hospice work. It is such a privilege to serve in that way. I think I will be a better companion and volunteer because of what I have lived through in the past year.
Lauren, we'll see you when you are around. And you are so right...we are not our cancer. We are affected by it, be we are not defined by it!
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Mybee and 1openheart- my dates are near yours too. Dx on 4/5/11 and BMX on 6/22/11. I used to feel that because I did not have chemo or rads that I did not fit in but after dealing with a frozen shoulder and LE and Femara side effects I have realized that it is not true. We all have our own issues and worst things that have happened to us. I have not been on the boards every day but do like to give and take support when I am on.
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I really liked this: Our lives are GOOD. We are not our diagnoses, yet our diagnoses and treatments have indeed changed us. If our friends and family cannot see past that, we can't be spending any extra energy on helping them catch up with us. We need all we can muster to keep moving forward ourselves.
I liked each part of this. Our lives are GOOD. I do spend an awful lot of energy feeling guilty about changing relationships that I can do very little about. And it does take so much just to move forward myself.
It is interesting we spoke of service tonight. I just joined my church's Monday nite singing group. In the summer we have a Monday service for those that go away on weekends. So tonight..........I sang. It was wonderful. There are only 4 of us in the group, so they are so glad to see me join. Then, I came home, made dinner and baked cookies for myself and the kids. I cannot remember the last time I baked cookies!! These were the really healthy ones with lots of whole grains, but chocolate chips too. Okay, so they were really for me. But I was taking care of myself and that felt good. Also went through my old bras, the A cups, and set them aside for nieces. I'll never be that size again.
This was my best evening in a long, long time. I felt almost like myself. I'm moving forward. Some of it was definitely due to the discussions we have had today. Thanks everyone for the support.
( I too have noticed the similarity in dates.)
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You know, it's a double-edged sword here. On the one hand, I'm really enjoying the discussion and thoughts and revelations we're all sharing with each other. I feel like you're all becoming my friends, for the right reasons. But on the other, we all really need to move on and not linger in these forums. So yes, I'm happy that you haven't been here, Lauren.
And mybee, I am SO glad to hear that you sang and enjoyed yourself. Before I studied yoga, I was a personal trainer, and many of my clients would ask me which activity was "the best" for them to do to get fit, lose weight, etc. I would tell them that it was the one that they enjoyed the most. Immerse yourself in what you love. Who knew I was dispensing yoga philosophy back then as well?
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Hello everyone...I am torn between staying on these threads or not also!..somedays i just need to feel connected to people who "get it"
I went to church for the first time in months and months..I did not wear my wig too hot, my hair is not coming in to fast...It felt good to go back, but it is weird..people either didn't know what to say or you get the usual oh you look good! you have such a nice shaped head! it was interesting, I had a Caringbridge page that i wrote on all during my treatments, and one person came up to me after church and we were talking, she said she had tried to write on my page when i finished rads but it wouldn't let her post.....she told me she had written she wanted her old Dennise back...I looked her in the eye and said well she is gone..and she said i know! i felt like she was one of the few that kinda get it!
well thanks for listening
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The best thing to say to anyone when you don't know what to say is "I'm so happy to see you here today!" No judgments of how someone looks, but still acknowledging that they're here. Now if only there was a subtle and discrete way to educate the general population about this...
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mybee....Your post made me smile this morning. It sounded like you found a little joy last night. Good for you!
Great advice, OM....."I so happy to see you here today". I think if we had the presence of mind and the time to put ourselves in she shoes of those that we are wondering how to address, we would have a better shot at saying the right thing. I am certainly more conscious and aware of how my words (or lack of words) can be interpreted after being on this side of an illness.
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Jittersmom - interesting to read your story. I am a Denise, too. The person who made me most angry was one who wrote me and told me they missed Fun Denise. I was in the middle of Chemo then. That comment made me so mad because I missed her too, but I was no fun during Chemo. This was a church friend as well. Your understanding of your friend made me rethink my anger...
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Hey everyone- I've been away for the weekend and am trying to catch up on here. Lots of powerful posts in the past several days. What struck me was talking about being addicted to BCO and feeling like it was preventing us from moving on. I realized, though reluctantly, that there was probably some truth in that. Not sure I can go cold turkey, though, so went through all my favorite threads and deleted some of them. Maybe every few months I can cut out a few more. I do think this one, though, is helpful in that you don't feel so alone or some kind of freak because the moving on has been such a struggle.
I do feel hopeful, though, that I'll get there soon. My DH and I went to a local resort with a group of friends to celebrate a friend's birthday and mine. (We both have the same birthday.) I found I was able to just have fun, relax and not obsess about BC, LE or body image and didn't struggle to not overshare either. Things actually felt (almost) normal and fun and I guess there was some light there at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I can have a life that doesn't resolve around BC 24/7 and that's the first time I've felt that in over 2 years. I think this process just takes time, less for some and more for others, but it's something we all have to go through. I may be going at a tortoise pace but I know now I'm at least moving forward. Hope you're all finding momentum, too. (((hugs)))
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Kate, I was wondering where you were... if you were just reading quietly without commenting, or just away from the boards and busy living your life. Glad to hear it was mostly the latter. And as much as I've been feeling the advocate for separating myself from this place, I keep coming back anyway... what, to just tell everyone that I'm trying to stay away?? Heh, self-sabotaging at its finest, no doubt.
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Just wanted to let you know that I'm softly, sweetly laughing over here.........as I check for the second time today
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I'm not even going to pretend that this is not my lifeline. I need a safe place to come to, to be able to be my new authentic self in, and this is it. I'm ok with that. I still need sleeping pills too and I have been feeling bad about that, but then I think I just have to be ok with needing the extra help for the time being. I have had a chronic pain condition in all my joints and spine for 14 years and not being able to sleep has been a part of that, made worse by the extra discomfort from the surgeries.
Anyway, I'm here, think I will be staying awhile. -
I am with SuzyBlue, I don't even pretend this is not my lifeline. It is. That said, I am off antidepressants and xanax, and this is a big accomplishment. I check online perhaps 3 times a day, and I really do feel myself getting stronger.
I think I am exploring feelings first with words here, and slowly will begin to speak them.
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