How can we make this truly safe, supportive, judgement-free?

Hi Joy,

Here are my ideas for making this forum safer for those who are vulnerable:

Honor the intention of different posts for different moods or reasons.  Just as a healthy lifestyle contains many elements, so do these forums at bco.   Some debates get hotter than others.  And 'support' is different things to different people.  Some threads are for sharing, some are for debating, some are for support.  Recognize the difference and be respectful.  Don't bring a barbeque to a vegan picnic.  

All the posts are ultimately bco's, of course, because this is bco's site.  And of course, all of us should be free for our voices to be heard -- but not in all 72 forums on every 91,000+ threads at every second of every day.  There's a time and a place for everything.  Such as, a discussion about sugar suppressing one's immune system for 6 hours after eating it.  Time and place that's appropriate -- here in this forum on a thread discussing healthy food choices.  Time and place that it's inappropriate-- in the stage IV forum where someone wants a bowl of ice cream.   Being nice isn't rocket science.  And who decides what's nice and what isn't?  The person on the receiving end of the comment!  

Not only do we have 72 areas of discussion, we have many threads within each topic.   I suggest the original poster be allowed to 'own' the thread, in a manner of speaking.   If I were to learn tomorrow, as an example, that I have mets, I would start a thread asking for support.  The person who decides what's offensive within that thread would ME.  I'm the one who originated it, I'm the one who sets the tone, I'm the one who decides what's ok and what isn't in the context of what I want and need for support.  If someone insists that my choices are the equivalent of driving off a cliff, well, one must always consider the source.  That kind of admonishment is never likely to be welcome, but if I feel someone needs to spend more time looking in their own mirror than bossing me around, I would want the option of that one person from being banned from my support thread.  

So that brings us to a geeky topic.  Would it be possible to ban one user from one particular thread?  It sounds like one thread can be made to vanish from the active topics list, so I would guess that the answer is yes.  And since many of bco's recurring hot spots have the same players every time, it seems very reasonable to me that those of us who don't want a a lot of drama should, and probably could, be protected from it.  

If your vegan picnic is in a public park, you have to expect a few BBQs.

And the vegan kids can if they want get a hot dog from the non vegans and the vegans can supply nut rolls. It will be a great picnic and all will leave happy and hopefully with a good dose of naturally supplied Vitamin D

Id add something to Althea's suggestions. And this applies to all threads and posters. We can chose to be adults and just ignore if someone posts something that is clearly ignorant, idiotic, trouble rousing etc. We'd all ignore it if a kid threw a tantrum in the shopping centre wouldnt we? We wouldnt enable them by giving them the attention they are seeking so why cant we ignore poor behaviour here in BCO without having to use an ignore button? Many times ive gone to type something and then stopped because I dont want to give a previous posting any credibility by responding. If someone wants to waste their time posting something clearly inappropriate, it doesnt mean the rest of us have to respond to it. Simply go on with the thread and dont worry about it.

I like the idea of the original poster having the right to delete comments in their thread that are inappropriate. If people cant control themselves and someone has to have the power to do that, then in my mind, the original poster "owns" that thread and should have the right to delete comments which twist or pervert his/her thread.

BTW just as a side note, its pretty upsetting to read in some alternate threads that those of us who have chosen to do conventional medicine shouldnt read and post in the alternate forum. I and Im sure many others like to read the alternates in the hope of learning something new that may help me/us down the track. I dont post with suggestions because Im reading and trying to learn. 

Please Live and let live. We're all in the same boat and all trying to find the best way to get through BC that we can. Consideration to every person posting on BCO, commonsense and treating others as you would want to be treated would go a long way in making BCO a more supportive environment. 

but everyone feels so strongly about their beliefs that it can cloud how they react to choices that are different from theirs  ...

You nailed it, sweetbean!

I guess my idea was that this is a public forum, and there will be people here that feel the need to force their ideas on to other people just as there are in real life no matter what we do.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad by using your metaphor, that was never my intention and I'm sorry about that. I think it is a lovely thought actually, just not a very realistic one for a public forum sadly. 

Thank you for that clarification stormy.  This forum is public in the sense it's open to anyone who wants to join, but it's most definitely privately owned and the owners get to decide what's ok and what isn't.  Spammers, for example, are stricly prohibited.  Second, this place really isn't for everyone.  It's for those of us dx'd with breast cancer.  And since this is not a government site, the constitutional right to free speech is outside the perview of these forums. 

I partly agree and disagree with you about what we can expect here.  Continuing with the public park metaphor, I believe it is entirely possible for the vegans and bbq'ers to peacefully coexist.  These groups can acknowledge their differences and have respect for boundaries.  

To my mind, it is the violation of boundaries that is the reason for this discussion.  It is the threads where people are vulnerable that protection is lacking and it is very much needed. These are the threads where people are sharing their journey and seeking, needing support.  So if I were dx'd with mets and I decided to seek Gerson therapy in Mexico, I already know that there's a lot of people in this world, in these forums, who don't think that would be a good idea.  I don't need to hear from them, nor would I want to hear from them, in MY thread that I started in my quest for support.  

It is the very definition of abuse -- when I ask for behavior to stop and the offending person insists on continuing.   We are no longer talking about one person being a vegan and the other being an omnivore.  Abusive behavior is determined by the person on the receiving end.  And this is what makes moderating such a nightmare.  Everyone has a different opinion.  So if I say usernamexyz is abusive to me in my thread seeking support, by golly, I AM the person who gets to decide that.   ...and sadly, this is where protection that we often see needed in these forums is lacking. 

So when I saw a comment earlier that a thread can be made invisible on the active threads section, it made me wonder about other possibilities.  If I have one thread that I claim as my support thread, and usernamexyz refuses to leave me in peace on that same thread, wouldn't it be nice if usernamexyz was no longer able to see that my thread even exists.  That way, I could be protected from someone causing me strife during my vulnerable time of need, and usernamexyz is free to post on any of the other  91,000+ threads.  I don't know how hard that would be for a programmer.  I'm sort of geeky, but not a programmer.  If it is possible, though, I think this would be an awesome feature with the potential of making threads for support much safer.  

I must say I totally agree with Althea. It can be very hard to ignore hurtful people when in a vulnerable position.

I'm going to agree with myself to disagree with you and let this drop now, because its a circular argument - I've never considered unconditional support to be a positive.   While in most cases it's not what is said, but rather, how it's said, it all boils down to personalities.

I would hate for a bunch of people to fell compelled to tell me "good luck" if I was going to try something ineffective or worse, dangerous.  I would hope for a balanced argument. JMO of course.

I also feel that the "battered woman" example is out of line to compare to a post on an internet message board.  Especially one that requires so little personal information to make an account.  Neither you nor I have any idea, for the most part, who we are speaking with, what their background is, and what intentions they have for making some of the posts that they do.  People should be aware of where they are, when posting. 

Question: why is it that I only hear of "bullying" and "mean behavior" on alternative threads? I have not heard that claim on the conventional threads.

Honestly, mardibra, I rarely see the kind of disagreements on other forums that I see here.  People feel very strongly about their treatment choices and the anonymity of the Internet allows them to forget that there are people on the end of every post.  And I've seen people from both sides get unpleasant - very sad.

Not really a rhetorical question. I have my thoughts but I am curious what others think.