Fed up ....

So, not sure where to even begin.  Was diagnosed late January of this year and had my first chemo on the 9th of Feb. They wanted it to be on the 6th but as that's my birthday I said no. Bad enough that mother nature gave me this crap disease.

Not sure about anyone else on the boards but I hate how it's thrown my life into chaos.  I was supposed to be moving back to the US next month, but as health care there is too expensive (even with insurance) I need to stay in the UK. No idea for how long, or if I will ever be able to move back. At the time of my diagnosis, was in a long distance relationship and we were both excited about my moving back.  Since then we have both decided that it's too hard. I was the one that made that decision but he agrees.  Not knowing when you will see another person, gets too stressful and painful.

Not been able to go into work through my chemo. I work in a medical lab for a hospital and far too many "germs" there with my immune system taking a massive beating.  Which is one thing that annoys me to no end. I am usually the one at work that can get a cold and keep going because most of the colds don't hit me too hard.  It's everyone else that gets hit hard, never me.

It's taken quite a bit some days to realize I have to take it easy. That's not normally who I am.  I do best with being able to take on stress, and just get on with life.  Laundry piles up, list of things to do seems endless and can't seem to tackle half the crap I know needs doing.  Many plans have been made that I have had to say "sorry, not up for it".  I have amazing friends who realize this and been there totally understanding.  I count my blessings about that but again, ANNOYING as hell. 

I have finally seen the primary surgeon and went through my options for reconstruction and the option that is best, means a massive scar accross my lower abdomen as they are going to use what stomach fat and tissue they can (along with silicone) to reconstruct my breast.  Will be meeting with the plastic surgeon soon to go through these options again.

I guess just wondering how others deal with the days of being totally fed up. The constant appointments, being poke and prodded, not having much control over anything. I really most of all want my life back. I want to be able to make plans again. Always had a slight case of Obssessive Compulsive Personality Disorder where I want to know what is happening all the time. Right now I have no idea when I wake up, what my body will be up for and how tired even the easiest things will make me.

It gets quite frustrating as I am usually a very strong willed person. Not one for self pity parties.  But now, I get really stressed the night before a chemo treatment.  Meeting with the primary surgeon threw me into a massive state of anxiety/self pity/depression.  Came out of it thankfully but hated the not feeling so strong. And also embarassed.

Much love to all the people on the boards.