My pity party...

Usually, I am a pretty positive person, but lately I can only dwell on the negative. I am so anxiety-ridden, so confused, and it seems like all my post-cancer symptoms are magnified lately.  I hurt all the time (thanks, Femara), I am suffering from severe fatigue and nausea, my memory/attention/problem-solving is so bad that my family calls me "Dorie..."

About the nausea, I have this wonderful dachshund that I love, but for some reason his smell lately has made me so sick that I am considering if I can keep him or not. That makes me feel horrible because when I was my sickest, he was such a comfort. I cant keep bathing him daily, his hair is gonna fall out... 

I divorced my husband of 25 years in January. It was horrible, and still is, and I am having to take him back to court soon for contempt, because he will not follow through on the divorce agreement. We have 6 children, 2 of whom are still in elementary school, and it is killing me because he goes out for most of his visitation weekend, leaving them with his mom.  It breaks their hearts and he can't see it.  So they have the dad who is never there, and the mom who feels bad much of the time.  

I have had to move out of our home this week - I was supposed to get to live here for several more years, but he is making life so difficult, I am moving far enough away that he cant just drive by or drop in at his convenience. So I have had to --- for the first time ever --- be responsible for finding a home, moving us, getting all those arrangements made. What a mess, what an expense!

Also, I am up for my disability review, and I have to go see this doctor for assessment on Tuesday. I work in healthcare, and I have worked only a few hours a month since October of 2008.  If I lose my disability, I have no idea if I can even find a job, much less hold one down.  I have changed so much since my illness, I am constantly losing things, very disorganized, I buy datebooks and notebooks and lose them. I write myself notes on the computer and on sticky pads, then I cant even remember what the notes mean. I found one today that has an address and says, "leave tree alone," what could that possibly mean? Then I obsess about what the notes could mean...I am a nutcase! I am incapable of making a quick decision, I spent ten minutes today on a one-line note to a doctor, trying to remember a word and to phrase it just right so I wouldnt look stupid, or he wouldnt have to ask me any questions about it...

I have trouble managing money, which is not good when you are on a very tight, very fixed income. I have all these time perception problems -- does anyone else have this since chemo? -- where it seems to me like its only been 20 minutes, but actually almost 2 hours has passed, and I cant even tell you what I did for those 2 hours.

I had 2 children graduate high school this year, and my oldest son moved out and is now Mr. Independent (thank God!), but all I can think of is, my daughter who is 17 has helped me sooo much, she reminds me to take my meds, she reminds me of dr appointments, she goes to the bank for me, etc etc. She is moving to an apartment and going to college! Who is going to keep me in line?  My 11-yr-old? Who is the better parent, the "I am NOT an alcoholic" no-show dad, or Dorie-the-fish with the rotten life expectancy? 

I still get this rotten case of mouth ulcers every three weeks, just like I was still on chemo. And my left shoulder has been in a spasm all month, I had radiation to the chest wall AND shoulder because I had all those rotten lymph nodes scattered around. I also had a bugger of a UTI last week. 

Where is my self-confidence? Where is my joie de vivre? Where is my Effexor and clonopin?  

On a more positive note, I had a PET scan last month, with "NO significant findings."   

Will at least one person respond to this, so I dont feel like no one gets it?