My new reality...I'm scared

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Sonata
Sonata Member Posts: 221
edited June 2014 in Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis

I've been putting off posting even though I've known the results for awhile. I thought posting would make it real and I'd have to face it, and I haven't wanted to do that. Is that normal, or is something wrong with me?? I left the Dr's office after hearing the findings, came home and ignored everything. Sure, I visited the board, played mindless games...but wouldn't allow myself to share anything with you all. I even kept myself from reading others posts for fear of letting myself feel something.

But the time has come to face reality. Call my absence whatever you will, I was/am scared. That feeling hasn't dissipated, nothing has changed. I just know I cannot do this alone. I realize I need YOUR support---I know you understand. While I have many caring, supportive people in my life, suddenly I feel so alone.

So here it is...my new reality---Mets....to several cervical anterior/posterior lymph nodes, to a cervical/thoracic vertebrae, to sternum, and to a rib.

I still have no desire to talk about it, so please bear with me. Giving the 'facts' is all I can manage right now. I'm still adjusting to what it all means. I realize there are many of you who know what this feels like. A little encouragement would go a long way....

~Cate

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited June 2012

    Hi Cate -

    We can't even begin to understand what you're feeling right now, but we know there are lots of ladies here who do. Let us just offer our support and let you know we are all here for you, whenever you're ready to talk.

    Big ((((((hugs)))))) to you,

    Your Mods

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited June 2012

    Cate, I can relate.  After my initial diagnosis, Stage 3, last October I did the same thing.  I couldn't even bring myself to read posts about breast cancer, and all the diagnostic descriptions on the bottom of womens' posts just scared the socks off of me.  I could not look at it.

    For me, God let the news and how to manage it sink in gradually.  As far as the mets diagnosis, I've read many posts from the Stage 4 ladies that are encouraging and hopeful. 

    I found a book at chemo that has been a wonderful encouragement and help.  "Praying Through Cancer, Set Your Heart Free From Fear," by Susan Sorenson and Laura Geist.  It's a 90-day devotional written by women who have been through this dark and frightening journey.

    Please know I'll be praying for you today.  Hang onto hope, dear Cate, we are all in the Lord's hands.

    "Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed."  Psalm 57:1

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  • stellaratovsky
    stellaratovsky Member Posts: 618
    edited June 2012

    I understand I am a 40 year old mom of two boys 6 and 15. I am scared too. I have bone meta in several areas I was diagnosed in mid may. I am learning to deal and live with it. The worst thing you could do is google stuff because so not true. This website is the best you will meet so many women with amazing stories. If it will make you feel a bit better. I have 2 onc and both said you could live long lives of course with treatment. But I will take that. Just know we are here for you. You never know you maybe become NED.

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  • midnight1327
    midnight1327 Member Posts: 1,475
    edited June 2012
    Hi Sonata, very sorry you are going thru this, if you come on here and just read the posts, thats what i did for abit too, even  if i am down, i just go to inspiring stories of other members experinces and that builds my hope. I  hope you will be able to talk about it soon as it helps, but when you are ready. Take care, thinking of you.Laughing
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  • FilterLady
    FilterLady Member Posts: 407
    edited June 2012

    Hi Sonata, I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  I can't offer any advice but I wanted you give you a big ((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))) and to say that I'm sure many other women that have dealt with the same diagnosis will share their wisdom with you.

    God bless you!

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  • midnight1327
    midnight1327 Member Posts: 1,475
    edited June 2012

    Hi there, sbelizabeth, i was trying to remember a verse, i think it is  the psalms, but no certain now, it is   I look unto the hills, from whence comes my help/ i cannot remember how it goes now, my favourite  text verse was, I can do all things thru Christ which stregthens me. so just wondering can you enlightem me on that first one. i know the other one is phillipans, 4:13. (I think) my memory is bad now with these pills i am on, Tamoxifen. thanks

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited June 2012

    Hi, midnight.  The verse you're remembering is from Psalm 121:

    "I will lift up my eyes unto the mountains--

    Where does my help come from?

    My help comes from the LORD,

    The maker of heaven and earth."

    Blessings--Katy (sbelizabeth) 

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  • sweetbean
    sweetbean Member Posts: 1,931
    edited June 2012

    Oh, Sonata, I'm so sorry.  This disease fucking sucks (pardon my language).  I'll be praying for you (or sending you healing vibes - whatever you prefer).   I hope your next treatment gets you to NED fast!

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited June 2012

    Cate, Theres no right or wrong way to feel. We simply feel as we do and theres not a whole lot we can do about it. I've been told that I dont get as upset as I should when my cancer comes back. I first had stage 2B ILC in 2003, met to bone in 5th lumbar vertebrae in 2006 and just weeks ago I was diagnosed with bone marrow mets in my hips, pelvis, lumbar spine, sacrum and right thigh. The way I see it is I need to keep my head straight, take the treatments my onc says I need and pray for the best. Aromasin gave me 5 yrs but is no longer working so now I'm on Faslodex injections. Of course we have to wait to see if its working. I dont want to die and I dont want to suffer. I take meds to keep me comfy. My worse symptoms are severe pain and I take alot of pain meds. I'm not a bedridden invalid, I can walk, talk and take care of myself. I refuse to give in and act like I'm dying when I'm still very much alive. If/when I become incapable of the above...then I will accept it as best as I can. I have physical limits of course and I have to be careful right now because if I do the wrong things the pain is unbearable and movement is difficult. So I guess what I'm saying is that you need to talk about all the details when you are ready. It truly helps to share your info with others. Give yourself time ..it'll be okay. Get treatment going and if you feel good..then enjoy it. If you are in pain, depressed, etc...tell ur oncologist and get treatment for that too. Theres no need for you to suffer needlessly. You have people here who can help you. HUgs , Mazy

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  • allisontom911
    allisontom911 Member Posts: 425
    edited June 2012

    It really is a hard pill to to swallow. I changed my signature line with the date of diagnosis but can not bring to put stage yet. Oh well.

    I was rediagnosed May 17th. Had my first chemo on June 4th. I just want to get the party started and get this chemo out of me.

    Hugs to you, hope you are doing better and any of us are here to listen when you are ready.

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  • Sonata
    Sonata Member Posts: 221
    edited June 2012

    Allison -- It took me awhile to bring myself to change the stage and add the diagnosis to my signature line. I just couldn't bear to see it staring back at me every time I posted. Now that I've changed it and posted about the mets, I found it forces me to face reality. I just had to take control over it, not let it keep control over me. Hugs to you, friend.

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  • allisontom911
    allisontom911 Member Posts: 425
    edited June 2012

    my diagnosis is "controversial". My MO said early stage IV or could be stage IIIC. I said oh I didnt realize there was an "early" stage IV. My mets are to about 8-10 lymph nodes in my shoulder and sub pectoral area and several lymph nodes in my mediastinum. So yes it is distant lymph nodes so who knows.

    I was glad to see your other post on the stage IV forum. I have a little guy 2 1/2. He was 6 weeks old when I was first diagnosed. I am going to have him save my head next week.....should be fun and interesting....lol

    We keep on keeping on!

    Hugs and prayers to you

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  • Toyoungforthis
    Toyoungforthis Member Posts: 7
    edited June 2012

    Hi Mazy, i m new here but i read every post and try to learning from other experiences . I was dx in January had sing. Mastectomy and reconstruction with tissue expander . One week ago I had the tissue expander change with permanent silicon.i was so happy for the nice result but my happiness didn't keep long because 2 days ago when I was in the shower I felt something like a lump 2 cm above the scar tissue , I really don't know if it was there before the surgery or it come after surgery as a scar tissue. I m so worried about it to soon to deal with this again ... God I need a break... I will see my dr. On Wednesday for a f/u check and I m so scared he will tell me I need a biopsy ... Again ??? When this is going to end ? I really want to think positive but I can't ... Any way I just want it to ask you if in 2006 you had also Brest recurrence or just bon mets? And also to thank you for the nice words you post it . It help me a lot ... Wish you all the best and wish no one never feel what I feel right now. Sonata I know exactly what you feel and I pray for all of us who live in this nightmear to get at least a break... God be with us . Elena. Ps sorry for my poor English

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  • Wilsie2
    Wilsie2 Member Posts: 441
    edited June 2012

    Sonata, I know how you feel.  My recurrence came after 15 years.  Denial worked for a while, and sometimes that's how I deal with it, because overall, I feel pretty good.  Two more abraxane treatments, then on Aromacin.   I don't think anyone would know if I did not tell them. But its really there, I even went to Texas for 2nd opinion.  There are a lot of us going through the same emotions you are.  I felt very alone before I started reading posts here, and this is where I find my encouragement, too.

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  • Mazy1959
    Mazy1959 Member Posts: 1,431
    edited June 2012

    Tooyoung..I didnt have a breast recurrence...bone mets only. I'm glad that I helped you in some way. I know you see your onc on wed but if I were you I would call and let them know of the lump just in case they want to schedule a scan etc. Things settle down after awhile for most of us. It is so hard sometimes but we do what we have to do. Please let me know what your onc says on wed. I see my onc on wed too to get my Faslodex shots. Will keep you in my prayers, Mazy

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