considering no reconstruction and no prosthesis

"As I get used to my new shape, I work to allow the looks without interpreting their meaning."

MT1, this is so true when one elects to not wear forms after a mastectomy. I experienced implant recon and know what it is like to walk around after mastectomy and "pass" as having breasts. Unfortunately, my recon went awry and I decided to have it undone, remove implants and go flat. Because I have truncal lymphedema, I wear a simple compression tank/shapewear garment that helps minimize some of the concavity and lumps and bumps caused by implants and recon. Sometimes I wear clothes that try to fool the eye about my flatness, and other times I wear formfitting garments and it is pretty clear I have no breasts.

I experienced a look of shock or horror three weeks after deconstructing when I was at my most vulnerable, still mourning my loss and getting used to my new body. I saw a woman looking directly at my chest and I just observed her, and when she looked up she realized I had seen her. I just smiled, acknowledging her gaze, but she looked away. I could have gone to town with that in my mind. I am pretty sure she knew what she was seeing, and at first I thought she was aghast that I wasn't wearing prosthetics. The more I thought about it, I realized there were a million reasons for her expression - she, a relative or friend had just been diagnosed with BC, or she or someone she knew had experienced some sort of BC surgery. Who knows? Anyway, I had to admit to myself there was no way to know what she was thinking. Even if she was horrified over no prosthetics, I felt okay, because I have been through so much in the past four years. I am who I am, and at this point I feel fortunate that I can finally move on from BC and recon. Maybe this is why I have somewhat of a "screw you" attitude. If I hadn't experienced chronic pain and a failed recon and gone directly to mastectomy and no recon, I'm sure the healing process would have been different. I would have more slowly gained the feeling of pride and confidence in the new me. Don't get me wrong, even now I still have pangs of sadness at times when I come face to face with my body and think about what used to be. But that's more about my feelings of loss, not how others are evaluating my body.

I didn't require chemo so I didn't lose my hair, and while I used to keep it shorter before, I have let it grow and it is now below my shoulders. I like the feeling of feminity this gives me. For clothing, I was ruthless and went through my closet and removed every article of clothing that didn't work without a bra. This caused considerable distress, losing favorite dresses and tops I used to wear and feel so pretty (pre-BC or those I had purchased after recon), but it was so much better not to not see them when I opened my closet.

I continue to experiment with clothing that looks nice on a flat and somewhat concave chest. Finding clothes that make you look and feel attractive this way can be done!! Takes some trial and error. I had numerous meltdowns in dressing rooms until I learned to tell myself: just because the clothes don't fit or look attractive doesn't mean it's an evaluation of the condition of my body. If something doesn't work, I move on. I recommend going dressed as much like you normally would if you were looking for new tops or dresses - wear attractive jeans or slacks or take proper shoes and wear nice undies and a tank/cami. If you are going to go braless, purchasing a couple of shapewear tops or camis might be your first stop. You will have a better idea whether a garment is flattering when you wear the kind of clothes you want to coordinate it with. For example, I have learned that shopping in workout clothes isn't very helpful - sneakers with white socks, stretchy shorts, etc. do nothing for evaluating the attractiveness of the blouse or dress unless you have a great imagination! 

PS - there are, in my opinion, several wonderful things about neoadjubant therapy.  one of those wonderful things is the TIME you get in making this tremendously personal decision.  when people have surgery first, they are making this decision so quickly!!!!  for me, i found myself never wavering from the desire to do the bmx as opposed to a possible unilateral mastectomy or even a lumpectomy.  my boobies were always bumpy, and i didn't want to end up with endless biopsies everytime my lumpiness changed, which was frequent!  i had fibrocystic breasts, which was confirmed upon the pathology....  also, i did not want to do radiation unless it was absolutely necessary!

Bikerlee, gotta love kids. My thoughts about the BMX were very similar to yours and I also had neo-chemo. I was sure about the BMX from day one, but the neo-chemo gave me time to think over the whole recon business. Then my surgeon told me that he didn't want me to have immediate recon, so that took any remaining pressure off. But I had already decided against at that point.

lilylady, I love J.Jill, too! I've also been looking for tunics lately to help disguise my belly, and they look feminine enough that most folks don't look further. I found some cute ones in Sundance catalog, and also Peruvian Connection (both online). PC has some very pricey, classy items that I indulge in from time to time, but they also have tons of basics - tops, tanks, camis, skirts, etc. in soft pima cotton and a multitude of colors (like j.jill and similarly priced) for mixing and matching. J.Jill and Peruvian Connection have become my go-to places for the basics of my wardrobe.

LawGen, that is nice to hear. It reminds me of an old friend of mine who always says that we never know how much time we have, so we should enjoy each other meanwhile. I think it is a good way to look at it.

The other thing for me is that, I want to wear whatever I want to wear. When I was 34DD, I was shy about my breasts, I covered them up and often times folks thought I was much heavier than my actual weight because of this. I no longer want to be modest. If my scars peep, so be it. I will not hide. I am not ashamed. I will wear tight fitting clothing when I want to and loose and baggy too. But I won't be covering up my body because of my decisions related to breast cancer. I seek to be athleticly fit and proud in my beautiful body. This body survived treatment, it heals well, it works well. I want to work it to the best of my ability.

Pam, 

Thank you so much for starting this thread.  Reading the wise, candid and thoughtful responses of the women that frequent this subgroup always makes my day a bit brighter--shoulders a bit straighter, you might say.  I was in your shoes this past fall/winter.  I too had my butt kicked by neo-adj  chemo (AC).  It's hard to be brought down by chemo when so many women seem to survive it with relatively mild SEs.  I completely relate to your statement of not caring about seeing your breasts again.  The good news ( and the bad, I guess), is that once the chemo was finally over I started to care again.

 I had a BMX in Feb followed by more fun in the chemo chair (Taxol).  I will be done with radiation by end of June.  Anyway, I decided against reconstruction for some of the reasons folks mentioned above, and I am  grateful for the BC sisters who have helped me see that this is a  reasonable option. I have posted several times asking for help and guidance ( see threads titled Clothing advice for the Flat Chested and Reminder List for the Blue Days)  and have been so touched by the compassionate responses. No doubt about it,  I have struggled with and am grieving the loss of my breasts, but I feel certain that implants were not the right choice for me.  

Like MT, I am working on being ok with and proud of with my new body. Can I feel attractive, even sexy without breasts?  Can I like my reflection even though I no longer see the shape I formerly  identified as "me?"  I will tell you honestly that I'm not there yet, but gosh darn it, I am doing my best.   I have always considered myself a feminist, even though as a stay-at-home mom of two kids I don't often look the part.     Though she's considered old-school through the eyes of  current feminist theory, the words of Audre Lorde on the subject of post-BC flatness have brought me much comfort. If you are interested, PM me I will try to find a digital copy of her essay. 

In the meanwhile, I wish to echo the statement already made: whatever option you choose is the right path for you. The fact that we are forced to make these awful decisions makes me so mad I want to throw shoes against the wall.  But you will have the support of good women to help you through it. 

MT, I love your last lines, I am saying something like that to myself every day, My body is strong, it has carried me through treatment, it has not allowed cancer to take me down.  

Erica, About starring at women with no breasts...or one breast... (I have no breasts) I think it can be a reminder for them to either 1. take care of themselves and get that overdue mammo or 2. Be thankful for all they have. I don't allow myself the third thought and that is :pity. I don't go there. Not yet.

I had a strange thing happen to me, after my mastectomy, my sister (who i work with) began to show tremendous cleavage. it gutted me, i felt filleted like a fish to have to look at that. I never said a word, and thought about it, and realized she was being grateful for all she had. Nothing wrong about that.

I love that when  I go out with my family and close friends, no one comments if I am wearing breasts or not. I have good people in my life. (Including all of you reading this!!!!!)

I am convinced now after wearing breasts and no breasts, that no one really notices other than women who have had these issues. men only notice women who are really stacked, the rest of us just blend together.

Pam, sorry for your chemo troubles. Chemo is not fun.

I dutifully bought a (very expensive) wig because everyone said I would want and need it. I wore it exactly once. I wore scarves, hats, turbans etc. Half the time people didn't realize why.

Before cancer I had very long and thick hair. I used to get a lot of attention and compliments for it. I expected it to  be hard to lose it, but in the end, for me, it really was freeing rather than sad. It was also good to learn that I could look good and feel good without all that hair.

It is hard to go through cancer treatment, and there will come a day towards the end of treatment when being bald gets to be really old.  

But I really do think it can help a huge amount to be open to the experience, sucky as it is, because there will be unexpected positives and interesting twists, as long as you allow yourself to see them. 

Pam, I have been told by the entire neighborhood and all my friends that I must NOT grow the hair out again, lol, and I am loving having short hair.

Maybe I will change my mind, but for now I am going to enjoy the short hair thoroughly. 

Pam, this was the hair 25 years ago:

And this is recently, I repeat I am 25 years older, so don't be scared by how I look here

Kestrel, I do wear foobs usually, but recently I got some genie bras that come with shields in the pockets. The shields give a tiny curve that really would be fine for a lot of different clothes that need that bit of filler.

Yes, I think you are right. Experiment a little, but I do get what you mean and have had similar thoughts.

Pam,

I agree 100%. I don't think my chest/scars look bad at all and have no problem with how I look naked. It's how I look in clothes that just doesn't seem to be cutting it. I have always been a T-shirt and jeans type and was never bigger than a B-, but now my lower ribs protude further than my chest and you can pretty much see every rib from top to bottom. Doesn't look so hot in my usual attire unless the shirt is big and baggy. Not to mention I live in the desert where you want to clothing that is light and airy and that just doesn't hang right.

I suspect I am a work in progress and still getting comfortable with my new shape.....or lack thereof.  

Gail

" mce_I am trying to post a photo but it's not working too well!  Sorry, maybe the technique changed when they modified the board here.  I'll read up and try to post again.

I think this shows twice.  Sorry about that!  I am not too good with technology.  Anyway, this is me with breast forms.  I was a small A before, quite small.  I think the forms look really good.  This is post BMX.  I want to give hope to others.  Frankly my figure is better now than before.

Gosh...I just realized the heading of this was for women interested in going without a form.  Maybe I should not have posted this here, my apologies as I don't mean to offend anyone!  Pretty much I am trying to say that we can look how we want post surgery.  I found it quite empowering to have the freedom.  At home i am flat, especially in the evening, when watching TV w/ my DH.  He is fine with it.  Out of the house I wear forms.  I have a bunch of different ones with different looks and materials.  These in the picture are my "big" forms.  Often it's just little foam ones in a stretch bra.  Very good for sports.