Help: Should I Leave?

I'm in no place to give marriage/relational advice, but I can share my perspective from my experience and hope it helps you.

I too had dose dense chemotherapy in 2010.  My sex drive has slowly eroded after the birth of each of our four kids, but I can say that since treatment, it has been pretty much non-existent.  I don't know if it was the chemo and the lingering fatigue, the maintenence meds I'm on, or the fact I have changed so much emotionally (trauma from cancer) and physically (trauma from surgery) that leaves me so uninterested, but the reality is I'm not interested.  Now add the pain your wife is experiencing... What your wife is experiencing is more then just a lack of physical strength and tolerance for pain, it's probably a large part emotional as well.

What I'm reading from your post is that you feel you have been very supportive so far, but are considering changing that and leaving your wife.  No one, except you can make the decision whether that is the wrong or right choice for you, however I'd like to give my opinions on it.  It sounds like you and your wife have a history that involves much more then physical intimacy.  You guys have kids and a story that goes along with all that entails.  You've had a rough road, even if your only bump was the cancer diagnosis, which I doubt it is.  Physical intimacy is a small piece of who you are together, while there are so many other things you guys can celebrate together.  You wouldn't leave your wife if she was in a car accident and became disabled, would you?  I view it as the same thing.  You guys would adapt together to make your new reality work, wouldn't you?  

I've been in places in my marriage where I have felt abandoned, be it my husband is too wrapped up in his career, hobbies, and other relationships, or be it that I expect him to be that perfect person to fill all the voids in my life, and he doesn't do that.  Reality is my husband can not fill all my voids and make me happy.  And I am not resposible for how he spends his time, I am only resposible for how I react to him.  Only my choices and how I choose to react can make me happy.  I need to choose repeatly to not let my marriage be ruined because I expect my husband to be a man he can not be and fill voids which he can't fill.  I do let him know how his behavior makes me feels, but ultimately I am responsible for where those feelings take me.

That being said, I think I understand that physical intimacy is a big deal to you (as it is most men).  Could you ask your wife to continue doctoring for an improvement in this area?  If she's like me, and having been through cancer and all the treatments and appointments that entails, the idea of another doctor's appointment is overwhelming.  However, you need to be honest with her and let her know how much this area of your lives means to you.  Maybe there are some other medications she could try which wouldn't hurt her to try.  

Maybe you could go to counseling together and work through this issue with a counselor along with the medical intervention.  It took you guys four years to get to this unhappy place, it's probably not going to be better without lots of time and hard work on both of your parts.

I can tell from your post you really do care and are just feeling hurt and alone.  Consider this your althletic event... maybe it's a triathlon, or maybe it's bigger then that... but don't give up!  I can tell you don't want to give up, and the road you are on is hard, but it is not impossible.  Keep trying!  You can do it!   

I agree with the previous posters, a frank discussion with her oncologist about options + possibly counseling, with someone who specializes in this sort of thing, is needed. I am going through chemo now and have "menopausal" symptoms from it, that may or may not continue after chemo is done. From all I have heard, this may not go away. I will be frank with you and tell you that just about anything going into my vagina feels like it's covered in sandpaper. I am using KY Liquibeads every few days just to hopefully keep the vaginal tissue from being totally ruined. Using lube does not help. Fortunately my husband is very understanding. We have basically switched to just oral sex for the time being, and it's infrequent.

It is COMPLETELY irrelevant that your wife can run in a marathon. Her vaginal tissues may be significantly degraded. You don't use those to run. You do use those for vaginal intercourse.

I  know this is a hard topic to discuss, even between married people. I am blessed with a spouse who is 100% supportive of whatever we are able to do, even if it is nothing. In return, I try my hardest and am open to trying new things, new products, new ways at being intimate, because I recognize and appreciate that he has sexual needs, even if mine are next to nothing.

If I were you, I would very, very carefully bring the subject up to her. I would start off by explaining how much you love her, support her, cherish her. But you miss that special intimacy that you once shared. I would ask if she has explored all possible options/treatment with her oncologist. If not, start there. If so, I would ask her if she would be open to meeting with a counselor that specializes in this sort of thing. Tell her it is not to pressure her into having sex, but rather to help you talk about different ways to feel that special intimacy you once had.

Here is some information in case you have not seen it already:
http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/side_effects/libido_loss.jsp

Here are websites to help you find a counselor in your area; again, I would recommend choosing one who has a speciality or vast experience in either sexual disorders, and experience working with women who have gone through cancer:
http://www.therapistlocator.net/iMIS15/therapistlocator/Directories/Therapist_Locator/Content/Directories/Locator_Terms_of_Use.aspx
and
http://locator.apa.org/

Best of luck.

For some reason having this thread in the surgery section really bothers me. I guess I'm just sensitive after having a BMX, having gone through chemo and about to start Tamoxifen. I wish this were in a different category. The caregivers or something. My poor husband.

Your topic started with the question "should I leave"? Ask yourself should she leave if your got prostate cancer and could not have sex or testicular cancer? But with that said, I wouldn't want a man by my side supporting me that posted should I leave?

I don't know if I am qualified to answer this but having dealt with Stage I three years ago, Stage III 18 months ago and Stage IV starting 3 months ago I am going to take a stab.  Much like others have said intimacy is not the same as sex.  My wife is 42 and should be "at her peak" but with the effects of chemo, radiation and the cancer her body needs time to figure out what is going on with it.  Start slow ,a nice walk somewhere holding hands just the two of you can provide intimate moments.  Like eric above said it may require to start the whole courtship over (and that can be a rewarding time for the both of you).  It is a slow winding road to be on but you have to be willing to go at her and her body's pace.  My wife and I have for the most part been non-sexual for the better part of 3 years because the side effect of alot of anti-cancer drugs is decreased libido (totally understandable) but we have been able to increase the intimacy in our relationship and our relationship is stronger because of that.

My wife is ER/PR+ HER2 - with mets to brain, lungs and chest wall.  As a man it does get frustrating but hang in there...she needs you.  I'm 40 and I have gone through the waves of thought like you are now and at the end of the day it becomes what is most important to you.  Is it sex you want or closeness with her you need?  Drop me a line if you want and you can vent to me.

aquest

 Perhaps you should leave ...really, she might just be better off without you.  You did say to be brutally honest so there you have it.

If you can't get past the sex and realize she has lost that AND so much more, and support her 110% then....

whatever.

I am in the same situation as you.

My cousin, who worked at Sloane Kettering, told me that most marriages end in divorce after this type of ordeal. Now, we were just getting into it at the time so I had no idea what he was talking about. Today I feel alone or like I am living with my sister or something. There is zero passion and that has the feeling of being 90 years old before it's time. Totally unnatural.

I too am sensitive to her needs but mine don't matter or so I feel. I am hoping she snaps out of this but I don't see that happening.

This whole thing sucks!

Why start a new thread? The advice will likely be similar anyway, so why not go with this one since there have been some responses to prime the pump, so to speak. Bottom line, yeah, cancer sucks. And your wife has probably had a sh*t ton of stuff to contend with since the diagnosis came in. Most likely surgery, rads, chemo, anti-hormonal meds, mental musings on death and all the rest that comes with a cancer diagnosis. Perhaps a life-threatening infection or severe chemo reactions thrown in for kicks. Basically a recipe for feeling non-sexual for a year or two or maybe much longer than that.

If your partnership was good, it will be tested. If it was not, it will likely dissolve. A cancer diagnosis rips things down to the essentials. Try to imagine yourself in a similar predicament, if you can. Say, an aggressive prostate cancer diagnosis that entails the removal of the gland, chemo, impotence. How would you feel? Your manhood has been stripped from you, you don't feel well from treatment, and even when you are told that, hurrah! the stuff worked! You will live! As what...well that's up to you. How would you feel if your partner decided that they had had quite enough ministering to you and your cancer issues?

The OP on this thread had, in my mind, a legit issue. His wife had seemingly made a great recovery, and he was still sexually interested in her (which sadly is not always the case, post cancer treatment.) His wife also was likely spared the issues related to anti hormonal meds as a triple neg patient, though the effect of chemo (and forced menopause) may have a lot to do with his wife's disinterest in sex. Why the sex embargo? He has a right to ask and expect some effort towards trying to get a better intimate connection going.

Jimihendrix, I don't know what your situation is...when your wife was diagnosed, what her treatments were/are. But just please imagine yourself in a similar fix. How you would feel with a life-threatening diagnosis hanging over your head and a slew of miserable treatments that can screw up your sexuality, personality and physical being. Please be a human to her. If you can't deal, fine. But do whatever you can to take care of her and your kids if you have them. No one asks for this sh#t storm. I get that you didn't sign up for this, but neither did she. For better or for worse--did you mean it? Because this is worse, this is what the words mean.