Starting chemo Sept 05

Hello girls, Just checking in on my September sisters.

Susan, I was so happy to read about your upcoming concert. What joy it must bring you to be able to play...I remember not so long ago the worries of the Taxol demon!

Leanne, Always thinking of you & keeping you in prayer. I hope that your port helps to make things easier and that you will be able to settle into to a new "normal".

Nicole, Yay that you are done with radiation...there's no place like home & the comfort of your own home for healing.

Sandra, good for you for not going back to work if it would cause you stress. I just returned to teaching after all the testing was done. We are very big on testing in the US and EVERYTHING is judged by how well the students perform on the tests. Money is allocated based on testing scores & that children are handicapped or do not speak the language makes no difference.I think the funniest thing I ever saw was a little boy who didn't speak English being given a test in English. He took the test booklet & placed it over his head & sat there. I might have stuck it elsewhere, but it just highlighted the ludicracy of these tests as the sole indicators of learning.

I'm actually on Spring break this week, so that was a nice way to ease back into work. I wish all my sisters a very Happy Passover & a blessed Easter. Enjoy your families as you gather for your celebrations! Love to all, Lynell

Hello lovely ladies

I hope you are all enjoying your Easter and indulging in plenty of chocolate!!

I am not sure if I told you all that I didn't have chemo this week?? (I forget what I post- chemo brain returns!) Blood counts way too long so it has been delayed for a week and a bit. I have been suffering with a cold these past few days so I am so glad I wasn't treated. However I hate delaying the inevitable and just want to get this over and done with and find out if it is working. Approximately another 4 weeks to go now with this delay.....

I am very grouchy and bitter today. Lately I have been getting around with a bad attitude, saying and doing whatever the hell I like and not caring about anything or anyone else. Selfish? you bet! I hate now knowing that my "expiry date" is sooner than everyone elses. I feel robbed and cheated for both myself and my little boys. How do we ever make any sense of this?? I am sorry to be on such a downer but I know I can come here and speak truthfully and know that somone will understand my musings. I have been crying alot again these past couple of days and being so ANGRY I can't believe it. I am making everyones life miserable at the moment I know but I can't help it. I know I will be okay again soon but man, it is UNFAIR. Not just to me but to little kids, 3yrs and 10 months who will know nothing but what it is like to have a sick mum or be motherless.

I am very tired today so I am sure that is affecting my mood greatly.

Scott goes back to work tomorrow. I get used to him being around but I realise a sense of normality and routine is important however I always feel so lost when he goes back.

I just reread my post and it is awful!! Sorry ladies. I really needed to rant.

love you all
xoxoxo

Leanne,

Vent away! Of course you have the right to be angry. Yell at the trees, yell at the bushes, yell at the ocean or yell at the mountains. Get the anger out....

If you can, leave the anger out there. If you can't, maybe it is time to talk with someone who is a professional. Anger will eat you up.

None of us know how long we have on this Earth. Just a short story, my Mother's father died unexpectedly when she was four years old. She has only one memory of this man. She remembers standing in the bathroom with a huge man who was screaming at her for not putting her toothbrush back to its proper place.

When the kid was young and I felt angry at her behavior, I would remember this story. Somehow it dissipated my anger so that I was able to regain my composure.

I am sorry to hear that scott is off again. Do you have others to help with the children on your off days?

We are all thinking of you.....

*susan*

Hello ladies!

Leanne - I think of you often. As others stated - rant away! That's what we're here for. You are always in my prayers.

Susan - thank you for the reality check. On days that I feel tired and cranky - I would hate to think of that being how my kids see/remember me. That really hit home - I hope to use that piece of advice to its fullest.

Sandra - congrats on finishing Radiation! I know that I was very fatigued by the end - but I don't remember the aches. It could be just the cumulative effect of laying on those *&^# tables! Something to be aware of as you complete rads: A few weeks past the completion of mine - I noticed some strange 'twinges' and slight discomfort. I was concerned about it, but was told that is very normal. As one of the nurses explained it to me - things are still 'cooking' for awhile after radiation completes. Of course contact your doctor if you have ANY concerns - but I thought I'd pass this on.

I'm making my summer vacation plans!!! I pretty much lost last summer - I'm going to enjoy this one as much as possible.

Warm thoughts to all of you!

Happy Birthday Peggy!!!!!!!! And many, many, many, many more!

*susan*

Leanne,

How wonderful! Just what you need; so _you_ time!!!! Whohoooo!!! I am all smiles here in Boston.

Hope this chemo round isn't too difficult.

*susan*

YES! Thank you for reminding us, Hopeful! I remember. This certainly has been an answer to prayer.

Leanne:
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!! lol
Michelle

Lynnell and Peggy -
Thanks for your compliments re hair. It doesn't really look blonde to me (well not the blonde I'm used to!) The jury is still out on colour - will just have to wait for some length.
I've posted a before and after on the picture forum for a comparison. (like you did Peggy)

And do I feel well? Yes - but fat. The 10 kilos I've put on is "weighing me down" literally AND figuratively. All my clothes are too tight , but the budget is extremely limited while paying for this herceptin. (We are hoping by July to have the drug before the Australian Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme. I am still lobbying, and speaking at a function in May)

Leeanne, what a wonderfull friend you have! Enjoy Mary Poppins! You deserve it!!

Sorry to hear about the ticket Peg. I like the good news though!!

Sandra, well done for finishing rads! Hope Herceptin comes through for you! How did your skin react to the rads?

Well, I am 8 rads down, 20 to go! Will also go on to Herceptin every 3 weeks from this Friday!

Michelle, I have the same problem with the weight. I have also put on 10kg, FEEL HEAVY. Bigger now than I was at 9 months pregnant. I eventually relented this weekend and bought bigger pants. Had to go 2 sizes up!! How embarassing. What is worse is that all the weight is around my waist, so the new pants fit around my waist my bum, but are way too big around my legs. I look like a blimp!!

Good luck with Weight Watchers Lynne. I have joined Sure Slim. They work out an eating plan according to blood type, sugar and cholestrol levels to is supposed to increase your metabolism, and stimulate Growth Hormone release. They do a quick weight loss program, and then put you on a maintenance programme after that. Really hope it works. Exercise still a mission. My legs still very weak and tired.

Question, how do I post a pic? Tried before, but can't seem to get it right!!

Have a good week ladies. Lood after yourselves!

Liezel

Hi everyone

Sorry i have been missing for so long.

This is my third week back at work now...started doing 9 - 12 for 2 weeks...this week im doing 9 - 2. It is going well. I had my catheter(port) out on friday, that went well.

I started arimidex three weeks ago...so far i get more hot flashes thru the day, plus the usual night ones...but they are not too bad. Only other side effect is legs ache when i get up...but it passes quickly.

Sandra

Good luck going back to work...i have found going back for a few hours at the start has really helped me "ease" back into working again.

Michelle
You look more beautiful with dark hair than with blonde.
I love the pics you have posted on the "bald" site.

Leanne
Im so pleased you will be getting the help you need.
Now you can focus on getting thru the chemo...im wishing you good luck when you get your scans.

Hugs ladies

Maxine

Leanne,

{{{{{}}}}}}}. What an impossible situation. I have seen your postings on other threads, and the lovely responses that you have received. Your scared, your son is scared, you are exhausted, and there is a downward spiral.

I have no idea how you change this while you are still in active treatment. You are going to feel like crap until at least two weeks post-chemo if your past reactions to this protocol are an accurate indication.

Do I have a clue what you can do? No, but here are a few thoughts:

1. playgroup- a place for him to use his energy while having fun with other kids
2. favorite 'aunt'- is there someone who can do special activities with him once or twice a week? or, conversely, someone who takes the baby so you can do a planned activity with the older one?
3. hate to say it, but videos. When I hit my LSP [lauren saturation point], we allowed her to watch her kirov ballet tapes.

But mostly, I think you can't be too darn hard on yourself. You are a good mother.... who has some bad days; the same way he is a good son who has some bad days. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. And wake each morning optimistic that you will have a good day together.

Ask for help. Use your new helper to find any way possible to find glimmers of hope.

Okay, this is way too long. What I really wish I could do is give you a huge hug, and we would sit on a couch giving each other strength. But you are so darn far away.... so instead you will have to accept my virtual hug.

Hang in there!

*susan*

Leanne, My heart goes out to you. When I was first dx I went spiraling down. All I could think about was my two little girls being without a mommy and how unfair it was. I would watch a commercial of a wedding and lose my mind or I would see a pregnant young women with her mother and freak. I would torture myself and wonder if I would ever get to be there for my girls for those moments. How can little girls be left without their mommy. Girls need their mommies!!!!!!! I finally had to stop. Those thoughts were just too much for me. I turned it around by thinking how things could be worse. (Now this is really crazy thinking but it helped me). I would think about one of my girls having cancer and then I would be okay that it was me and not them. I would take cancer 5 times over before I could bear watch them go through it. I would think of sudden death. How if I died in a car crash I would not have any time to say goodbye. In the middle of my treatment I had a friend Adriana 30yrs old went to the hospital to have her baby this past Christmas. She had to have a an emergency C section and had complications. She died and so did the baby. She left behind 2 little ones. Ever since that day I am grateful everyday that I wasn't her. That at least cancer gave me time. How much time? God only who knew but it was something more time than Adraina had. These thoughts as horrible as they were actually helped me keep it in perspective and I was grateful for having just one more day. I still feel that way. Anytime I start feeling depressed about my situation I think of Adriana. Pray for peace. I did everyday for months and finally it came one magical day. I finally surrendered to God and accepted my dx and only then did I feel peace. I agree with Michelle, Just one today at a time. I continue to include you in my prayers Leanne and think of you often. I am glad you have great friends that look out for you. I hope you have better days ahead.



Michelle -- love the new pic. I am glad your posting, missed you. Thanks for the PM.



Maxine, I will have my oopherectomy on 5/9 and then will start Arimedex 2 weeks after that. Looking forward to hot flahes, vaginal dryness, fatigue, mood swings and osteoporsis.



Lynee, I started Weight Watchers too. So far 8.4 lbs. I decided that I have been given a second chance at life and I will be damned if I don't do everything in my power to help myself. I am about 50 lbs overwieght. I also started working out, will start weight bearing exercises this week to help with that bone loss I am expected to get after my ovaries are out.



Nicole -- congrats on you last radiation.



Peg -- Happy Belated BDay Lead foot!!!!!!



Susan -- WOW a real concert in June. You must be thrilled.



I started work 3 weeks ago. Love the new position. No stress, I create eduational workshops for the nurses and go out with them to visit patients to ensure that they do proper wound care, good infection control etc... M-F 8-5.

It is good to wear my scrubs again.



I have my Lap Ooph on 5/9. I will have my MUGA scan, bone density test and vaginal ultrasound on 5/5. Lucky me.

I will be out of work for 3-4 weeks. Remember I am a Her 2 girl and still fly to Houston every 3rd Monday for my Herceptin -- 11 more months to go!!!! Thank God I have a understanding boss. Life is good here in the South. Loving life everyday. Grateful for every minute.



Marg