Husband couldn't deal with it

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t3charm
t3charm Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I am now 50, I was diagnosed with DCIS last August and within 3 weeks went through a biopsy, met with surgeon and plastic surgeon and had surgery. I only had about 3 weeks to wrap my head around what just happened. I just took the attitude that I will roll with the punches and do what I need to do. Fortunately, I did not need chemo or radiation. I did have a masectomy with reconstruction. Two days after my surgery, my husband told me "I let myself go" and then two weeks after that he moved out and filed for a divorce. It definately showed his charachter. I am doing great with the support of my family and children.  I am ready to get back out into the dating world, but am having a hard time getting those words out of my head. I know there are good men out there and I would love to meet one. I have been on dating sites, but find myself taking 2 steps forward and 1 back.

Any advice?

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited June 2012

    You must give yourself time! You're just getting through the physical and psychological ordeals of bc, reconstruction and divorce. My advice is to take it very slow in terms of dating and committments. You are very vulnerable. 

    Best wishes and ((((HUGS)))) 

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  • susan_02143
    susan_02143 Member Posts: 7,209
    edited June 2012

    How long ago did all of this transpire? Did you have your surgery last week, last month, last year, more than that? I think where you are in your own timeline does make a difference in how you put your toes into the dating pool.

    And, he is a pig!

    *susan* 

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited June 2012

    Yorkiemom gave you good advice. How about being selfish for awhile and focus solely on yourself and getting healthy and happy. Then you'll be ready to welcome a possible companion into your life.

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  • peggy_j
    peggy_j Member Posts: 1,700
    edited June 2012

    Wow, sorry that happened. FWIW, I consider a Dx in Aug to still be relatively recent. It takes time to process everything, not to mention the physical and emotional issues related to surgery and body image.

    In terms of moving onto a new relationship, the advice I'd always heard (even prior to BC) is that it takes about 1/2 the time of the relationship to fully recover from the relationship ending. i.e. if you were together two years, it takes one year to fully regroup. That sounds like a long time, doesn't it? I'm not sure if that's realistic, esp. if a relationship/marriage has lasted years and years. But it my mind, it makes me wonder if you're diving into the dating world too soon. It can be hard, esp. if most people you know are coupled-up, but I think waiting to date might be faster in the long run. (just in terms of relationships, I've heard that if you jump into one too quickly, you're more likely to end up dealing with the same issues in the next relationship, vs. giving yourself time to process and come at relationships with a new perspective). As others have said, take this time to focus on you and start courting yourself! Good luck!

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  • t3charm
    t3charm Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2012

    Thank You all for your advise. I had my surgery last August and he moved out Mid September. I definately am going to take what you have had to say and give myself more time.  I have felt I have been pushed by friends and family that it is all good and gone now and I should just move on with life. I havent had any pitty parties and have been very positive and have kept up home, children and work. Just looking for someone to do something with. It probably is too soon.  

    Thank You for your wisdom 

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  • t3charm
    t3charm Member Posts: 3
    edited June 2012

    Thank You so much!

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited June 2012

    Charm, I went through a divorce at age 35. Because I was truly broken-hearted I wanted a relationship to fill the void asap. Well, that didn't work out very well. I just couldn't let go of my feelings for my ex. Nobody measured up in my mind, and when I would be out with someone all I talked about was the ex. Then, about seven years post divorce, after I had pretty much given up that I would fall in love again, I met my DH of today. He said it was love at first sight. I was still guarded but did eventually fall, and hard. We celebrated our 20th anniversary last September with a trip to Hawaii. Meeting the right person does happen and will happen to you, most likely when you least expect it!

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