December 2011 Surgeries - want to wait together?

Kam-I am so sorry you had to lose your mother at such a young age and in such a cruel way.  You are right-there have been so many advances, we are in the best place to fight this beast and come out strong.

This group has been an amazing pillar for me to lean on over the last 8 months (goodness, it's been almost a year!).  I hope we will continue to support one another and share our stories for many Decembers to come.

I don't think about reoccurance very often-perhaps a bit of head in the sand syndrome. 

(((hugs)))

I don't know how you guys do it - stay so positive.  This thought enters my mind daily and sometimes I think coming to BCO exacerbates it...not this thread, but so many stories and I get so sad.  I've wanted to find a local support group, but apparently my community is just too small to sustain one on a continuing basis. I do think I will seek out a counselor to deal with this as cognitively, I do not know how to separate and process my story differently from my mother's.  I'm so caught up in reliving that memory and all of the emotional turmoil that came with it.

Ginger - on the cpap, I do remember my doctor telling me that the apnea symptoms, headaches, etc. would not disappear right away.  After about 2-3 weeks of continual use, they eventually did.  It took me awhile to get use to the mask, but I did. It takes determination. The payoff is incredible!  I wish you the best. 

KAM, ever since my Mom died of this disease, I have had bc in the back of my mind. As in, what would I do if and when. I kept up on studies, and kind of knew what way I would go. When I was Dx, I felt it was almost inevitable. My Mom had a BMX, they found the invasive in the breast they did not expect it in. (Of course, this was what happened to me, too.) But she had no other tx. I choose chemo and, of course Hetceptin which was not available back then . I wonder, now I know I am doing all I can do to get a better outcome than what my mom faced . That is all I can do. Much love to you.

Hey guys....I see a range of responses...for now, I must say, it's nice to know I'm not alone with these emotions.  I thought it might be "that dirty little secret."  Moonflwr- funny, for so many years I felt destined to get BC, but when I got 4 or 5 years past my mother's age at dx, and into menopause, I thought I had escaped it.  Little did I know my cousin (her mom, my mom's sister, also had BC) had BC 2 years previous.  Oh, how that news would have changed things for me.  In the meantime, I actually skipped my 2009 mammogram...who knows what I could have found 1 year earlier.   Unlike you, I chose to put my head in the sand about BC - who knew how complex it was!  Faith - I guess I see the difference between the Yale student's situation and "ours" is that she didn't have, as someone on BCO once said, "a gun pointing at her head" immediately preceding her death.  But on the flip side, if my chance of recurrence is 12% over the next 10 years according to my oncotype score, according to cancermath.net, my chance of dying of something else during the next 15 years is 15%! Somehow, that 15% doesn't scare me, but the 12% sure does. fitzdc - I'm so glad you have a supportive DH, with a sense of humor!!

I do think the real solution is reframing my mother's event and somehow disconnecting it from my own personal situation.  Today, on a walk with gf, she told me of how she recently changed her view on something.  She recently lost her father. They were very close and she just couldn't get over her grief and undeserved guilt cause she wasn't there at the moment he unexpectedly and suddenly died (he was in another part of the state and had a heart attack).  She went through one session of "bilateral brain stimulation"...something I've known as NLP, or Psychodrama, and she was literally cured of all of those undeserved feelings.  I was encouraged that after one session she was able to transform those feelings about her father's death.  On the other hand I've had over 4 decades to relive my mother's death...it might take more work, but I'm definitely going to try solve this problem.  This is no way to live.

Today my cousin died unexpectedly. She was in her early thirties, had an 18 month old daughter and was 5 months pregnant. Her husband found her this morning. There are no guarantees in life and I am not going to let worry take away the time I have. I will be 49 tomorrow and I am going to enjoy every moment I can!



Kam- I think it is a great idea to work through your emotions/memories. The brain is a powerful organ and negative emotions really take their toll on us. Wishing you the best!

The CPAP went well last night. I woke up feeling less like I had waged a war in my sleep.

Faith - hugs to you for trying to undo my funk.  I honestly think I need professional help to reprogram my story.  No glasses half full around here!  Since I have 7 more chemos (one more Taxolm then 6 weeks of Carbo), I think finding an oncologist therapist in the town I do chemo in would be best...if one even exists. Seems like any counselor I would get needs to know the stats of BC to provide believable reframing.  btw, isn't your surgery coming up in June?

Ginger - sorry I missed your birthday news.....enjoy your day!! 

Blessings - I think what you are saying is that your MO is saying that cancermath.net looks at mortality, not recurrence, so while the odds are good, some of those survivors during that 15 year period have mets?? Is that what you mean?  So naturally, cancermath.net would be more generous with survival numbers compared to life without a recurrence, which Oncotype reports.  Also, their timeframe is 15 years, while Oncotyping is 10 years, somewhat offsetting the two different measurements. 

Not depressed, just a bit obsessed with numbers and outcomes.  

Kam, keep it in perspective for what it is. You and I have similar diagnosis. My Mother also had breast cancer at my age was one of the lucky ones to survive and 30 years later she is still here with us at the age of 87. We don't know where life will lead us.



You are a stage one, not stage 4 so grab life, count your blessings, keep busy, walk outside, pick a fun non stressfull job, read, feel the sun on your face, take a weekend getaway, lunch with friends, have a glass of wine and laugh, but most of all give yourself permission to put this up on the back shelf for now. Take a vacation from it. If and when we all need support we are here for each other. I don't want to wallow in it, I don't want to live life in stress and worry with the what if's. We are alive it was caught early, so live!!

Thank you Spunky girl I'm taking my own advise and getting outside on this beautiful Chicago day with my partner in crime loyal yellow lab Bogie!! Then making my husband take me out to lunch haha!!



love and hugs to all you Dec sisters!!! You got me through more than you will ever know



Karen

Bogie et al - When I expressed my feelings, it was something I had been holding inside for months.  I wondered, above all, if others were having similar feelings and fears. Sometimes misery does need company.  It doesn't seem so and I say great for all of you, honestly.

Bogie, in your own message, your own mother is a survivor of 30 years.  This is your backstory, and colors your positive outlook, don't you think? Otherwise, why mention it?  You are also an oncoscore of 7, while I am 39...amongst the highest on BCO without being Her2 positive (who are all over 50, usually).   Even if I was an oncoscore of 5, I still might feel this way with my mother's story, who knows?  The bottomline is this is my mindset, for whatever reason.

This is not something a walk in the sunshine cures...btw, which I did yesterday for 4 miles, and do everyday I can manage while doing heavy duty chemo, and laugh, rarely cry, go to work when I can, to a great job (most of the time)...this dark perception has been hardwired in my brain for 40 plus years.  I am already at the step where I acknowlege I need professional help to work this out, but I came here just to see if I was alone in these feelings or not. (Honestly, I'm very surprised I am alone in this - if I interpreted other's comments, or lack of, correctly.)  Not looking for advice...maybe an empathetic ear. This is not something I can talk myself out of......but I do appreciate the support.

It fluctuates w me - during chemo my ca153 tumor marker elevated, my onc didn't think it was anything to worry about because it started to decline in the next test. But I worried. As a precaution she had me do a PET, I worried until I got the results. I went to my primary for pre-op clearance and on Friday they called at 4:55 to say I need to come in on tomorrow. I pried it out of the nurse that my white counts were still low. My mind goes to it was only 18 days from my last tx when they drew blood and it can take 21 days before we fully recover to maybe my immune system is permanently trashed. Either way, it led to melt down friday night because even just this chemo phase refuses to end. I am doing what I need to do, I show up for whatever they tell me to do and the finish line keeps getting streched. Meltdowns tend to help flush the anger, frustration and helplessness out.



My belief up until November 21 was that I would follow the path of my maternal grandmothers - i feared that i would live into my 90s but battle severe Alzheimer's for 20 years. Now my preconceived belief is completely scrambled. I guess what I'm saying is I let a worry come into my mind and then try to resolve/file it.

Fitzdc, when is your surgery?  I am ALLLLLLL cleared for June 14th surgery I've seen the shirts/slogan 'yes they are fake the real ones tried to kill me.'  I want to get one made that says 'The real ones tried to kill me so my butt and thighs stepped up to replace them'