it's been quite a year
Comments
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Golden....loved the words of your horoscope. They have a lot of meaning for me as well. I continue to try to find meaning in every day and not look backwards to what was. Some days are harder than others. I find that if I try to see my life from a place of gratitude, even the sucky parts can have meaning and teach me something as I move along the road of life.
Misswim....so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. So young. I hope that grieving for your friend will help you move along your own path of grieving what has been lost in your life.
Take care all. I'm off to have lunch with a group of BC ladies I have met through the Breast Cancer Resource Center here in my city. There is lots of great energy in these groups. We have all been through so much.....
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misswim..so sorry about your friend. It is hard to cope with things like that it makes your cancer seem more real.
Golden01: I am experiencing the same. People think surgery and Chemo done ( doing radiation now). I appear to be more "normal" so in the eyes i'm done...ok your getting better right? My family like to do the denial thing, and like you said people seem to be sick of talking about it. I know how they feel i am sick of having cancer and dealing with it every day! When i try to talk about things in the future as if I will still be strugling, they look at me like what? Oh well
some days are better than others....
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Pyjama parties are fun and I want to join in too!! I have completed my treatment (except for the Tamox), and have tried to move on. Some friends and family are still dwelling on the illness part and making it difficult to move on. I just received an email from a "friend" saying she is being intrusive and really wants to know how I am progressing. I know that she just wants "material" so that she can just gossip about me. Some friend!!
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mamglam.... I had to weed out some "friends"..We talked about this one day at a support group I go to..It seems like some people just like being on the cancer bandwagon, like it impresses people they know because they can say they know someone who has cancer.It was interesting on this journey to see who the friends were. Some people you thought were going to support didn't. Its been a long journey. i am also starting tamoxifin after radiation.
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Speaking of weeding out, I've found myself avoiding certain people who in the past I'd just tolerate their negativity. But these are people who would actually have arguments with me, telling me I'm wrong to have a positive state of mind! And this was pre-cancer... anyway, now I'm finding I don't feel guilty whatsoever in avoiding these people. Some were actually very close friends of ours that we'd go on vacation with when our kids were younger. I've had enough toxicity that randomly developed in my body; why should I choose to associate with the toxicity of other people at all?
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orangemat....well said!
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Esther- I am weeding out the garden BIGTIME. It is actually kind of empowering. I figure, if you are my friend, its for good, bad and ugly. And if you don't love me for who I am now, or you are only there when things are easy, than really, i don't have alot of room for you in my life, because truly, life really is too short. I have alot of patience and forgivness in me, but toxic people have to go.
Golden: I am glad you can relate to how I feel. I had a crazy busy day at work today and I had an opposite moment from my weekend experience. I found myself smiling at the fact that things felt back to normal. I guess it will come in fits and spurts.
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I found with a BC dx your friends and family seemed to separate into different camps- the cancer groupies who wanted every miniscule detail of your treatment, the cancer phobics who suddenly acted like you had the plague and it was contagious, the well meaning but clueless who didn't know what to say so usually said nothing and acted like the elephant wasn't in the room and then there was the ones who stood steadfast by your side. I hope all of you had some of these. They saw you at your worst, asked what they could do and really wanted something to do and let you know in a million ways they were there for you. I've embraced them and told them what it meant to me. I've forgiven the clueless. I think they meant well and some have apoligized for not knowing what to say. Most of the groupies were mere acquaintances so not really on my radar. But the phobic fair weather friends camp has been completely dismantled and they've been bused to Siberia. Funny thing- I don't miss them and it's so much more peaceful around here.
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Kate, what about the group who acted as if you were dying and congratulated your every move? I'm sorry, but people like that, who kept on saying I was such "an inspiration", ugh, couldn't stand them. Of course I'd be out walking and running as soon as I physically could! That's who I am! We don't change our strengths just because we've been diagnosed with a disease. This is just the time when those strengths are called upon, to get us through the challenges.
I'm sorry, I'm probably making no sense. With the diagnosis comes the sense of being conflicted. I want the recognition of having gotten through it, but I don't want that experience to define who I am. Better yet, I don't want it to have ever had happened in the first place, but we all know that's not the point here...
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Esther- I forgot about that group! You're so strong, you're so brave, blah, blah, blah. One of my friends did a fundraiser so she could race for Komen. I felt like I had to attend but everyone kept looking at me like they were all there for me. I wanted to say, "Hey, this isn't for me! That ship has sailed! I already lost my boobs!" lol! I know they had good intentions (at least that's what I kept mumbling under my breath all evening) but I wanted to say all the racing, fund raising, rah rahs are nice but where were you when I came home from having my MX? How about a simple chicken cassarole and even a phone call?
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Ain't it the truth. I don't need you to wear a pink bracelet for me. I need you to run by the house and let the dog out.
I have friends who've been great, don't get me wrong. One friend at work has listened when I wanted to talk and kept her mouth shut when I couldn't bear to spend one more minute dealing with BC. A couple of others have been great about checking in, seeing if there was anything I needed from the store, did I need a ride, etc., Then there have be a lot who just didn't know what to say... fortunatly not a lot of the groupy types or the "you're so strong" I'd have to hurt them.
Then there is one lady who is just mad at me because I've been able to maintain a somewhat normal work schedule. I have flexable hours, and can work from home, so I've be able to miss very little work, and no deadlines. She's not sick, but she can't get herself to work more than 4 days out of 5 on her best days, and she just really gets grouchy at me. Sorry. I'm sicker than you and I can still work circles around you.
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Cindy- "I don't need you to wear a pink bracelet for me. I need you to run by the house and let the dog out."
That one made me laugh out loud! -
I guess I was really fortunate. My friends and neighbors were really spot on with what I needed and were truly there for me. And most of my family was the same. Funny thing was, the two people (my sister and my mother) who you would think would have your back all the way, no.....they did not have a clue and to this day, have not contributed any to my well being or recovery. Maybe they are scared for their own boobs. I just don't know. But I do know that I have moved through as best as I could and have come out the other side whole and more confident that I can weather what ever life throws my way. Don't get me wrong....this cancer thing really sucked the big one and there are days when I think about the past year and I want to throw up!! But, I'm good and will continue to be. I know for sure that when someone I love faces something like this...I'll be the one doing their grocery shopping and leaving a chicken casserole on the front porch!
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I just reread my original post in the this thread, to see if the week that's gone by has changed my outlook at all. I think it has. I was in physical therapy today and one of the other patients there, an active looking guy who was rehabbing his knee asked me what I was "in for". Now I'm fit and strong looking, and like I said, I'm a runner, so I'm sure it was tough for him to figure out why I was doing lat pull-downs with no issue. I tried to hedge, saying it was "reconstruction-related, chest and shoulder area", he didn't get it, and asked if I had some congenital thing that needed fixing... god bless him, so great that for once, the word "reconstruction" doesn't automatically equal BC in someone's mind.
Though once I did tell him that I had had breast cancer, and they had put the implant under the chest muscle, blah blah blah, he was all "you're such an inspiration, you're so positive" and all that crap. Yeah, positive my a$$.
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Ooh, I see you've all been chatting away while I was agonizing over my last post!
Yeah, 1openheart, my SIL has been the same way, not acknowledging anything on my part. How could she, because all the horrible things always happened to her (or so she claimed). Or if anything, she'd only talk about one of her co-workers, who had it SO much worse, being a more advanced stage, was pregnant at the same time, who knows what else. True, her co-worker did it have it much worse than me, but that shouldn't minimize what I've experienced, especially since I'm related to her!
The best was one night at dinner at my in-laws, my SIL is complaining about one thing or another, and blurts out "oh, all the most horrible things happen to me!". I looked her straight in the face and said "NO THEY DO NOT!" For a while I would get the shakes thinking about going to dinner with the entire extended family as we normally do, most every Friday night.
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I'm so glad that I have this place to vent and see that I am not alone in dealing with clueless people!!! I really don't know where people's heads are when they start talking about someone they know who has a reoocurance, or is having horrible side effects from treatment or who has died from a similar diagnosis. I think people just babble on when they are uncomfortable with illness. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt most of the time, because I'm afraid I may have done the same thing a time or two before I was wearing the shoes I am now. Now, I just make sure I am looking directly into their eyes and giving my full attention to what ever they are telling me. And hopefully, I can say something that will be encouraging or maybe its better to say nothing and just be accepting of where they are and what they are feeling.
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I hated being told how "heroic" I was; how "inspirational" and "courageous". There was nothing heroic, inspirational or courageous about it. I just did what had to be done. Period. Besides, it made me feel like they were expecting me to keel over at any moment. Um. Hello? People do survive this!
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I think people short change themselves....for the most part, we all do what we have to do. What is the alternative? Curl up and give up? I don't think most of us would do that.
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ok a comment about clueless people.......I have been told this oh poor them they don't know what to say ..blah blah blah..i didn't know how to handle cancer but guess what i learned.....
and by the way to all the 'clueless people" you can google " what to do or say to someone who has cancer!
ok I vented again..thank you all
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Anyone in their pajamas yet?
A different thought that came to mind to me recently was about when I meet brand new people. Other runners mostly, I suppose, because physicality is the prevailing mindset there, and that's totally fine with me. I used to be a personal trainer, then a yoga teacher, so physical form and strength and all that has always important to me. Not so much a defining force in who I am (well maybe...), but certainly something I was very interested in.
But I digress...
So when I meet new people, I find it difficult not tell them about the surgeries I've had this past year. Do I feel guilty about them, like I need an excuse as to why I'm not as strong and as able as I think I should be? Do I feel like I'm being deceitful to these new folks if they don't know the whole truth and story behind who I am? Why do I feel that way?? I don't owe anyone these truths, but still I feel some odd sense of obligation to divulge all. I don't like that. I want to be free of it. Yeah, I need therapy, I know. Well I was seeing a therapist last fall but she was involved in a near fatal accident and now I have no one. I didn't like her much, but still, that's not the way you stop going to therapy, sheesh.
And now I've probably overshared even more than is acceptable here on BCO... -
I went to work for awhile today and was back into my soft and pretty pajamas as soon as I got home! In regards to telling new people, I also often mention what I've been through but recently spent a week at a physical therapy retreat for my husband and sister where I only talked about my breast cancer to three people. It took some effort for me not to talk (and maybe to not think about) breast cancer during that week. One was the husband of a participant who shared that his wife had been through treatment for breast cancer just before being diagnosed with a neurological disorder. Another was a friend of my sister who got the results of her breast biopsy via phone while at the week-long retreat. Her doctor had scheduled an MRI and lumpectomy for the following week. I shared the BCO website with her too. I can't imagine getting all the news and making the arrangements by phone while she away and participating in 3+ hours of exercise every day. The third one was a woman that shared she was a 12 year breast cancer survivor. Her words were helpful and comforting to me.
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Esther- I don't think there is any such thing as oversharing on BCO. it's what we do! I still feel compelled to share my experiences over the last year but I have not met many new people lately. I think it is because they notice my frozen shoulder or lymphedema sleeves and it just comes up. But I am still processing this past year and truly believe somewhere in my future all this will take a back seat.
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Esther- Funny you should post this because I found myself doing the same thing to my new hair stylist today. What possessed me to share such a personal thing with some little 20-something I have no idea. Maybe for the same reasons you listed. Maybe just to explain away why I feel and look so old! lol! I don't know but I do it, too, and sometimes feel I'm oversharing. BTW, yep, got my p.j.'s on!!!
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It is good to hear that other women have issues with perhaps over sharing information with people known and not so known! I too have ended up telling hairdressers and shop assistants within five minutes of being there. I'm not sure why, maybe I feel I need to justify my spending haha.
Also I don't feel very removed from what has been happening over the last six months and I still have more surgery in two weeks time. On the outside I look fine (probably better than ever) but in the mirror I look like Frankenstein and it is still a constant reminder. My scars still hurt and clothes irritate me - my pjs are the only thing soft enough to soothe!
I don't like to go on about it to my family or most friends (there is one godsend who positively insists I tell her like it really is) as I don't think they need to hear it, and I feel I should be getting over things by now. I keep trying to imagine how differently I might feel when a year has gone by. -
PJs still on this morning! I am not a big sharer which I guess is why my posts are so short. (c: But I understand and it has helped me so much to have this place to come and read even if not posting. Love meeting people in person and on the phone though!
At two years out, with one (knock wood) more surgery and being able to do Bike the Drive with my family this year, I am starting to really come out of "it". I see the light! (c:
Hugs to all.
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It's weird, isn't it? I want to put breast cancer behind me; keep it firmly in the past, but - I too - fight this urge to confide in all and sundry. Sometimes, I - quite literally - bite down on the insides of my cheeks to remind myself to keep my mouth shut ... especially with people that I've only just met!
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I remember back to when I had my son. I wanted to tell everybody about my labor experience. I think it is in most women's DNA to want to talk about experiences, especially those that have had a huge impact in our lives, as a way to process what it means to us. Hearing myself speak of the experience, helps me to work through it. And, yes, I find that I can talk to complete strangers about this stuff. I'm a year out and still find I need to talk about it...but I try to do most of it here now. I know my friends and family care and would never tell me it is time to move on, but I think they may feel that way. This site is like a double edged sword though....I am drawn to it because I can vent when I need to, hopefully help others by sharing my experiences and continue to learn from others. But, I know it makes it harder to put the past year in the rear view mirror when I am constantly checking my lipstick in it!
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How many reading this thread have been to a support group? I chose not to even though the Cancer Navigator really encouraged me to back between my lumpectomy and BMX. I didn't feel I had the energy to hear about anybody's problems but my own back then. I go to other classes at the Wellness Community (yoga, relaxation, lectures on cancer topics like lymphedema) and find it a supportive place but hadn't thought about going to a support group this far down the road. All the activities are free and for people with cancer as well as their friends and family. I'd be interested in learning about your experiences and recommendations.
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i have been to a support group. We have a Breast Cancer Coalition where i live, and they have all kinds of groups, all free. i go tone call Brown Bag Friday its low key, we talk about a different topic each week. They also offer a writing group which i just joined, I will go to my first one this Tuesday. They offer Yoga art etc.. I went when i was first diagnosed and met with the directoe who offers breast cancer 101! its a wonderful organization
Ihope everyone has a wonderful weekend
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Openheart- You're right! It is like needing to talk about our children's births. I wonder why men never feel the need to process things like we do? My DH was just dx with Parkinson's last year and I swear he hasn't said more than a dozen words about it. I had my MX 2 years ago and he's been very supportive but I'm sure he's wondering when the talking about it will end. (BTW, the "checking your lipstick" comment made me smile. I've thought the same thing about BCO. Sometimes I take a little break but find myself drawn back here.)
Golden- I think support groups work for some people but I'd much rather show up here in my p.j.'s. I find in person, for whatever reason, I don't feel as free with my thoughts. And I think sometimes in a group everyone is so focused on thinking about what they want to say next they aren't really listening to the person that's talking. I like to think that here I hear what everyone has to say. But I think for others that human contact or connection is what they're craving so it works for them.
jittersmom- Your support group sounds very interesting especially the writing group!
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