Great saying about depression

Good night, my dear friends. All of you help me so much everyday. Thanks for being here.

Barbe- HaPpY bElAtEd BiRtHdAy!!!!!

Donna- I'm trying to throw myself back 2 years ago and conjure up the emotions I was feeling in hopes of helping you in some way.  I remember feeling as though I was walking around in a fog trying to wrap my brain around what I was about to do.  I found myself trying to get my house perfect in preparation and it somehow reminded me of the nesting all mothers seem to do before having their babies.  Only this time you don't come home with a perfect little baby but, instead, leave a piece of yourself behind.  I won't ever say it was easy but I found it wasn't as physically hard as I thought it was going to be.  I think we're all a lot stronger than we think we realize until we're tested in some way.  You are, too.  I'm sorry you're having to go through it, though.  Just know we're all here for you- whatever you need- advice, comfort, a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear.  (((hugs)))

Elizabeth- Hope you don't mind me sharing your thoughts from the other thread.  It just summed up so perfectly and succintly my thoughts and mood these days. 

I really wish we were all close enough to meet in person. Or that one of us won the lottery and rented an island Caribbean  and flew us all together for a week or two. . .  A girl can dream. Everyday I read about everyone's struggles and think how we are all so lucky, we have a place to go to that will understand our trials and tribulations. People that understand that some days we just don't want to smile, some days we just don't want to leave the house. Some days we are too tired to cry.  You all get it. And everyday, I come on here and meet my friends and feel their love their warmth, their true concern. I am rewarded tremendously with your generosity of spirit and compassion. I am overwhelmed by y'all's strength. Everyday I am amazed at the capacity y'all have to get thru the day. Absolutely at awe. 

I may not have many close friends in my life, but I hold all of you very dear. 

Donna, like Kate I'm trying to go back to remember it all. I think what I remember most is how just almost paralysed with fear I was - being in a fog- totally. You just do what you have to and try and make your brain wrap around small day to day things cause if you really think about it you will fall apart. For me, the time right before the surgery was truly the worst. I guess it is the anticiaption and the fear or not really knowing what is going to happen and what you will feel like. But if you can think that this is the worst and it is better from now on maybe it will help.

I'm not saying it is ever really OK as the emotional part hits later. However I just remember once it was done - it was done. You can't bring them back so somehow your mind deals with that part. Later you will grieve and be sad but it isn't the total fear you are feeling right now. At least what I got from your message is how I felt. Once the surgery was done then I just concentrated on healing and doing what I was supposed to do and I was so tired ... well you just get through it. But the time right before when I was just so scared is what I remember and I'm so sorry. I hate this happening to any and all of us! I just remember thinking but I don't want to do this, why doesn't that matter? It does but you have to do what you can to live and to live as long a life as possible with the strongest and best quality so if losing your breast/breasts will give you that then that is what needs to happen. Just know we are all here for you, night or day and feel free to rant and rave, cry and grieve - we will hold you up. We all made it though and so can you, it will be all right. One person said early on to me which I always agreed with. It is doable. For me somehow that helped. Anyway, as you can tell, it did bring it back for me and probably always will till there is some new better method or a cure or better yet let's go for a total prevention! 

Look at lovely wonderful 3-jays and Barb - if anyone can give you inspiration and strength they can!!! 3-jays- I too have roscea - are you British decent or Northern European - I'm all the British Isles, England, Ireland and Scotland and pretty much a given for me to have roscea but the cremes do work! Hang in there everyone... 

 Kate did I miss you are doing fat grafting again??? 

I vote we all do get together and we all know who we hope brings cupcakes!

<edit for silly typo> 

Diane and Elizabeth - Thank you for being here too!

3Jays - You have the greatest responses for doctors, I can't think that quick. It was so good to hear the joy in your post when you spoke of the grands, those really are the moments to bask in your present. Enjoy the "beach, bed, and movies" I think I see barn, bed, and movies in my immediate future! I find peace in the barn, really need catch-up sleep, and good movies always take me away (aaahhhh...freedom from BC for a while).

Kate - I had planned on getting so much done in the house in preparation for surgery. I started and it was definitely therapeutic - felt like nesting, yes! But this week, well, I am barely able to get the day-to-day basics done. But I really don't care about the big To-Do list anymore. I am pretty sure my downward spiral right now is due to not getting enough sleep. It has been pretty hectic here and I don't get to bed til sometimes midnite or later (had a few sick calves, vet visits, and supporting DH as he is in anxious crop seeding mode here on the farm). I am making a serious effort to get more sleep AND to get in a few moments of relaxation from time to time - let's see how that goes. Thanks for (((hugs)))!

Debbie - Wow, I really hear what you went thru, I am kind of doing the same thing. Trying to live my life leading up to this surgery as if everything is fine, I'm holding it together for everyone else. Now that the surgery is so close I am running out of the energy it takes to keep up that strong front. Joey my dog feels my emotion just like yours did, so sweet! He's a border collie and I swear sometimes I think those dogs are telepathic. My husband is very supportive but this DCIS thing has been going on for so long now that he has gotten used to the idea of what will be in store and it's pretty much business as usual on the farm. His mind is on the machinery, weather, and crop seeding deadlines, as it should be, but I hardly see him now and in the evenings I don't want to bother him with my sadness.

Claire - I thought of the same thing! What a great time we would all have!

Tomorrow I go to the city (3 hours away) for the surgery pre-assessment and possibly to the specialty store for "all things mastectomy" I'm thinking special bras, jammies and the like. I will let you all know how that goes!! 

(((Group HUG!!!)))

Have any of you heard of, or joined, Army of Women?  Here's what they're all about-

Join us in this movement that will take us beyond a cure by creating new opportunities to study what causes breast cancer—and how to prevent it.

They have a current research study going on that I'm going to sign up for and thought some of you might be interested, too.  You can go to armyofwomen.org to sign up.  If you're selected the research study just involves answering a series of questions about the impact of your BC surgery on your long term health, QOL and satisfaction of medical care.  There's lot of other studies you can sign up for, too.

Study Summary The information gained from this research about the well-being and quality of life of women with breast cancer will be used to develop programs and services. 

quilted ta-tas, I am wishing you the best of luck with your mastectomy. Sending gentle hugs to you.

Kate, I have been a member of the Army of Women for years, too. So far, I have answered a couple of surveys for them and have recruited some of my friends to join. Also, I was flattered that you chose to quote me. Glad I could help. 

3jays mom: you make me laugh out loud.  People are so caught up in what others think of them, or worrying about what others might think of them, and the basic truth, I think, is who are they that people are examining them under an microscope?  You are truly a "Wonder Woman" -  nothing stops you!

Barbe: while I'm doing my hero worshiping I have to tell you that since I have joined here your humor, zest for life and the ability to cut through all the crap and see and say it as it is makes sit up and say 'if Barbe can get there/do it, well, get off my butt and get going'.

 And the rest of you who were here when I started reading: Kate, Claire, Diane, Stanzie, and our dear Mary, you gave me the power to get out of bed each morning....and if I left your name out, it wasn't on purpose!

Now in the last couple of months there are more of us, and you have brought more help, insight, wisdom, caring and friendship.  For that I thank you.

My Dr wasn't available today so I saw a different Dr, a GP, in the office.  I got talking about how I still had periods of depression, hours, rather than the days I used to have hiding under the covers or in the closet crying and told her it's been  26 months since my diagnosis and I still think about my bc and have a fear of it returning, even though I had a DM and she told me she had BC 20 years ago and she felt it took about 5 years to really leave the negative thoughts behind.  She said it was first one surgery then another treatment, then another surgery and she felt it would never stop.  I said I felt I had no reserve energy for dealing with things and people and she said it will come back, but 2 years is really too soon to expect myself to be 'over' it.  She said everyone around you who loves you thinks its done with but she said it's still within our psyche and only time and talking to people like on here would help.

So, I'm really okay and she said I'm doing really well coping.  Hmmm, a surprise to me but it's thanks to all of you!

Have a good weekend - ours here in Doonan is going to be a wet one.

Debbie- I think it's great that the GP validated your feelings.  I think that goes a long way in this whole process.  I wish more doctors would realize that and include it in their bedside manner.  My GP of 15 years also had BC, DCIS and MX so truly understands a lot of my issues physically.  We've never really gotten into the emotional stuff though.  She always seems so together and I feel like such a mess.  But then I'm thinking on the outside people probably think I am so together, too.  I think only my DH and all of you realize what's truly going on under the mask.  

Hope everyone's having a good Memorial Day weekend.  Yesterday didn't work out quite like we hoped.  Our son was away for the evening and my DH and I were looking forward to a quiet evening together when a couple down the street did a pop in.  It was nice visiting at first but as the clock ticked by I saw all our alone time evaporating.  They finally left at 11:30 p.m.!  They're good friends of ours so we didn't get too upset but who does a pop in and stays for 3 1/2 hours?!?!  We've had actual parties that didn't last that long!   

Hope everyone else is getting lots of quality time doing whatever your quality time includes!   

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Everyone who's down!! }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hugs to 3jaysyou and Stanzie..sorry you're both having a lousy weekend. Stanzie are you on AI's? Sorry if you mentioned it before but sounds like you're experiencing se of those drugs. If its really bad call your doc. I know lots of BCO ladies take effexor for hot flashes. Of course doesnt help that its 90a degrees out. Hope you find some relief.

3jays I am sorry you're blue but glad coming here helps. We love you and are here for you any time! I will keep you posted about Florida hopefully nothing changes



Ive been on antihistamines all weekend. I feel like a zombie i itch so freaking bad from poison oak AND disgusting yeast infection on my skin ...thanks chemo...i took medrol pack for poison oak brought out yeast a thousand times worse alllllll over stomach and back..so itchy..then my doc called in diflucan which insurance wouldn't approve but I was so bad yesterday i said i don't care what it costs i need diflucan....it was $19.98 for 6 pills and I have no idea why insurance wouldn't approve. Ridiculous!



Kate sorry your neighbors ruined your alone time with your hubby. I hope he makes it up to you soon



Barbe glad you have another doc that will do something for you. Still scary.



Have a good weekend...stay cool.

Hi everyone.  I have been MIA for a few days.  Saturday I went to see my cousin and his family.  This is the cousing who is neither speaking to his brother or his parents.  It breaks my heart.  What with all the health problems I've had I have not been up to driving myself 22 miles to get to his house.  Well, Saturday I did.  Their kids are getting so big.  I just love them. It did my heart good to see them.  As a family, we celebrated everything at their house.  Now, since they are not speaking - no more.  Its a shame.  Last Saturday we went to my youngest sister's house to celebrate birthdays for my brother (May 17) and my sister (May 20).  For once my youngest sister did not invite all her friends to a family celebration so it was lovely and relaxing.  The food was great and the weather perfect.  So that's two days I am so grateful for!

I hope everyone got through this holiday weekend.  I personally hate holidays.  I consider them disruptions to my routine and you know how us old people hate change!

Hi everyone - recognize many of you.  It's been a quiet, yet productive memorial weekend. Body aches now but may try to squeeze in a bike ride.  Got to do something about these abs......

Read back a ways.  Loved Bill Rancic's tweet.  Funny thing is........for me, so few showed up; even fewer stayed. Walls are up pretty high these days.  I think the yard work and sunshine helped with the depression.  There is an underlying sadness;  I cry so easily now!  But I realized today too that my life is pretty clean as in - there is no BS in it any more  Many of those people are gone now and that has been a good thing.  Goal :  To lead a genuine and authentic life.  Love this one:  "I feel like I just cannot be the person I was before BC, but I do not know who I am yet."  Exactly.

Donna - From my experience this time you are in was the worst time.  I knew for 6 weeks that I would lose my breast and that was such a painful, awful place to be.  I didn't do the strong thing; well maybe at work.  Did do the sobbing into my pillow thing.  Lots. Couldn't wrap my head around it.  Was so fearful about the sexuality aspect and just losing a part of ME, my body.  I know your husband sounds like a busy guy but make sure you spend some extra time together.  You don't want any resentments later creeping into your marriage.  My Mom and sister went up north the day after my MX for 3 weeks; Took my youngest with them so he could have fun.  I said it would be just fine - don't think about me. Wow - don't know if I would've handled it differently now, but I don't think I'll forget. Think about the hospital.  My Mom was supposed to call people and let them know I was okay in the evening.  She didn't do so until the phones were shut off.  I laid there waiting for people to call and see how it went. Later, at home when recuperating,  I DO wish I would have called friends, said - come and sit with me, watch a movie with me,  I need some company.  I spent most of the summer alone.  My teens were so busy with college, work, etc. and that was what they should have been doing.

I was in an awful place this time last year.  June 30th will be one year post MX.  But feelings do become less raw and life regains its beauty, to some extent.  I did lots of planting today; Love my flowers.  They save me. So do my sisters on here.

Peace.