it's been quite a year

I would love to join this "support group" --- pj's and all ---

I am so not me .... I have put on weight because I allowed myself bad behaviours when I was diagnosed and then have not stopped.  I know what to do and how to do it but I cannot get motivated ....

Sometimes I feel like I am in a daze.  My friends and family see the "up" me ... rarely do they see the real me.  I know that they have over the period of 6 months but my treatment is over and I am physically healing after radiation and life is to return to NORMAL.  What is that. 

Thanks for this thread -- it is obvious we need it.

Esther- I think your ramblings, as you put it, have resonated with a lot of us who are struggling with the same feelings and issues. Call it a club, support group or whatever it sure helps to know others are dealing with the same thing. I think society and the media make it look so easy- lose your breasts and maybe your hair, bounce back quickly and within months you're running a race in your pink t-shirt good as new. For a lot of us it's nowhere near that easy so it was a relief to see it wasn't that easy for some others too. I think each thread I post on is it's own support group!

Joanne I think most people see the feeling good us--it natural--we come here and say what's really going on. And I like that-we get it off our chests, what left of them or no chests LOL

Denise, I'm kind of laughin cuz someone said to me this morning--gee I know someone who had chemo and she was fine in less than 1 year.

How do u even remark about all we go thru, with so much chemo and operations and rads and meds.and ood old SIDE EFFECTS--So I said everyne is different with different types of cancer.

I have just finished reading through this thread and I can so relate to so much of what was said.  

 "I feel like I just cannot be the person I was before BC, but I do not know who I am yet"......I too feel this way, some days much more than others.  When I find myself thinking this, I remind myself that the universe is in constant flux and me being a part of that same universe is also constantly changing from moment to moment in ways that I cannot feel or even comprehend.  That makes the big, noticeable changes seem more manageable to me somehow.   I, too, am still in PT and I still have breast pain off and on.  It is better.  I went for over 2 weeks without any pain, but it has been back for the past couple of days.  A constant reminder every time I move my arm or flex my muscles.   I'm trying to grow and learn from this b.c. experience and hopefully come out the other side a stronger, wiser and better person.

I just passed my one year diagnosis anniversary and my UMX anniversary is coming up in June.  Below is what I posted on my one year anniversary:

I got through this because I had to and you will too.  This site was truly a life saver in rough seas.  Thanks to all of you who were there for me.  Most of you don't even know how much you helped me.   I lurked for months and only joined a couple of months ago because I felt it was time to pass it forward.  Thank you, thank you a million times over. 

I am only 8 months out from dx.  But I totally know what you all are talking about.  I am so profoundly different than I was.  I feel like I got my life ordered and arranged just the way I wanted it, just to wake up from bc and find I was living a life perfectly suited to someone I no longer was. 

I cannot move on, though it seems like there isn't much left to process.  I just cannot leave it behind me.  I think, for me, it is because I am now reconstructing a new life, one that is better suited to the new me...and that is hard.  There are days that I feel crushed by the world...and there are days that the world lifts me up...but there are very few hum-drum normal days...  This has been such an INTENSE journey.

Denise- I love that your friend said "geez, did you know what you were getting into with this mess?"- like you had a choice!  

OH, I have to do all that?!?  I didn't know that!  Could I please have the less complicated treatment?  Oh, there isn't one?  Well, nevermind then.   

Joanne 53.......

I know what you mean, people see one thing but I feel like another person. I have also gained weight while I was on chemo, along with everything else I just feel like crap. I am 10 treatments away from being done with radiation. I don't even remeber what normal is? I will be on herceptin until Decmeber and i am still bald. it is hard for me to motivate, its like something is always hanging over my head! I am glad i can come here and vent with people that get it!

I love this thread and I am in my pajamas! Pretty ones that button up the front with a great robe. Just had my new nipples added a little over a week ago and have found everyone, including me is really tired of another surgery! I'll be coming up on marking the first year since my diagnosis in July. It is a journey.

As far as the news ones stick out right now, everyone at the grocery store will be seeing them whether I want to show them or not! Makes me think of that old Sex in the City episode when Miranda wore fake nipples while walking through the bar.

Aday, Congratulations on the two year mark! I don't think I've even been able to think of what it might be like when I do the same. Thank you for helping me look ahead.

Hoping it is not too late to join.

I thought so much about this very subject this weekend. I hit a year from diagnosis in April. Had the works, BMX, recon, and chemo, now tamoxifen. Overall, I have bounced back really well. I am exercising, eating well, feeling great. I just walked 39.3 miles two weeks ago in the Avon Walk.

Most of my friends and family just want me to be like I was before. And I try so hard to be that person that I sometimes fool myself into thinking it so. Which, if I get too relaxed about could impede me if I am not being vigilent regarding recurrance. So I am trying to find the right "mix" of living my life and enjoying my health and also being very aware of any changes as they come about. Overall, I'd say I have done really well.

Fast forward to yesterday. I went to a memorial service for a family friend who had been battling glioblastoma (brain cancer) for almost three years. I was sad when he passed (he was just 45) but the brevity of this is cancer and it takes lives did not hit me until this service..... and I cried, hysterically, from beginning to end. It was just a giant slap in the face that cancer has forever changed me, and my life.

I'm trying not to let it get me down..... but biy, it sucks. I miss my life. But, I am thankful that I have place like this to come spill. I hope I haven't brought anyone down:(. Thanks for the support.

Best to all.

Misswim- sorry about your friend. I think I feel it the most in those quiet moments too. This is one scary disease! Sending you hugs!

misswim - Your words meant so much to me this morning. I am sorry for the loss of your friend and I can understand how hard the memorial service must have been for you. Your description of friends and family wanting you to be just like you were before really hit home for me. Everyone has been very supportive of me and what I've been through but I think everyone is just tired of this whole cancer thing, me included. It seems that once the surgeries were over, folks think I should be done with cancer. When I mention my fears of recurrence, there's either a blank look or a sense that I am somehow overreacting. For a couple of my family members, denial usually works for them and is one of their best coping mechanisms.

For today, I think I'll work on SelenaWolf's ideas and look for that sense of feeling incredibly empowered. I'm not really a believer in horoscopes and don't usually even read mine but I am still in my pajamas and not going to work until these new nipples heal up so took time to read mine for today. Here's what it said "You have managed well in some respect and will do well to remind yourself. Travel back in time to connect your awareness of the 'past you' with the present, and apply what experience has taught you". I have made it from last July when I got my breast cancer diagonsis to today pretty well. There must have been some things in my "past you" that helped me do that and will help me in the days ahead.

For today, I am also going to get out of these pajamas and head out for a three mile walk. I have another pretty set of pajamas (yes, they button up the front) to put on when I get back. Next week, I head back to work. I hope these new nipples will heal up enough to be ready for regular clothes!