it's been quite a year

Monday is two years since my bmx.  I hear ya.

Uh oh,  I guess me too Kate!  (c:

Like you, my only treatment has been surgery.  I think because you could never tell that I was sick( actually I look better now than before)  people did not realize the extent of the anguish that I went through and how I am still feeling.  Like how many times I think about cancer and worry about it comiong back.  How every little ache makes me wonder if it has.  How I feel sometimes when I see myself naked in the mirror or cannot feel any sensation when I hug my kids. Part of it is my fault though because my answer has always bee "great" when asked how I feel.  I have learned telling the truth makes for an awkward conversation.

I also sense that people do not want to talk about it anymore and want to move on with me.  Which is fine because I do too.  It would be nice though if people close to me would ask how I am really feeling once in a while.  I would love to talk about it a little bit but would never open the subject.  I have been thinking about a bit of therapy to help with this.  What I wish that I could find is somebody in my situation to get together with to discuss this.  Thank goodness for these boards as they are the only check that I have for myself to realize what I am feeling is normal.

Mallory- Sometimes if you put your location in your profile (like Adey has Chicago) you find yourself connecting with others in your area.  I've had a few get togethers from others seeing I'm close by.  You could also start a thread asking "Anyone in the ___________ area?"  I think BCO is great but sometimes you need that face to face, too.  

I think we all have that feeling sometime or more often than we want.Sometimes when people ask me how are u--I really want to tell them--but as usual we say fine. Mentally I have come to terms with how I feel, but I think no one else has cuz I kid about it alot so it doesn't sound like anything really bothers me anymore. I honestly don't think about more cancer creeping in but I just feel like crap and I'm sure no one wants to hear about it anymore so I don't say anythin about it. But I do come here and vent and it sure helps.

But this year has had changes for me--I've moved--after 25 yrs. in my condo--it was foreclosed so now I live with my dgtr and her family---I'm glad they like me LOL so far????? The problem is they see me on a daily basis so they see more of how I feel and I really don't like that. Oh well it is what it is.

Orange and Elizabeth I have no idea how long all his takes not to be concerned about it---I'm sure in time it has to get better, but the question to all is it is different for all of us--so no answers thereLOL

Hi all,

Oh I get it. I'm living in the parallel universe of cancer still too and my heart goes out to others in the same place.

It's been about 6 months since my intensive treatment finished (surgery, chemo, rads) and I'm on the "less-intensive" tamoxifen treatment, which I'm not finding fun. I thought I'd start off this year feeling much better physically (I have a lot of body pain), cognitively (post-chemo brain problems), and mentally (gamut of emotions). It didn't help that I had symptoms in other parts of my body beginning on New Year's Day, so I was investigated for bladder cancer and uterine cancer. Also, my breast scans came back with issues of concerns so they need to be repeated. And I've had worse neck pain since radiation (having to have my neck tilted back for 6 weeks) so I had a brain and neck MRI yesterday and it seems I have a spinal cord problem. The fun never stops.

I went to a session of equine (horse) facilitated therapy to try to address some of my cancer-related fears and help me live each day more fully whether or not I'm in pain. It was very worthwhile and a great feeling to be beside a gentle giant of an animal. The only drawback was that I happened to tell the counsellor that cancer trumped all the violence and health problems and other crap in my past. That derailed the process for me, as she started asking me about the past violence. When we debriefed afterwards, I think she finally understood that I don't feel the need to go back there and don't want to waste my time on that. 

I'm trying to live in the moment as much as possible. Hope you all have many good moments! 

Yep.

Esther- your post and the comments following it really sum up how I' ve been feeling too. I am just past my 1 year anniversary of diagnosis. I had 4 surgeries in the past year and lived through lots of pain. I have a frozen shoulder, lymphedema, episcleritis and severe sleep apnea and all that came on in the last year.

I feel like a gerbil in one of those wheels and I want to get off! I go to appts almost every day after work. But when people ask me how I am I say fine because no one wants to hear it and I am sick of it all. I think it takes time to process all the experiences and emotions we have had. BCO is my way of coping and I am thankful everyday for the courageous sisters who bare their souls here showing us we are not alone!

I often come here in my robe and slippers. 

Kate and everyone, Thanks for understanding my words. It helps so much. 

On May 31st, 2011 at 9:34 p.m., I found my lump.  And, thank the goddess I did, because my most recent mammogram did not.  Although I won't be celebrating that in a few days time, I will be remembering- and counting my blessings that I did.  And thinking about how strong- and well, and hopeful that I feel now.