Possible New Relationship HELP!!!

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tmetz1616
tmetz1616 Member Posts: 21
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi ladies,

So I am finally get back out there dating again.  I wasn't planning on it until all of my re-construction was complete; however, someone from my past re-entered my life unexpectedly and we've been talking for about a month.  I can't stop thinking about what to do or say when and if the time comes we are going to be physical.  How in the heck do I bring up the fact I don't have my new nipples yet?!?!  Right now I have implants that look great underneath clothes, etc. and one could never tell I had a double mastectomy, but as we all know the reconstruction process is a long one. 

Has anyone had a similar situation happen to them??  How did you tell the guy?  I feel like I'm going to need a glass a wine to work up the courage to bring it up.  He knows everything that happened to me and is ok with it, but he still doesn't know all the details.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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  • bellamarie
    bellamarie Member Posts: 62
    edited May 2012

    i am in the same boat, i am seeing a guy this weekend that i dated last year prior to all this breast cancer stuff.. I just had surgery on 5-4 and have te in my left breast.. we were physical b4 and i am afraid it will lead to that again.. i have no idea what to do.. keep my bra on i guess.

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  • Jejik
    Jejik Member Posts: 191
    edited May 2012

    I can't say I know just how you feel, because I have never had a masectomy and my lumpectomy scar is under my arm. I did however have this weird infection in college that resulted in me losing a third of my breast. They did the surgery through my nipple, and so my nipple is split in two on that side.

    I employed both approaches...the tell beforehand and the let him figure it out on his own. In the twelve or so years that I was a single woman after that, I only had one guy out of...well, enough lol...be weird about it.

    Since the guy in question already knows about your cancer, chances are he is wondering about how that has effected your breasts anyway. If it is stressing you out, I say just tell him. Maybe do it in a roundabout way...bring up your feelings about still having some procedures left or what he thinks of "fake" boobs...and let the conversation go where it needs to.

    Good luck to both of you...

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited May 2012

    Here's my two cents: sexual intimacy is MUCH more intimate when you have emotional intimacy first.

    By that, I mean before you find yourself between the sheets, you've had some heartfelt conversations and communication with the person you are involved with.

    You understand him, he understands you.

    You might try asking if he has any questions about the things you've been through. You might share some of your insecurities about the changes in your appearance, and how the reconstruction process is a long one.

    Our body images can change so much with BC. We deserve to be with partners who can appreciate those changes along with us.

    You need to feel safe enough with the other person to be vulnerable.....emotionally vulnerable, and physically vulnerable.

    You don't need to rush into anything....and feeling the way you do, it would be better if you didn't. You'll know when the time is right to steer the conversation in that direction...WELL before things get hot and heavy, if you get my drift.

    He may turn out to be one of those wonderful guys who "get it" and will appreciate you even more.

    Wishing you the best!

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  • cinnamonsmiles
    cinnamonsmiles Member Posts: 779
    edited May 2012

    Here, Here!!! Blessings2011, wow what a superbly written informational piece!!! I don't think anything could add more or top that!!

    Thanks for your wonderful insights!

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited May 2012

    Aw, thanks for the kind words, cinnamonsmiles....

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  • JayeGA
    JayeGA Member Posts: 82
    edited May 2012

    Beautifully said, Blessings2011. My last procedure was an excisional which turned into a lumpectomy, with a 2 1/2 in scar. There are other scars from other biopsies. I feel like I want to share my body with someone who accepts ME, all of me, scars and all. Emotional intimacy comes before any kind of physical intimacy now, because I want to feel comfortable with my lover and I want him to feel comfortable with me. 

    Thanks for expressing that so very well.      Jaye 

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